Digest for Wednesday, November 24, 2004

There are 11 messages totalling 531 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. LIPREADING:
  2. Who You Callin A Turkey?!?
  3. Eh, Canada!
  4. Dog names
  5. Moving Experience?
  6. Cant WAIT to see this movie!
  7. November 24th - Evolution Day
  8. Yankee Go Home!!!!
  9. abc for old folks
  10. Handwriting
  11. SNAPpy #5.. r......... saPPPEE TURKEY grEeTTtings!


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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 01:49:33 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: LIPREADING:

LIPREADING:
Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading.
For example:
Suppose a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean this place up,
Your stuff is lying all over on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow unless we do the laundry right now!"
Her lipreading husband will get:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I  blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 05:03:33 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Who You Callin' A Turkey?!?

The ValdosterU football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a great scholarship!"

"Forget the scholarship," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

     -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

The best way to deal with Thanksgiving relatives?
Turkey, and lots of it.
I'm talking Wild Turkey... 101 proof...

           - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 05:54:58 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Eh, Canada!

SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF???

1.  Smarties.

2.  Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp.

3.  The size of our footballs fields and one less down.

4.  Baseball is Canadian.

5.  Lacrosse is Canadian.

6.  Hockey is Canadian.

7.  Basketball is Canadian.

8.  Apple pie is Canadian.

9.  Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass.

10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass.

11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisments kick ass.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
|
|
|
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

....oh yeah...and our elections only take one day.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 05:40:39 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Dog names

A teacher was telling her class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dog rose, dog wood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones - a 'collie' flower!"

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 08:48:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Moving Experience?

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 15:51:11 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Can't WAIT to see this movie! <adult>

(Sent by an American friend. Written by Jerry Decker - I think)

THE "Kinsey" Report statistics:

* Men have 1,600 hours of sex in their lifetimes   1,610 if you count
with their partners.

* The best cure for a headache is sex. Day Two of filming, a crew member announced: "Yesterday I called my doc and said, 'I've got a headache.' He told me, 'Take two bimbos and call me in the morning.' "

* Difference between erotic and kinky. Erotic is twice a week. Kinky is three times during a commercial break. Erotic is Champagne and chateaubriand. Kinky is a bottle of Bud and takeout from Denny's.

So this guy who sat still for the report said: "The other night my wife met me at the front door stark naked. What a shock! She was just coming home."

A senior citizen couple, who were actually in a scene with Liam Neeson and Laura Linney, admitted suing the distributor of a "How to Make Love" video. It accidentally jammed on the Fast Forward button and broke both their pelvises.

Kinsey discovered that, after a few years, couples don't communicate.
One man, after seeing this in the movie, was heard saying: "That's ridiculous. And I've sent my wife an e-mail telling her so."

Kinsey was smart. One respondent asked him for job-hunting tips. He
replied: "If the application asks you to fill in the line 'Sex,'
answer, 'Male' or 'Female.' Do not write in, 'Your place or mine?' "

Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how do you know when it's time to go to a marriage counselor?" Answer: "When your husband comes home with confetti in his shorts. Or if he says, 'Hon, I'm going out for a cigarette' and he calls you from Istanbul."

Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how do my wife and I know when we've reached complete sexual compatibility?" Answer: "When you both achieve simultaneous migraines."

Question: "Dr. Kinsey, a very rich woman wants to make love to me. But she is not attractive. What should I do?" Answer: "That's a loaded question. But if she's loaded, there is no question."

Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how can you tell if your wife is frigid?"
Answer: "If a light goes on when she opens her mouth."

Question from a first-timer: "Dr. Kinsey, can you get hurt by unhooking a woman's bra yourself?" Answer: "Only if she's built like Pamela Anderson and the scaffolding breaks."

Some queries on the survey had no answers. Like, for instance:
Question: He's gay, she's bi. If they split who gets custody of the blow dryer?

And: After group sex, who do you respect in the morning? (We haven't yet seen the movie but are reliably told there are no answers for the
above.)

Some facts: * A man's sex drive is in his genes. We now know why Levi- Strauss used rivets to keep the fly closed.

* A North Carolina man was arrested for Doing It with his goat. To make matters worse, the goat is now suing him for palimony.

* From Hollywood, the laid-back capital of the universe, comes a new religion, "Relax-ology." Only four commandments but six suggestions.

* Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

Overheard during the taking of one couple's survey: Wife: "How come you never take me anyplace?" Husband: "I don't go out with married women."

After seeing this movie:

* One man decided to rekindle his romance with the wife. At midnight he poured Champagne, waltzed her into the bedroom and whispered: "Do what I tell you and you won't get hurt."

* The Fire Department has newly hung signs over each bed in their sleeping quarters. It says: "Occupancy by more than 12 is prohibited."

* There was just a huge scandal in England's little village of Cobham, Surrey. They found the housekeeper's pants in the vicar's vestry, and they found the vicar's vest in his housekeeper's pantry.

And in closing, remember: Sex is something a young man needs, a middle- aged man wants and an old man can't remember why he loved in the first place.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 08:52:02 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 24th - Evolution Day <ADULTISH>

Today is the 329th day of the year, with only 37 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 24th - Evolution Day
In 1859, Charles Darwin's "The Origin of the Species by Means of Natural = Selection" was published in England. His book described his theory of evolution.
=20
THE PROPOSITION
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few = weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, = the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. She was in heat. What to do? There = was no male of this species available.=20 =20 While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, = an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, = possessed ample ability to satisfy any female and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo = administrators thought they might have a solution.=20 =20 Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was = approached with a
proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla -- for five = hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter = over.=20 =20 The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but = only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and = "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The = zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?=20 =20 "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with = the five hundred bucks."
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -=20
1911 Kirby Grant, actor (Sky King)=20
1917 Howard Duff, actor (Flamingo Road, Knots Landing)=20
1925 William F Buckley Jr, right-wing curmudgeon (Firing Line)=20
1957 Denise Crosby, actress (Tasha-Star Trek: Next Generation)=20 =20 ARTISTIC -=20
1888 Dale Carnegie, author (How to Win Friends & Influence People)=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1713 Father Junipero Serra, had a mission in California=20
1784 Zachary Taylor (Whig), 12th President (Mar 5,1849-July 9,1850)=20
1877 Alben W Barkley, (35th Vice President-D-1949-53)=20
1942 Marlin Fitzwater, press secretary (George Bush)=20 =20 MUSIC -=20
1868 Scott Joplin, entertainer/composer (The Entertainer)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20 1930 Dante Lavelli, AAFC/NFL end (Cleveland Browns)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 14:33:38 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Yankee Go Home!!!!

from Canada's National Newspaper Tuesday, November the 24th 2004, the Mop and Pail,

-------------------------------------------------------------------
CANADA BEATING BACK BUSH BORDER DODGERS (Part I)

(AB) The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning US citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left.
Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals still got through. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through. They're slippery. They slide through any hole. I guess it's a benefit of having a holier-than-thou attitude. And Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into rusting Volvo station wagons, make them put their seatbelts on, drive them across the border and then leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of bottled drinking water. They weren't told the water's clean right out of the tap.  These liberals did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When west coast liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps run by Mr. Arnold himself, in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, watch NASCAR and chant 'Jeb as vice in 08.'

They will have to stay confined until they have changed their genetically-induced 'girly' acts into appropriate 'manly' behaviour. This will apply to women as well as men. In women, it will be labelled by the spinmasters as condiization.

East coast liberals are sent to Vermont, where the Canadian dollar is traded at par and where Canadian and American hockey players have long inter-married.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 09:54:49 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: abc for old folks

      A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
      That used to be right, But now it won't float!
      Age before Beauty is what we once said,
      But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

      Now:
      A's for arthritis;
      B's the bad back,
      C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
      D is for dental decay and also decline,
      E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
      F is for fissures and fluid retention,
      G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
      H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer it low;
      I for incisions with scars you can show.
      J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
      K is for knees that crack when they bend.
      L for libido, what happened to sex?
      M is for memory, I forget what comes next
      N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
      O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
      P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
      just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
      Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
      R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
      S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
      T for Tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!
      U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
      V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
      W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
      X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
      Y is another year I'm left here behind,
      Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.
      I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
      And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

      NOW I KNOW MY ABC's!

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 15:12:08 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Handwriting

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn't as neat as it usually was.
  "I'm trying out a new font," he explained.

--
_______________________________________________
Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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Date:    Wed, 24 Nov 2004 18:34:17 -0600
From:    raneboux <raneboux@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: SNAPpy #5.. r......... saPPPEE TURKEY grEeTTtings!

Snappy Answer 5
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

0happy gobble day folKS!
 RANE-BOuX
        ~~~~~~~~
thethingsweFEARthemost
wehavealreadygonethrough
          RANEBOUX
              ~~~~~~

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