Digest for Monday, November 07, 2011

There are 7 messages totalling 233 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Trials & Tribulations
  2. A healthy place
  3. Careers
  4. Self-esteem
  5. Life in South Texas
  6. NOTES
  7. The Wedding Dress


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Date:    Mon, 7 Nov 2011 04:59:26 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Trials & Tribulations

In Las Vegas a lady named Carol
Was arrested for wearing a barrel;
     She'd not drawn the joker,
     While playing strip poker,
And lost all her other apparel.



There was a young couple from Delhi,
Who walked around belly to belly,
     Because in their haste,
     They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.



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Date:    Mon, 7 Nov 2011 13:44:15 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: A healthy place

Maury asks Pauly, "Is Massachusetts a healthy place?"

"It certainly is," replies Pauly. "When I came to this place I couldn't
say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk, and had to be lifted out of bed. I could not even
feed myself."

"Sounds great!" says Maury. "How long have you been there?"

"I was born here."


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Date:    Mon, 7 Nov 2011 06:08:35 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Careers

Usual source
---------
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended
graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said
she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller
said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that
Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said,
"she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
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Date:    Mon, 7 Nov 2011 08:26:09 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Self-esteem

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
    -- Wisecrack of Dawn

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Date:    Mon, 7 Nov 2011 06:11:45 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Life in South Texas

Life in the South (Texas)=A0The year is 2020 and the United States has just=
 elected the first woman as well as the first female Texan as president. A =
few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, =
''So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'' The father s=
ays, ''I don't think so. It's a 27 hour drive, your mother isn't as young a=
s she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.''=A0The daughter say=
s, ''Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and=
 take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'' The father ans=
wers, ''I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother we=
ar?'' ''Oh, Daddy'', replies the president-elect, ''I'll make sure she has =
a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.''=A0''Hone=
y,'' Dad complains, ''you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your fr=
iends like to eat.'' The President-to-be responds, ''Don't worry Daddy.
 The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington=
 , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.''=
=A0So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman Texa=
n is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row si=
ts the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad notices the Supreme Court Justice s=
itting next to him and leans over and whispers, ''You see that woman over t=
here with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?''=
 The Justice whispers back, ''Yes I do.'' Daddy says proudly, ''Her brother=
 played football for the Texas Longhorns!"

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Date:    Mon, 7 Nov 2011 06:52:17 -0800
From:    Sandy (AKA MsSam) <sandy@SSIBERT911.COM>
Subject: NOTES

(pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband.)

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late.  Everything under control.  Lunches packed.  Kids off to
school.  Menu for dinner planned.  Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator:
fruit cup, finger-sandwiches.  Thermos of hot tea by bedside.  See you around
six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep.
Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might
call you on this.  Dinner may be a little late.  I'm doing your door-to-door
canvas for liver research.  Your lunch is in refrigerator.  Hope you like
leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the
flour canister!  If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot
for Chris's missing shoes?  We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat
of the car and wood box.  Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom
slippers?  There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer.  Will
be late tonight.  Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway.  It crested last night at 9 P.M.  Will
finish laundry tonight.  Please pencil in answers to following:
1.  How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2.  Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3.  How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's
hand?
4.  What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open
the door?  I don't know what you're having for lunch!  Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink.  Am trying to restore pink dress
shirt to original white.  Take heart.  Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the
house cleaned and the dinner on time.  I called your mother.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Date:    Tue, 8 Nov 2011 00:02:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Wedding Dress

A couple was going over the expenses for their upcoming wedding.
The groom-to-be says, "$6,800 for a dress that's only going to be
worn ONCE? What's up with THAT?!"

"Who says it's only going to be worn once?" asked his fiancee.

"Oh? You're planning to get married again? Gee, thanks."

"That's not what I meant." she said.

A bit angrily, he responded with "You know you can't wear white
the second time, anyway!"

Containing herself, she replied, "No, but I do plan to have a
daughter.  She'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a
daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter
will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom."

"Ha!" he said.  "I'll bet your mother never bought such an
extravagant dress."

"Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!" she said smugly.

"Yeah?" said he.  "Then why don't you wear hers?"

She replied, "Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...

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