Digest for Tuesday, November 08, 2011

There are 9 messages totalling 523 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. I guess you can get too health conscious...
  2. ABC of Italian style
  3. 24/7
  4. Traffic Report for October 2011
  5. WHO SAYS YOU CANT (TRY TO ) SELL ICE TO AN ESKIMO?
  6. Euphemisms for Stupid
  7. like father, like son
  8. The re-virginator (ADULT)
  9. Oxymorons


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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 05:06:52 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: I guess you can get too health conscious...

The Old Perfesser doesn't have a lot of "junk food" in the house.

Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other, little Maury asked
what vitamins they had in them.

The Old Perfesser told him he doubted there were any at all.

Little Maury replied, wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"



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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 14:02:20 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: ABC of Italian style <an oldie>

A. APERITIVO: "Aperitive". A ritual. Life in Italy, for some people,
depends on where, when and with whom you drink your Aperitivo. Life,
after the Aperitivo, depends on how many of them you drank.

B. BERLUSCONI: an ex Love-Boat crooner that would like to be the new
Emperor of Italy. He owns TV networks, Newspapers, Magazines, Sport
Teams and a Political Party but lost all contact with real life.

C. CIAO: it means "Hi", "Hello","Howdy" "Good Morning", "Good
Afternoon", "Good evening","Good night", "Good-bye", "See you","Aloha".
In Italy, when you don't know what to say (or to do) just say "Ciao!"
and everything will be easier.

D. DOMENICA: Sunday. "The day of the Lord"...but most of all the Day of
Calcio (Football/Soccer.)

E. ESTATE: "Summer". Certainly the best time to go to Italy. Snobs will
tell you springtime (primavera) is better, because it is less hot, less
crowded and prices are cheaper. They're probably right but don't you
mind them. If you want to see Italy at its best, book a long, hot,
unforgettable summer holiday.

F. FIAT: those small cars in which often five Italians try to get in.
Fiat cars' dimensions are the true reason for the slow increase of
Italian average height... When the FIAT 500 was introduce in the 50s,
it was responsible of 38.9% of conceptions in spite of its cramped
interior.

G. GESTI: "Gestures". Italian people communicate a lot with hands,
heads, arms, even legs... So, if you are in Italy and do not know a
word of aboriginal language, just use your hands and smile a lot! At
worst, people will think you're an American tourist.

H. HOTEL: there are just two kinds of hotels in Italy: 1) cheap and
ugly or 2) luxurious and expensive. So, either you have a full wallet
or you'd better spend your next holiday camping in the countryside.

I. IELLA. it means "bad luck". Knock on wood.

L. LEGA: political party that almost cut Italy in two or three,
separating North from South, East from West, honest people from
thieves, blue-eyed people from brown-eyed people, men from women, dogs
from cats...

M. MARCELLO MASTROIANNI: a typical Italian if ever there was one. For
him to act and to live were the same thing. Now he can't act any more
but for everybody in the world, not only in Italy, he will live
forever...

N. NO: if you are in Italy on vacation and meet a nice Italian girl,
chat with her all the evening long under the moonlight, dine in a
romantic place, walk by the sea and, when you try to kiss her, she says
"No", don't worry. Sometimes a "no" means "yes" but, careful:
sometimes, not always. You have to be smart enough to guess. If in
doubt, just assume that "no" means "no".

O. OROLOGIO: "wristwatch". Italian people don' t worry too much about
time; they usually don't respect schedules but surely they do respect
wristwatches. They collect Swatches (Swiss plastic crap) and love Rolex
(Swiss expensive metal crap).

P. PASTA: pasta is simply the best food ever invented by man. Full
stop.

Q. QUASI: "almost", "nearly". Often used. The meal is "quasi" ready,
the cab is "quasi" arrived, my love is "quasi" eternal...

R. ROMA: imagine a real-life movie set, in which are mixed Ancient
Roman buildings, Renaissance art-works, the Dolce Vita life-style, a
warm climate, charming women and delicious food. Can't guess? You've
lived too long in New Jersey...

S. STILE: "Style". Italians have got style, that's a fact. It's an
inner quality you can't define... it's simply like that, from 15th
century painters to the latest fashion boutique on Fifth Avenue. And
the prices follow: an Italian dress is almost as expensive as a
Michelangelo masterpiece.

T. TEMPO: "Weather". It's one of the most important things in Italy.
You can spend a whole day talking about the weather. It's also the main
subject of conversation between Italian mothers and their thirty-
something living-in, never-moving-out sons.

U. USTICA: a plane-crash which occurred years ago near this little
Italian island. They blamed it on a Martians' attack or the Bermuda
Triangle.

V. VIA VENETO: a street in Rome that thirty years ago was the centre of
the Dolce Vita. Now there are just supposed to be elegant hotels for
foreign businessmen and night-clubs with exotic names.

Z. ZANZARA:"mosquito". Not as dangerous as the ones in the tropics, but
quite annoying if you're sipping a Martini in a open-air bar...


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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 06:32:01 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: 24/7

From the usual sources.
---
The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the
front desk, "I like to exercise after work. What are your
hours?"

"Our club is open 24/7," she told me excitedly, "Monday
through Saturday."
---
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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 08:41:14 -0500
From:    Douglas Harter <dougharter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Traffic Report for October 2011

Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list.  Welcome to the month of
October, 2011.
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These are the current sites for the archives:
archive.thehumorlist.com (HTML copies of Digests and Yearly
and Monthly Traffic Reports)
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           Traffic Report for October 2011

Week  Sun    Mon    Tue    Wed    Thu    Fri    Sat

 1                                               6
 2     9      5      6      6      7      4      6
 3     6      7      6      6      5      5      5
 4     6      6      5      7      5      8      7
 5     6      7      5      7      6      4      5
 6     5      4
                                          Oct    Sep    Oct    Oct
                                          2011   2011   2010   2009

# Jokes for the Month:                    182    173    169    223
# days of submissions for the Month:      31     30     31     31
Average Jokes per day for the Month:      6      6      5      7
# Contributors for the Month:             13     14     12     14
# New Subscribers for the Month:          5      11     10     11
# Members Unsubscribed for the Month:     12     14     21     13
# Subscribers as of end of the Month:     2141   2145   2257   2400
# Contributors as of end of the Month:    29     29     30     32
# Countries as of end of the month:       53     53     56     57

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     Top 13 Contributors from 10/1/2011 to 10/31/2011

Contributor                                      # Posts

*Paul Benoit                                      31
*Bill Stebbins                                    31
Sandy (AKA MsSam)                                 30
Phil Glowatz                                      22
Maurizio Mariotti                                 20
Stan Kegel                                        13
Mickey Hennigan                                   10
Emko Witteveen                                    7
Grady Lacy                                        6
Topolski, Leonard P.                              4
Lee Bradley                                       3
Cathy Turner                                      2
Richard Nehrbass                                  1

* - Contributed Every Digest/Day
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My contribution of Humor from the Archives:

This joke is joke # 7 in the Digest for 4/12/1997
The title of the Joke is: Shakespeare put to the test
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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 06:55:42 -0800
From:    Sandy (AKA MsSam) <sandy@SSIBERT911.COM>
Subject: WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T (TRY TO ) SELL ICE TO AN ESKIMO?

A pair of Dutch artists have completed an expedition to the North Pole to 
bring
back a chunk of Arctic ice -- for you to buy and keep in your freezer.

Coralie Vogelaar and Teun Castelein wanted to highlight the impact of climate
change so they did what anyone would, they shipped ice from a glacier to
Amsterdam. This was then chopped into 1,000 pieces which were placed in 
plastic
containers and are currently on sale for 24.95 EUR ($34.46) from a temporary
store in Museum Square, Amsterdam. It can be reserved from
http://www.mypolarice.com.

The duo say the nine inch transparent packaging will keep your ice frozen for
three hours so you'll need to decide quickly if you will be popping it in your
freezer ... or the world's most extravagant gin and tonic.

A spokesperson for the project said, "A piece of polar ice is a must have
collector's item from the last ice age. It is a unique relic, a once in a
lifetime souvenir. Your piece of history might be an interesting investment 
for
the future, since scarcity has value. The melting of the ice caps makes your
piece worth more every day."
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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 14:26:00 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <PhilGlowatz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Euphemisms for Stupid

Routinely outsmarted by cheese

Three experts short of an antitrust suit

Three-time Darwin Award winner

Keeps her brain in mint condition

A few planets short of a federation

Duh! on parade

Still cutting with rounded scissors

At least one Brady short of a Bunch

Sharp as a donut

Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel

T minus dumb and counting




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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 12:35:21 -0800
From:    Lee Bradley <brad8688@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: like father, like son

Maury's teacher calls the lad's mom:  "Mrs. M., things just can't go on like
this any more.  We turned our heads when he showed up at school last week all
dolled up with your make-up and lipstick.  Yesterday, in the gym class locker
room, he was seen in fishnet stockings, a bra, and crotchless panties!"

"Oh, my lord," says Mrs. M. "Now he's gotten into his papa's things!"

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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 19:00:51 -0600
From:    Topolski, Leonard P. <Leonard.Topolski@LYONDELLBASELL.COM>
Subject: The re-virginator (ADULT)

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée
thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can
try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your
husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and
tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic
band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her
man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the
elastic band, and the hubby screams...

"What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"



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Date:    Wed, 9 Nov 2011 00:03:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Oxymorons

Oxymorons


- State worker
- Legally drunk
- Exact estimate
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Genuine imitation
- Airline Food
- Good grief
- Government organization
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt Head
- Military Intelligence
- Sweet sorrow
- Rural Metro (ambulance service)
- "Now, then ..."
- Passive aggression
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct Life
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Rap music
- Working vacation
- Religious tolerance
- Microsoft Works

And the ultimate Oxymoron of all:

- Holy War


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...

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