Digest for Wednesday, November 30, 2011

There are 5 messages totalling 256 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  2. I Know Youre Out There!
  3. The Value Of A Drink.....
  4. Opinion Page Humor
  5. Christmas Bonus


Date:    Wed, 30 Nov 2011 06:48:11 -0800
From:    Sandy (AKA MsSam) <sandy@SSIBERT911.COM>

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an
expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think I'll buy my present 
of making you and Dad shop for me."

The daughter nods in agreement.

"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor, dumb creature has to
suffer just so that you can have this coat."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a
couple of weeks."

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Date:    Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:08:51 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: I Know You're Out There!


Required: a girl endowed with mind boggling assets + a good head
for figures. Remember BOTH conditions need be fulfilled. Tendency
towards making unnecessary expenditure will prove to be a
liability in the selection process. Her very nature should be one
of generating as much income in my life as possible. She will be
profited from the alliance with a nice personality [ME] and this
relationship will be to the credit of her family.

Wanted, a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life.
Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
Pillars of solid safety and beams of understanding will be provided.

I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness I am experiencing.
She must be capable of injecting happiness in my life. She should
not wrangle me in the vicious circle of multiple tests. However if
she feels the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.

My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife.
Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass.
She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be
able to keep pace.

I'm searching for a wife to fill the black hole my life has
become. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are
out of this world.

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Date:    Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:51:48 -1000
From:    Mickey <mhennigan@HAWAII.RR.COM>
Subject: The Value Of A Drink.....

"Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams.

If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most  people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

                                   get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant  you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the  best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as  the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we  know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

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Date:    Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:34:00 -0500
From:    Phil Glowatz <PhilGlowatz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Opinion Page Humor

 From a WSJ editorial...

It is a newspaper truism that what is good for journalism is bad for
the country, and vice versa. Let's just say that regarding the
pending retirement of Congressman Barney Frank, we're delighted to
make the professional sacrifice.

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Date:    Thu, 1 Dec 2011 00:32:00 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Bonus

Signs You're Not Getting a Christmas Bonus

Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you
at the embezzlement trial

On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply

The Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on
the way out"

You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required
to wear pants.

When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under
an avalanche of stolen office supplies.

Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and
breaks your jaw.

In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible"
appeared 78 times.

Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...

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