Digest for Sunday, November 28, 2004

There are 13 messages totalling 675 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Sunday, Noveember 28, 2004
  2. Todays "Extra Value Items" at the Church Of Chuckles
  3. Rules of the house
  4. Dear Santa,
  5. Bond.....
  6. Little Pauly at Sunday School
  7. November 28th - U.S. Automobile Race Day
  8. You might be a redneck if 2004
  9. Taxis in Israel
  10. School project
  11. medical DIGest
  12. The Cole family Thanksgiving
  13. Turn On The Light


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Date:    Sat, 27 Nov 2004 23:31:03 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Sunday, Noveember 28, 2004

___________________________________________________________________

Remember, when you are out there Chanukah and Christmas shopping, help to keep America beautiful ,,,, stop yourself from buying ugly things!
____________________________________________________________________

Do you know what you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
____________________________________________________________________

'Church', noun, "A religious building of such paramount significance that it is sometimes used more than one day a week. - E.Voltant ____________________________________________________________________

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 06:49:55 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Today's "Extra Value Items" at the Church Of Chuckles <prob. blasphemous>

GRILLED CHEESE PROFITEER OFFERS MORE ITEMS Economists say religious food products and other "moral values"
edibles are poised for a banner year in 2005.
               by Chris Elliott
               humorgazette.com

The woman who sold a grilled cheese sandwich that supposedly bore the likeness of the Virgin Mary for $28,000 has found more items to auction on eBay. After stepping in dog shit one day, the woman was about to scrape it off when she noticed that a profile of Saint John the Baptist was etched in relief on an otherwise smooth swath of shit.

She has an electric garage door that bears a rust pattern clearly depicting Jesus on a donkey. Participants in the garage door auction are for pickup only, as UPS will not ship a garage door.
Smaller auction items include a Tootsie Roll that came off the manufacturing line in the shape of a crucifix, a Mounds Bar with three almonds in each bar, symbolizing the execution at Gethsemane, and a grilled delmonico steak which when viewed in a mirror is the Ten Commandments in Portuguese.

The most expensive item among the new postings is a dozen eggs, each of which has the image of one apostle. Ironically, the Judas egg was rotten on the day of purchase. Bidding for the dozen apostle eggs begins at $30,000. Of questionable legality is the auctioning off of a four-year-old nephew in whose scrotum can apparently be seen the visage of Saint Peter.


************
What a Trend We Have In Jesus™
http://www.misspoppy.com/index.php?s=default&kbid=1002&sub=gj

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 06:27:06 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Rules of the house

                        Finally, the guys' side of the story.

                        We always hear "the rules"
                        from the female side.
                        Now here are the rules from the male side.
                        These are our rules!
                        Please note... these are all numbered "1"
                        ON PURPOSE!

                        1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
                        You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
                        We need it up, you need it down.
                        You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
                        it down.

                        1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
                        or the changing of the tides.
                        Let it be.

                        1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
                        And no, we are never going to think of it that
                        way.

                        1. Crying is blackmail.

                        1. Ask for what you want.
                        Let us be clear on this one:
                        Subtle hints do not work!
                        Strong hints do not work!
                        Obvious hints do not work!
                        Just say it!

                        1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
                        to almost every question.

                        1. Come to us with a problem only if you want
                        help solving it.
                        That's what we do.
                        Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

                        1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
                        problem.
                        See a doctor.

                        1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
                        in an argument.
                        In fact, all comments become null and void after
                        7 days.

                        1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
                        girls,
                        don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

                        1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
                        Don't ask us.

                        1. If something we said can be interpreted two
                        ways
                        and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
                        we meant the other one.

                        1. You can either ask us to do something
                        or tell us how you want it done.
                        Not both.
                        If you already know best how to do it, just do
                        it yourself.

                        1. Whenever possible,
                        please say whatever you have to say during
                        commercials.

                        1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions
                        and neither do we.

                        1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
                        default settings.
                        Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
                        Pumpkin is also a fruit.
                        We have no idea what mauve is.

                        1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
                        We do that.

                        1. If we ask what is wrong and you say
                        "nothing,"
                        we will act like nothing's wrong.
                        We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
                        the hassle.

                        1. If you ask a question you don't want an
                        answer to,
                        expect an answer you don't want to hear.

                        1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
                        anything you wear
                        is fine..Really.

                        1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
                        you are
                        prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
                        shotgun formation,
                        or monster trucks.

                        1. You have enough clothes.

                        1. You have too many shoes.

                        1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

                        1. Thank you for reading this.

                        Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
                        tonight;
                        but did you know men really don't mind that?
                        It's like camping.

                        Pass this to as many men as you can -
                        to give them a laugh.

                        Pass this to as many women as you can -
                        to give them a bigger laugh!!

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 09:03:46 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide when I want to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room", "Take your shoes off the couch," and 'Take your hands off your brother/sister," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
Mom

PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 10:05:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Bond.....

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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch.
Iwas just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"




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<td WIDTH="100%" id="INCREDITEXTREGION" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to </font></font></font> <br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually </font></font></font>
<br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" </font></font></font> <br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. Iwas just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." </font></font></font>
<p><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" </font></font></font> <br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." </font></font></font>
<br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am </font></font></font> <br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>wearing panties!" </font></font></font>
<br><font face="Verdana"><font color="#43647E"><font size=-2>Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"</font></font></font></td> </tr>

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 17:43:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Little Pauly at Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher asked his class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"

Little Pauly: "The sins we *should* have committed, but didn't!"

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 07:55:38 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 28th - U.S. Automobile Race Day <ADULT>

Today is the 333rd day of the year, with only 33 days remaining in 2004.

November 28th - U.S. Automobile Race Day In 1895, James Franklin Duryea won the first automobile race in the United States, between the cities of Chicago and Waukegan, Illinois. His winning average speed  was seven miles per hour.

AUTO INSURANCE FOR LADIES
FEMALE DRIVERS ... Why pay more for car insurance?
Here are some reasons why THIS policy has been SPECIALLY DESIGNED for  women.

We cover all Breakdowns, emotional and physical.

Special Allowances for:
- Hesitancy and driving dangerously slow
- Concentrating too hard to be polite
- That 'special' week each month (even though you won't admit it)
- Not being able to judge the size of your car
- Talking to your passenger
- Driving in heels
- Total inability to park

We EVEN allow for:
- Giving your car a name
- Looking through the steering wheel
- Rear view obscured by furry toys
- Checking your lipstick
AND
- Obtaining your license from a Christmas Cracker

Phone:  1-800 MUFF DRIVE

MALE DRIVERS ... Why pay more for car insurance?
Here are some reasons why THIS policy has been SPECIALLY DESIGNED for  men...

We cover drivers of all cars except Renault 5 Turbo sad-o's

Special Allowances for:
 - Driving less that three feet from the car in front at 88mph
 - Listening to earsplitting drum n bass (windows down)
 - Arms stretched out and elbows locked pose
 - Fiddling with hi-fi
 - Fitting cheap rally accessories
 - Driving pissed and stoned
 - Total inability to smile

We EVEN allow for:
 - Racing away from lights
 - Rear view obscured by Pioneer sticker
 - Unbelievable arrogance
 - Checking your teeth
AND
 - Having three other male passengers in the car that all look like you

    Phone: 1-800 DICK HEAD

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -
1931 Hope Lange, actress (Ghost and Mrs Muir) 1950 Ed Harris, actor (Right Stuff, Swing Shift, Walker, Coma)
1959 Judd Nelson, actor (Breakfast Club)

ARTISTIC -
1628 John Bunyan, cleric/author (Pilgrim's Progress)
1866 Henry Bacon, architect (Lincoln Memorial)
1894 Brooks Atkinson, drama critic (Broadway theater namesake)

HISTORIC -
1820 Friedrich Engels, social philosopher; Marx's collaborator

MUSIC -
1929 Berry Gordy Jr, record company owner (Motown)
1943 Randy Newman, singer (Short People, I Love LA, Raindrops)
1949 Paul Shaffer, orchestra leader (SNL, David Letterman)

SPORTS -
1920 Cecilia Colledge, figure skater, competed in Olympics at 11 (1932)
1942 Paul Warfield, NFL/WFL wide receiver (Cleveland, Miami, Memphis)


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 08:08:18 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: You might be a redneck if 2004<adult>

 Any similarities to the addressees is strictly coincidental




    YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2004 Version)



    Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

    Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

    You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

    You have a relative living in your garage.

    Your neighbor has asked to borrow a quart of beer.

    There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

    You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

    None of the tires on your van are the same size.

    You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

    Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

    Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

    Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

    Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

    You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

    Starting your car involves popping the hood.

    Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

    You whistle at women in church!

    You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

    You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.

    You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can
    reach the kids in the back-seat.

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 13:06:57 -0500
From:    Marianne <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Taxis in Israel

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a
red light, the tourist was shocked to see the   driver drive straight
through without even slowing down. Surprised as he   was, he didn't say
anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to   make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver   brought the
vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver: "Listen." he says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 11:16:58 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: School project

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  My 10-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself?  I need it for a school project."
  I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.
A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent- teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.  The title of their project was "The oldest thing in my house."

--
_______________________________________________
Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 18:57:57 -0600
From:    raneboux <raneboux@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: medical DIGest

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

 unknown source
        ~~~~~~~~
thethingsweFEARthemost
wehavealreadygonethrough
          RANEBOUX
              ~~~~~~

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 20:40:53 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Cole family Thanksgiving

Well, it's that time of year and I always post this to the list.

This year the family had an environmenally themed Thanksgiving.
We started off with a lovely Cream of Snail Darter Soup.
Our bird wasn't be the usual turkey. Instead, we had a California Condor stuffed with sausage made from baby seals. The entire platter was garnished with sauteed Spotted Owls.
In case you're wondering, condor tastes just like Komodo Dragon.

Best of all, I'll get to O.J. the bird!

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Date:    Sun, 28 Nov 2004 22:36:28 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Turn On The Light

After I heard him play in concert, Ray Charles asked me whether or not I'd like to come back to his room.
Of course, I would!  He went on in ahead of me, and the place was pitch black.  I followed the sound of his voice, until he entered his bathroom.  Then my eyes adjusted to the dark just enough for me to realize he was shaving!  Do you know how it is when you don't really mean to say something out loud, but the words just come out anyway?  Well, that's what happened.
I said, "Ray, why are you shaving in the dark?"

He said, "Turn on the light."  I did.  Then he asked, "Feel better now?" ---Bill Cosby

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