The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Cowboy (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Third Biggest Lie (Anna Welander)
3. Dear Diary <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. How Cold Was It? (Paul Benoit)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
6. Winning arguments (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2015 13:35:34 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Cowboy

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town loved to play jokes on visitors.

After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing.

Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"

The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back.

Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy," What did you do in Texas?"

The Cowboy replied, "Well, I had to walk home."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2015 21:04:09 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The Third Biggest Lie

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 08 Jan 2015 09:13:44 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adult>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I joined a local club for seniors, called El Flaccido club.

All we do is to sit around and reminisce about our hard times.

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2015 07:13:35 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: How Cold Was It?

IT WAS SO COLD -1986, Whitman McGowan Paris, February 1986

- The horses on the carousel refused to budge.
- Notes of music froze and shattered with prismatic finality.
- The mimes couldn't change their expressions.
- When a bread truck overturned and baguettes were suspended in mid-air and pigeons were afraid to leave their roosts for the feast.
- Women in expensive fur hats could not retract icy stares.
- Rats went skating on rivers of frozen dog piss.
- Double busses refused to straighten out continued running in circles indefinitely.
- Terrorist bombs exploded in s l o w m o t i o n allowing everyone to escape harm.
- A fountain in the Place Edmond Rostand became a crystal pineapple inhabited by eskimos.
- A Norwegian with a pickax broke off pieces for souvenirs.
- Outside Paris waterfalls retreated back into mountains.
- God Himself became an irrelevant ice cream vendor slowly scooping a ball of lemon sherbet from horizon to painted horizon.
(p.s. Here, it's -4F here this morning ... brr-rr-rrrrr!!)

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2015 04:33:26 -0800
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

JEST FOR KIDS - RIDDLES
When are eyes, not eyes?
When the wind makes them water

Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.

In what part of a ballpark do you find the whitest clothes?
In the bleachers.

What animal grows the fastest?
A kangaroo. It grows by leaps and bounds.

What does December have that other months don't have?
The letter D
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
A jogger who eats too many prunes gets a good run for his money.
A local restaurant makes its hamburgers from ground hogs. (Stan Kegel)
I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up. (Mike Bull)
Two tomcats were bragging about their bravery. "Nice looking scars you've got on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the other, "I made them from scratch.
Old shepherds never die, they just keep spinning yarns.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - DOCTOR, DOCTOR
"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog." "Sit!"
"Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth." "Move, you're in my light."
"Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail." "Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell."
"Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit." "Will you get out of my hair."
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat." "How long have you felt like that?" "Ever since I was a kid."
"Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog." "What's wrong with that?" "I think I'm going to croak."

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2015 09:32:10 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Winning arguments

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry

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