The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. New Year's Wish (MANUELLA ADRIAN)
2. Resolutions for 2014 (Phil G)
3. New Years Day (George Matyjewicz)
4. Distracted drivers (Grady Lacy)
5. Joyriding (Paul Benoit)
6. Breaking News (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. New Year's resolution #2 (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 2013 23:35:09 -0500
Subject: New Year's Wish

... And a healthy and happy New Year to all humor-listers and listees.
Except those for whom this is not the new year who may then resend this to themselves at whatever time of yea (e.g., Chinese New Year, January 31, 2014; Russian Orthodox New Year January 14, 2014; etc.) Please feel free to celebrate earlier or later, as the case may be.

Also, due to copious traditional celebration of American New Year with traditional French champagne, we regret our inability to correctly calibrate New Year greetings to coincide with each planet's New Year. Sorry Pluto, but since you stopped being a planet, I can't be bothered to calculate when you start a new rotation around the Sun.

But otherwise, Cheers to all.

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 01 Jan 2014 12:21:20 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Resolutions for 2014

Do everything good more often.
Do everything bad less often.
Stop designating bad things as good.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 1 Jan 2014 12:31:07 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: New Year's Day

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football games on television or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See," she said, continuing to smile. "You didn't miss a thing!"

Changing Resolutions
2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2013: I will work out every day.
2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies

"Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." - Brad Paisley

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice." - T.S. Eliot

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." - Bill Vaughn

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 1 Jan 2014 19:21:43 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Distracted drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds ... to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt, and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2014 11:40:08 +0000
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Joyriding

It was the week after Christmas, and Father O'Flynn was looking at the nativity scene outside the church when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, he turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Maury with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Father O'Flynn walked up to Maury and said, "Well, little Maury, where did you get the infant?"

Little Maury replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?" asked Father O'Flynn.

With a sheepish smile, little Maury said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 02 Jan 2014 14:55:07 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News

Colorado changes its State motto from Nil Sine Numine (Nothing Without the Deity) to Nil Sine Cannabis

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 02 Jan 2014 09:26:29 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: New Year's resolution #2

The Old Perfesser, full of resolve to get more exercise in the new year, comes home from his first afternoon of tennis. "How did it go, my treasure?" asks MrsPerfesser.

"Not bad, not bad at all, I think I've got the game mastered about 50 percent!" smiled the Perfesser.

"What do you mean '50 percent?'" she asks.

He explains, "When I see the ball arriving, my brain barks strict orders to my body: 'Quick now, run to the left and strike!' or 'Back up and then slam it!'"

"Sounds good," she says. "Then what?"

"Then," he says glumly, "my body answers my brain ... 'Who? MOI?'"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert