Digest for Thursday, November 10, 2011

There are 6 messages totalling 288 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. How many acres?
  2. Cardinal blasts dreary sermons
  3. Naughty, Naughty!!!
  4. THE RELIABLE WITNESS
  5. Rick Perry
  6. Until Im Married


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Date:    Thu, 10 Nov 2011 01:31:49 -0600
From:    Topolski, Leonard P. <Leonard.Topolski@LYONDELLBASELL.COM>
Subject: How many acres?

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and
an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first
Texan says, 'My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I
have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place
 The Jolly Roger.'

The second Texan says, 'My name is John. I own 350,000
acres . I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my
place Big John's.'

They both look down at the Jewish man who says,
'My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.'

Roger looks down at him and say, '300 acres? What
do you raise?'

'Nothing', Irving  says.

'Well then, what do you call it?' asked John.

'Downtown Dallas.'



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Date:    Thu, 10 Nov 2011 13:48:22 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Cardinal blasts dreary sermons <disrespectful>

In the news:

Cardinal blasts dreary sermons

The Vatican's top cultural official hit out last Friday at sermons he
said were too often dreary and bland and urged Catholic priests not to
shy away from spicing up their preaching.

----------

I'm thinking, could a sermon become something like:

Dearly Beloved Hunks and Babes,

Nicoletta, a devout member of this Congregation, is showing her deep
cleavage today. All turn and admire it! Alleluia!

Now, let me tell you: A funny thing happened to me on the way to the
Church. Elisabetta was walking the street as usual, and I told her, "My
child, I wish you would repent and come to Church for you have really
chosen a bad road."

She replied, "Tell me about it, Father, I haven't got a single customer
yet."

Which leads me to ask you, why did Elisabetta cross the road?

<pause>

To find customers!

<canned laughter>

And, do you remember my exhortation NOT to read Playboy, Hustler and
other sinful magazines? Of corse, you are not supposed to read them!
You are supposed to look at the pictures!!!

<canned laughter>


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Date:    Thu, 10 Nov 2011 07:43:40 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Naughty, Naughty!!!

CORRECTION

Last week, in an article about GOP presidential hopefuls, we said
Herman Cain was accused of sexually harassing two women "in their 90's."
It should have said "in the 90's." Our apologies for any confusion.

            - IronicTimes.com


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


"Apparently Herman Cain has raised over $2 million in the days since
this sexual harassment story first broke. Just think how much Cain
could have raised if he'd been accused of something like murder."
            - Janice Hough


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


The first woman to go public with tales of sexual harassment by GOP
presidential candidate Herman Cain, Sharon Bialek [pronounced
"buy-a-lick, slurp slurp", according to noted misogynist Rush Limbaugh],
says Cain put his hand under her skirt, then pushed her head toward his
crotch; this was after a dinner in 1997, when she met him to discuss ways
he might be able to help her find employment.... When she asked what he
was doing, he responded by rhetorically asking her: "You want a job, right?"


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


You Want A Job, Right?
http://www.orangejuiceblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Cain-want-a-job-
bumper-sticker.jpg


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


"Apparently when Cain was president of the Restaurant Association,
he thought women were on the menu. He didn't realize."
            - Jay Leno


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


"A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows 54% of GOP primary voters say
allegations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain will not affect how
they vote. These voters are called ‘men.’"
            - Janice Hough


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


Republican primary voters are in a quandry..... Teabaggers don't want all
those campaign signs, "Our Black Is Better Than Your Black!" to be wasted.


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


"Forget president; this guy could be premier of Italy."
            - David Letterman


][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][--][


BERLUSCONI STEPS DOWN; WILL RUN NATIONAL RESTAURANT ASSOCIATION
‘A Dream Job for Me,’ Says Italian PM

Showing the resiliency that has frustrated foes throughout his storied
career, Silvio Berlusconi today stepped down as Italian Prime Minister
and assumed the helm of the National Restaurant Association.

"This is a dream job for me," Mr. Berlusconi told reporters as he settled
into his new offices in Washington. "I love working with people and I
intend to be very hands-on."

Mr. Berlusconi won the coveted position after beating out several rivals,
including former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

"I must admit I am envious of Silvio," Mr. Strauss-Kahn said. "There isn't
a red-blooded man alive who wouldn't want to run the National Restaurant
Association."

But even as he settled into his new post, Mr. Berlusconi served notice
that there were going to be big changes ahead for the trade association:
"I've taken a look at the employees, and they're way too old."

             © Andy Borowitz
             borowitzreport.com




**********************
Herman Cain Gets A Ben And Jerry's Flavor
http://www.buzzfeed.com/gavon/herman-cain-gets-a-ben-and-jerrys-flavor




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Date:    Thu, 10 Nov 2011 06:48:54 -0800
From:    Sandy (AKA MsSam) <sandy@SSIBERT911.COM>
Subject: THE RELIABLE WITNESS

A lawyer was cross-examining a witness. "You have just testified that you 
heard
the shot at exactly 11:32 p.m.? How did you know what time it was? Did you 
look
at your watch?"

"No," the witness said. "I looked at the sundial in the garden."

"That's absurd," screamed the lawyer. "How could you tell time by a sundial at
11:32 at night?"

"I had a flashlight."
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Date:    Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:27:10 -0500
From:    Phil Glowatz <PhilGlowatz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Rick Perry

You can say this about Rick Perry: He has forgotten more about
cutting government than Barack Obama will ever know.


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Date:    Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:05:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Until I'm Married

Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk."

"Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you're with a boy,"
I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your
life."

"Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I
get married."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...

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