Digest for Friday, November 26, 2004

There are 8 messages totalling 358 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Lenny Bruce
  2. Faulty Intelligence
  3. Average Typical Day After Thanksgiving
  4. The pill
  5. November 26th - Dont Go Near a Mall Day
  6. Luxury hotel
  7. Submarine
  8. finally ..DE BONEus!


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Date:    Thu, 25 Nov 2004 23:16:14 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Lenny Bruce   <'language' in last quote>

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

That's it! We're all the same schmuck!

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

If something about the human body disgusts you complain to the manufactuer.

I don't know where it (heaven) is. I know it's not up there ... cause I believe the
    earth revolves.

Take away the right to say "f**k" and you take away the right to say, "F**k the
    government."

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 06:33:25 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Faulty Intelligence

Reports that Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent shortness of breath was caused by heart trouble rather than a common cold were based on "faulty intelligence," a CIA spokesman acknowledged today.

Vice President Cheney was mistakenly rushed to the hospital after the CIA produced a memo suggesting that the threat to his health was "imminent."

                © Andy Borowitz
                borowitzreport.com

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 08:40:40 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Average Typical Day After Thanksgiving

7:00 am
Slept like a horse considering you ate like one last night. Hit snooze on alarm.

7:15 am
The tripophan in the turkey makes it oh so hard to wake up. Hit snooze on alarm.

7:30 am
Pop out of bed realizing you have only 30 minutes to
(a) meet the big client at work
(b) meet the big sale at mall.

7:33 am
Drinking coffee in kitchen causes the releasing of a giant turkey fart. Your personal best!

7:53 am
Blender breakfast. Mistake turkey meat for banana. Out the door with a turkey smoothie supreme.

8:06 am
Red light! Spill smoothie on lap. Cuss out turkey

9:47 am
At work (or mall), people talk about reeking turkey smell. You claim not to smell it. Stupid.

12:10 pm
Lunch time and you guessed it, leftover mayo turkey san.

2:14 pm
Find office paper taped on back that reads, "I'm a proud member of the turkey barf club"

3:47 pm
To avoid embarrassment, you sneak from work (or mall) through the back door.

3:55 pm
Find car in parking lot wrapped in toilet paper. Everyone starts honking and pointing.

4:24 pm
Pull into driveway at home. Greeted by cat that smells turkey on leg. Sprays foot.

4:48 pm
Fire Dept. puts out burn pile in front yard consisting of clothes, leftover turkey, and cat.

5:15 pm
Caught naked and arrested for animal cruelty. Cat will be ok.

6:42 pm
Packed in a jail cell full of angry PETA protesters. Lie about liking tofu. Smart.

9:12 pm
Should be released on bail but all of savings spent on incredible sales.

10:49 pm
Finally released. Explain what happened to waiting news media.

If you happen to be a student, then it's pop out of bed realizing you have only 30 minutes to
(a) ......wait..no I don't. Pull alarm from wall and throw across room. Sleep in 'till noon. Wake up slowly realizing dad's at work and mom's gone shopping.

Spend day watching soaps, game shows, and MTV.  Microwave gravy covered turkey sandwich for lunch. Drink all of dad's beer.

If you happen to be a vegetarian
1) put the word tofu in front of turkey
2) exchange NRA for PETA. Lie about guns.

Got gas?

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 08:20:09 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The pill

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive.

"How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."










This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 08:23:35 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 26th - Don't Go Near a Mall Day

Today is the 331st day of the year, with only 35 days remaining in 2004.

November 26th - Don't Go Near a Mall Day The opening of the Christmas shopping season, the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest retail day of the year.

I TOOK HIM BACK TO WAL-MART
 I never could stand Melvin,
 Why I married him I'll never know.
 And for seventeen miserable years
 I have said Melvin has got to go!

 I tried poisoning cakes,
 Stripping his brakes,
 salting his pork chops with lime
 Wiring his chair,
 Igniting his hair
 even though playing with fire is a crime.

 But, I failed at each plot
 Till I suddenly thought of
 a way that would set me free!
 I got rid of him for good
 and, know what?  Thay can't do a thing to me!

 I took him back to Wal-Mart!
 They'll take anything back you know!
 They said they couldn't recall selling him,  But they must have if I said so.
 They just credited him to my Visa
 and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya heah?"

 They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent - I will!
 I'll take back his mother next year!
 They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart
 Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
 and know what else? this time of year?
 You don't even need a receipt!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -
1925 Paul Newman, racer/popcorn mogul/actor (Hud, Hombre, Hustler)
1928 Eartha Kitt, singer/actress (Catwoman-Batman)
1946 Gene Siskel, movie critic (Siskel & Ebert)
1958 Ellen DeGeneres, comedienne (Ellen Morgan-Ellen)

ARTISTIC -
1831 Mary Mapes Dodge, writer (Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates)
1871 Warner Fabian [Samuel H Adams], journalist/writer (Average Jones)

HISTORIC -
1880 Douglas MacArthur, General of the Army (WWII), he did return!
1904 Sean MacBride, statesman/Amnesty International co-founder (Nobel '74)
1944 Angela Yvonne Davis, black activist/professor
1949 Paul Nurse, doctor/director-General elect (Imperial Cancer Research Fund)

MUSIC -
1905 Maria Augusta von Trapp, singer, inspired "Sound of Music"
1951 David Briggs, rock guitarist (Little River Band-Help is on it's Way)
1957 Eddie Van Halen, rock guitarist (Van Halen-Jump, 1984)
1962 Tom Keifer, rock guitarist/vocalist (Cinderella-Heartbreak Station)
1963 Andrew Ridgeley, rock guitarist (Wham-Wake Me Up)

SCIENCE -
1902 Laurence "Bill" Craigie, jet pioneer
1952 Mario Runco Jr, Lieutenant-Commander USN/astronaut (STS 44, 54, 77)

SPORTS -
1970 Ronald Moore, NFL running back (New York Jets, St Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals) 1960 Gary Plummer, NFL linebacker (San Diego Chargers, San Francisco 49ers)
1961 Wayne Gretzky, Edmonton Oilers/Los Angeles Kings/New York Rangers (NHL MVP 1980-1987)


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 09:42:05 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Luxury hotel

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.  I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.  When I looked at the bill, I was furious.
  I called room service and fumed, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $6.50 for six crackers is outrageous!"
  "The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end cooly explained.  "I believe you are complaining about your room number."

--
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Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 08:59:29 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Submarine <mabe off to Mexicans>

A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink.

The barkeep says, "Here, you look down.  It's on the house if you'll tell me your story."

"Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent.  "Ess like theese: I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy."

"Really!" the barkeep says, surprised.  "I didn't know Mexico had a Navy."

"Oh, chure," the inspector says.

"So, what did you inspect?"

"Submarines."

"What did you have to do?"

"Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink.  "I get into the submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say, 'Take it down to 100 feet!'"

"And what happens?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks.  Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'"

"And then what happens?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks again.  And if everything goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a 500 feet!'"

"And then what happens?"

The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly.  "Then those damn adobe walls just fall apart!"

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Date:    Fri, 26 Nov 2004 13:15:27 -0600
From:    raneboux <raneboux@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: finally ..DE BONEus!

Bonus Snappy Answer
A pompous minister was seated next to a Texan on a flight to Dallas.  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by ten whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Texan looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."


        ~~~~~~~~
thethingsweFEARthemost
wehavealreadygonethrough
          RANEBOUX
              ~~~~~~

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