Digest for Sunday, August 30, 2009

There are 6 messages totalling 212 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Quote of the Day...
  2. Its Back to School Week!
  3. Where Have I Heard This Before....?
  4. Bachelorhood
  5. Happily Ever After
  6. Marrying A Non-Jew


Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 2009 02:30:22 -0400
From:    Marianne <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Quote of the Day...

Optimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half
empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.

                Source Unknown

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Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:52:54 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha1945@AUSTIN.RR.COM>
Subject: It's Back to School Week!

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of
gravity and he threw the teacher out the window.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so
smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
--Gracie Allen
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then
he made school boards.
--Mark Twain
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.
We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
--Lenny Bruce
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary
--Norm Crosby
Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed
off some of the originality.
--Beatrix Potter
I felt alienated at school, and I never did well with girls.
--Burt Bacharach
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high
school class is running the country.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
I never did very well in math-I could never seem to persuade
the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.
-Calvin Trillin
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally
disturbed teachers.
-Woody Allen

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Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 2009 10:09:05 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Where Have I Heard This Before....?

"Business owners shalt render nothing unto Caesar and
the shekels saved shalt trickle down upon thy flock."

            - Republican Jesus

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Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:13:26 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Bachelorhood

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the
card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came
to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"I hadn't started cooking yet."

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Date:    Sun, 30 Aug 2009 15:24:00 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <PhilGlowatz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Happily Ever After <adult>

A  newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although  very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party  with his old mates.

  So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

  'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

  'I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

  The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

  She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds  of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland,
Japan , India ,etc.

  The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think  of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop....but at the pub..you
know...they  have frozen glasses...'

  He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying,  'You  want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting  chills just  holding it.

  The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
pub they  have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I
won't be long,  I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

  You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5  dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom  caps, pork strips, etc.

  'But my sweet honey... At the pub..... You know...there's swearing,
dirty  words and all that....'

  'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn  frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now,  and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

  ...........and, they lived happily ever after.

  Now, isn't that a sweet story?

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Date:    Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:45:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Marrying A Non-Jew

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew.
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."

"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause

But the son persisted, and they were wed.

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business
with him, and asked him why he was not at work.

"It's Shabbos," the son replied.

The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's
our busiest day."

"I won't work Saturdays anymore," the son insisted, "because my
wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."

"See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause

Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...

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