The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Desert Island (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Pilot (donlan2)
3. What are you? (Randall Woodman)
4. New News News <political> (Paul Benoit)
5. Misogyny 101 <adultish> (Lee Bradley)
6. Stuck in toilet <adultish> (Richard Nehrbass)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 17:10:14 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Desert Island

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been 10 years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been 10 years!" The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of
12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Then the girl says, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 11:25:21 -0800 (PST)
From: donlan2
Subject: The Pilot

The Pilot - Submission
One day, while an old pilot was cutting the branch off a tree high above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The aviator replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed the axe to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The aviator replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the aviator replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" The Lord asked.

The aviator replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the aviator's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the aviator went home happy.

Sometime later the aviator was walking with his woman along the river bank and his woman fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the aviator.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The Pilot replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, you would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a pilot lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and only for the benefit of others!

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2014 14:56:33 -0800 (PST)
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: What are you?

Q. What are you the 2nd time something costs you and arm and a leg?
A. Dis-armed and De-Feeted!

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2014 06:47:39 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: New News News <political>

Fox To Launch Fox Kids News Channel For Pedophiles
http://www.newsmutiny.com/pages/Fox-Kids-Pedophiles.html

21st Century Fox announced today plans to launch a new Fox Kids News Channel that will cater to pedophiles.

Slated to debut in February, the new basic cable channel will cover breaking news and current events as reported on by attractive children between the ages of 6 and 12, Fox executives say.

"We at Fox News appreciate the diversity of our audience and wish to deliver programming that accomodates a wide range of tastes - from heterosexual men to men who might prefer getting their news from an 8 year-old boy in his underpants," remarked Fox News Marketing Director Gary Zizak.

Appearing on "Fox and Friends" to promote the new channel dressed in a mini-skirt and purple cotton panties, 9 year-old Misty Meadows emphasized that the content of Fox Kids News would be just as hard-hitting as the adult version of the network.

"Like, take this story about the factory fire in China that killed something like a hundred people today," Meadows said between licks of a lollipop, "It totally reminds you of what a complete disaster Obamacare has been."

7 year-old Fox Kids News pundit Suzie Storms said she was "super-psyched" about her new job.

"I think it will be fun," Storms said, "I'm doing a lot of jump ropes so I can be skinny for my show, and also because it's important to stay healthy since Obamacare sucks so bad."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2014 08:25:13 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Misogyny 101 <adultish>

Two knights who are brothers, all suited in armor, leave for the wars, riding off amid the sounds of trumpets and the flapping of brilliant banners in the wind. The older says to his younger brother: "Tell me why you put a padlock and chastity belt on your wife. She's so frightfully ugly that no one will have anything to do with her."

"Exactly," says the younger brother, "when I get back from the war, I can say I lost the key."

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2014 05:48:58 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Stuck in toilet <adultish>

A young Jewish couple were on their honeymoon. The next morning the bride got up to use the bathroom, but the groom had left the toilet seat up and she fell in and got stuck.

Her husband rushed in to help her, but she was securely wedged and all he managed to do was rip her nightgown to shreds. Finally he gave up and called the plumber.

When the plumber arrived, the groom suddenly realized that his wife was in the bathroom, essentially naked! Flustered, he grabbed his yarmulke and placed it over her private parts, then called the plumber in.

"What do you think?" asked the husband.

The plumber replied, "Well, I can get her out, but I think the rabbi is a goner."

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