Digest for Sunday, November 20, 2011

There are 5 messages totalling 345 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Its All In The Book 11-20-11 Part 1
  2. Spiritual Beings
  3. NECESSARY INFORMATION FOR THE 50-AND-OLDER CROWD
  4. The Conductor
  5. Its All In The Book 11-20-11 Part 2


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Date:    Sun, 20 Nov 2011 03:13:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <skegel@SOCAL.RR.COM>
Subject: It's All In The Book 11-20-11 Part 1

IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK 11-20-11

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D

A RESPONSIVE CHORD

Stevie Wonder played a gig in Tokyo, and the hall was packed to the =
rafters. Stevie asked for requests.

A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and =
shouted at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knew about the jazz influences on Stevie's career, =
the blind impresario played an E minor scale and then segued into a =
difficult jazz melody.

When he finished the whole place went wild. The little old man jumped up =
again and shouted, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, =
dived straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat =
minor chord and again tore the place apart.

The crowd again went wild with this impromptu show of his technical =
expertise.

The little old man jumped up again. "No, no! Play a jazz chord, play a =
jazz chord!"

Well, now truly irritated that this little guy didn't seem to appreciate =
his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage, "OK, mister, you =
get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbed up onto the stage, took hold of the mike, and =
sang, "A jazz chord, to say I ruv you!"

"A Responsive Chord" from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & =
Stan Kegel (=A92007 Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)=20
"I just called to say I love you," from "I Just Called to Say I Love =
You" by Stevie Wonder

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D


TOP 10 SCIENCE BLOOPERS

1.      Our new teacher told us all about fossils. Before she came to =
our class, I didn=92t know what a fossil looked like.

2.      Scientists are hypothetical people.

3.      A molecule can=92t be seen by the naked observer.

4.      The equator is an imaginary lion that runs around the world =
forever.

5.      Heredity means that if your grandfather didn=92t have any =
children, then your father probably wouldn=92t have any, and neither =
would you probably.

6.      Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you =
don=92t, why you should.=20

7.      Elephants eat roots, leaves, grasses, and sometimes bark.

8.      The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water =
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, =
and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

9.      A planet is a body of earth surrounded by sky..

10.     Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth, just like Emily =
Richardson. She's not my friend any more.

"Top 10 Science Bloopers" by Richard Lederer  from "A Tribute To =
Teachers" by Richard Lederer (=A92011 Richard Lederer)=20

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D

IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

Two Arabs are sitting at a local bar smoking hashish and discussing =
current events over a pint of fermented goat's milk. The first Arab digs =
out his wallet and begins flipping through the pictures. It is obvious =
he is quite proud of those depicted on the images.

"This is my eldest son," he said. "He is a hero to us and a credit to =
Islam. He is a martyr."

His companion raises his hands to the sky. "Praise Allah!" he chants. =
"You must be so very proud."

He flips through the pictures and finds another. "Yes, I am very proud =
of him. I am very proud of all my sons but mostly of my eldest and this =
here, my second oldest son." He points vigorously to the image in the =
second picture. "This son is a martyr also."

"A fine looking gentleman," replied his companion. "Praise be to =
Mohammed!"

The father of the two young men looks at his pictures with the dreamy, =
wistful gaze. Then he says with a tone of sadness in his voice: "They =
sure blow up fast, don't they?"

"In The Blink Of An Eye" by Gary Younglove from "Groan And Bear it" by =
Gary Younglove (=A92010 Gary Younglove)

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D

Compiled by Stan Kegel skegel@socal.rr.com =20

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Date:    Sun, 20 Nov 2011 07:22:53 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Spiritual Beings

"Like all spiritual beings, I hold the entire universe in my
hand. Pull my finger if you want to experience some of it."

- Bob Tzu
(the long-lost American cousin of the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu)



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Date:    Sun, 20 Nov 2011 07:27:15 -0800
From:    Sandy (AKA MsSam) <sandy@SSIBERT911.COM>
Subject: NECESSARY INFORMATION FOR THE 50-AND-OLDER CROWD

  1.  If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  3.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in 
a
garage makes you a car.
  4.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
  5.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  6.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  7.  If you look like your passport picture, you probably needed the trip.
  8.  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  9.  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.
  10. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  11. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks 
before
you need it.
  12. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  13. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  14. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  15. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Date:    Mon, 21 Nov 2011 00:04:00 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Conductor

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He
constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice,
but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before
the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give
him two sticks, and make him a drummer...which must be why
you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his
sticks and make him a conductor."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...

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Date:    Sun, 20 Nov 2011 21:38:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <skegel@SOCAL.RR.COM>
Subject: It's All In The Book 11-20-11 Part 2

IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK 11-20-11

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D


SOME FUNNY ORCHESTRAS -- PART 5

Instruments that are hard to classify include the xylophone, the =
glockenspiel, the accordian, and the organ. The xylophone=92s chief =
usage is not as an instrument but as in illustration for the letter =93X=94=
 in children=92s alphabet books. It=92s hard to describe the sound of =
the glockenspiel, so I won=92t try. The accordian is an instrument =
played a lot at peace talks, to help the factions reach an accord. The =
concertina is a small=97as its name implies, teenage-sized=97accordian. =
And the organ is only sometimes an instrument. Lots of men in certain =
books and magazines are forever playing with their organs, or asking =
someone else to do it for them. These organs don=92t make any music at =
all, even though you can blow on them. Pipe organs are instruments, even =
though their name makes them sound like something you=92d smoke tobacco =
in. If you want to hear organ music, go to church or to the ballpark.=20

Of course, not everyone who makes music does it with an instrument. Some =
people simply use their voices. Singing voices fall into five basic =
ranges: soprano, auto, tenure, berrytone, or baste. There are two kinds =
of sopranos, Technicolor sopranos and messy sopranos.=20

Some of the most famous operatic arias were written for sopranos. A =
common question arises when the auience has to listen to them: =93Aria =
finished yet?=94 Singers often vocalize an arpeggion to warm up. This =
vocal exercise got its name from the challenge posed by many music =
teachers: =93Arpeggio can=92t reach the high notes.=94

There are two lines of music written on sheet music=97when you sing or =
play certain instruments, you want the trouble cleft, but other =
instruments use the boss cleft. The piano uses both at once, which can =
get awfully confusing. You read the boss cleft with your left eye and =
play those notes with your left hand; you read the trouble cleft with =
your right eye and play those notes with your right hand. If you have to =
play a cross-hand piece, you are likely to wind up cross-eyed.

The eight notes of the scale comprise an octave, which is, of course, a =
way of rating gasoline. Those eight notes are do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti-do, =
and there is much that can be said about them, but Rodgers & Hammerstein =
have already pretty much taken care of it, so we won=92t go there.

"Some Funny Orchestras" by Cynthia MacGregor  from "Betcha Didn't Know" =
by Cynthia MacGregor (=A92011 Cynthia MacGregor )

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D

NEVER SAY DIE -- PART 3

Fill in each blank in this die-hard quiz. Suggested answers follow.
                                                                         =
                                                                         =
            1. Old quarterbacks never die=96they just fade back and =
_______ away.

2. Old skiers never die=96they just go _______.=20

3. Old Australians never die=96they just end up ___

4. Old tree surgeons never die=96they just pine away and take a final =
_______.  =20

5. Old sausage makers never die=96they just take a turn for the ______.=20=


6. Old bricklayers never die=96they just throw in the _______.=20

7. Old logicians never die=96they just vacate the _______.=20

8. Old hairdressers never die=96they just curl up and _______.=20

9. Old florists never die=96they just rest on their _______.=20

10. Old clockmakers never die=96they just get _______.

Answers

1. pass 2. downhill 3. Down Under 4. bough=20
5. wurst 6. trowel 7. premises 8. dye=20
9. laurels 10. run down (and ticked off)

"Never Say Die" by Richard Lederer  from "The Gift of Age" by Richard =
Lederer (=A92010 Richard Lederer)=20

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D

FEGHOOT 109

In 3227, the Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History =
presented its coveted Tempus Award to Ferdinand Feghoot. "Mr. Feghoot," =
said Dr. Corydon Bramahpootra, its President, "by going back to 1819 and =
saving Reverend Sylvester Gerbil of the London Missionary Society from =
the enraged natives of Navinavi, you prevented the South Seas disaster =
that followed his death in all other continua. Besides, armed only with =
a fowling piece and a boar spear, you held the primitives off until the =
return of your time-shuttle. You are truly a hero!"=20

Feghoot accepted the award, an antique alarm clock in amber, to =
tumultuous applause. "I wasn't really heroic," he said modestly. =93I =
just didn't like the alternative."=20

"Dear Mr. Feghoot" shrilled a small, twittering newsperson. "Those =
dreadful savages were supposed to be cannibals. Would they really have =
eaten you?"

"Well," he replied, "their cannibalism wasn't only for protein. It was =
ritualistic. If they admired you as an adversary, they would gobble up =
just certain parts, to acquire your strength, wisdom, and courage."=20

"The beasts! Didn't you just simply loathe them?"=20

"Why should I?" said Ferdinand Feghoot. "They were men after my own =
heart."

"Feghoot 109" from "The Collected Feghoot" by Reginald Bretnor  writing =
under the pen name Grendel Briarton (=A91992 Reginald Bretnor)

=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D-=3D

Compiled by Stan Kegel skegel@socal.rr.com =20

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