Digest for Tuesday, November 23, 2004

There are 11 messages totalling 616 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Guide to Holiday Travel
  2. Four
  3. Male or Female???
  4. High School Choir
  5. The banker
  6. In the jungle
  7. November 23rd - Sagittarius, 9th sign of the Zodiac
  8. tractor
  9. Relationships
  10. What would Jesus do?


Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 05:04:35 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Guide to Holiday Travel


So you're a Blue Stater who plans to visit your family in the Red States over the holidays? Contrary to popular belief, travel to the Red States can still be a safe and rewarding experience, as long as you follow some basic guidelines to ensure your safety and sanity.


Researching your destination:
Although all Red States are, in fact, exactly the same, many attempt to market themselves in ways minutely different from others.  Feel free to read up on these miniscule differences so that, upon arrival, you can say things like, "They grow corn here, whereas they grow wheat in the state next door."
  Or, "Barbecue sauce in this state is vinegar-based, while in the state next door they use a tomato base."

Making sure you will fit in:
Citizens of the Red States are very particular about their religious beliefs.  If you are not a God-fearing, born-again, moral-values-having Christian, we recommend that you become one prior to your departure. Also, if you are not white, we recommend that you become white before leaving.

We encourage you to pack lightly for your trip into the Red States. If you pack heavily, Red State security forces may be concerned that you are attempting to smuggle abortion rights literature, Monday Night Football videotapes, or an independent journalist into the Red States. Even if you are not carrying contraband, you may experience delay and frustration as your shoes are searched for secret compartments containing microfiched copies of the Koran.

Strip your luggage of suspicious tags and stickers:
For instance, do not attach any identification tags that include a phone number beginning with 212, 202, 213, 312, 310, or virtually any other area code comprised of 3's, 2's, 1's, and 0's. This will only call attention to yourself as a Blue Stater, and may provoke derision and catcalls.


Have your papers in order:
You may be asked to produce your papers for inspection at any point during your stay in the Red States. It is very important to be able to produce them in a quick and orderly fashion.

Be prepared for culture shock:
Many Blue Staters are surprised by the vast cultural differences between the Red and Blue States. You should prepare yourself for the resulting culture shock. For instance:

- You will see bumper stickers and signs to which you have not previously been exposed. For instance, you will see signs such as "Bush-Cheney", "W04", and "Proud of Our Troops." Deep in the Red States, you may also see stickers and signs such as "Kickin' Butt and Takin' Arabic Names", "Osama Bin Runnin', but He Can't Be Hidin'", and "NR Fuckin' A".

- While driving, you may be unable to find any public radio. Do not panic.
Instead, tune to a Rush Limbaugh broadcast and pretend it is satire.

- You will see and hear references to something called "NASCAR." When someone makes this reference, back away slowly, without making any sudden movements, and seek shelter.

- In many Red State restaurants, your food will not be served to you on a plate. Rather, you will be asked to walk alongside a vast trough of various food items segregated into categories like "fried," "deep-fried,"
"pan-fried," and "fried pieces of fried food," and heap unreasonable quantities of said food onto a plastic tray. Do not be alarmed. You are unlikely to die as long as you do not engage in this eating behavior more than once or twice on your trip. If you are subjected to these so-called "buffets" more than twice, we recommend you leave the Red States immediately and obtain a macrobiotic smoothie injection in the nearest Blue State.


Travel within the Red States:
Many of you will be visiting family members and staying at their homes. You will be safe as long as you travel with these family members. Should you need to travel within the Red States without them, exercise great caution.
We recommend that you carry a full-size American flag.

Sight-seeing in the Red States:
Worthwhile sights found within the Red States include:
- A giant ball of twine.
- Many birthplaces of Republicans.

Family time:
If you are spending time with your family, remember:

- Bite your tongue whenever someone makes a political point with which you do not agree. You will be able to seek medical attention for the dozens of injuries to your tongue upon your return to the Blue States.
- Pronounce our nation's greatest enemies, "Eye-rack" and "Eye-ran."
- Whenever the subject of military service comes up in conversation, repeat these words: "Those men made the greatest sacrifice. Freedom is not free."
Then talk about football.


After spending a day in the Red States, you will be ready to leave. Do so quickly and inconspicuously. Once you are safely on Blue State soil, turn back toward the Red State you just departed, and scream. It will be cathartic.

           - from Spiral Stairs's diary @ dailykos.com



Water in most red states is perfectly safe to drink, provided you are not near one of the following:
- hog farm
- paper mill
- meat processing plant
- turkey farm
- strip mine
- outhouse
- other farm, mine, or mill of any type

Regardless of local water conditions, however, it is not advisable to bring your own bottled water.
Bottled water is for commie pinko bastards.

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 02:36:54 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Four

My old pick-up truck has wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost and wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor. But what I really need is wire elements to the tailgate. To keep my hands warm while pushing!


The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O.
            --Martin Mull


Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
            --Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love


In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities where they live is noisier now than they were five years ago.
The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.


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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 06:03:20 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Male or Female???

 You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking

the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have

you been eating doughnuts?"

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 07:09:19 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: High School Choir

When I sang in the concert choir in high school, we had a very skillful, operatically-trained director.  One day she was demonstrating tonal and breath control and sang a single note, perfectly true, with no vibrato, for what seemed to us like five minutes.

Just as she finished, with no time for her to regain her breath, a voice from the back of the room piped up, "If this had been a real emergency...."


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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 06:21:04 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The banker

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 15:28:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: In the jungle

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."

They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped.

The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.

"Do as I do! Very important!" hissed the guide with great urgency.

"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.

In a terrified whisper the guide replied: "Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 07:54:38 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 23rd - Sagittarius, 9th sign of the Zodiac

Today is the 328th day of the year, with only 38 days remaining in 2004.
November 23rd - Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21)=20 9th sign of the Zodiac RULING PLANET: Jupiter, the original Mr. Know-it-all.
ELEMENT: Fire (energetic)
QUADRUPLICITY: Mutable (versatility)
POLARITY: Positive / Masculine (direct, self-expressive or extrovert)
SYMBOL: The Centaur is the symbol that represents the dual nature, the = intellectual
(brain) and the animal (torso), of humankind.
COLOR OF CHOICE: Deep Blue, Purple=20
BODY PART: Sagittarius rules the thighs.
KEY PHRASE: "I see."
* On the downside:  Arrogant, Lack of Humility, Bigoted, Careless, = Lawless.=20
* Your good qualities include: Optimistic, Jovial, Generous, = Philosophical, and Lucky.=20
* The betterment of humanity through integration of your beliefs and = aspirations will be your life's work.

HUMOR SCOPE (http://humorscope.com)
The Humorscope has been called "uncannily accurate" by at least one = person. I construct forecasts each day, using precise planetary positions, a custom-made = analog computer, and ancient Norwegian meditation techniques. Or at least, that's what I = would do if I had more time. Currently, I mostly just spin a carrot.=20 =20 Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You will find a renewed interest in home = repair or remodeling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your = nephew.=20 =20 Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Good day to make as much goulash as = possible.=20 =20 Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - Today you will be up the creek, but you will = actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on = your part.=20 =20 Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - You are about to scare several people out = of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.=20 =20 Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Someone you know will drone on and on about = various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of = those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been = waiting for", and dash off.=20 =20 Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - While attempting to stifle a yawn = today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, = and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find = that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.=20 =20 Libra (September 22 - October 22) - Sometimes you need to take one step = back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further = back.=20 =20 Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - A good day to start getting your = affairs in order.
You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy = them up.=20 =20 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - Excellent day to play the = William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over = the lamp.=20 =20 Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) - This is not a good day to start a = new romance.
Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the = back of Mad magazine.=20 =20 Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) - Today you will get a wrong number = phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra = points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!=20 =20 Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - You will independently re-discover an = old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, = you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical = abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.=20 =20 =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
1887 Boris Karloff [William H Pratt], actor (Frankenstein)=20
1888 Harpo Marx [Adolph], actor/comedian (Marx brothers)=20
1939 Susan Anspach, actress (Grace-Yellow Rose, Blume in Love)=20
1951 David Rappaport, 3'11" actor (Wizard, Time Bandits)=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1749 Edward Rutledge (Gov-SC), signed Declaration of Independence=20
1804 Franklin Pierce, 14th President (1853-1857)=20
1859 Billy the Kid [William H Bonney], criminal=20 1930 William E Brock (Sen-D- )/US Secretary of Labor (1985-87)=20 =20 MUSIC -=20
1928 Jerry Bock, Broadway composer (Fiddler on the Roof)=20 =20 SCIENCE -=20
1837 Javan der Waals, physicist (Cont of Liquid & Gaseous States)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1952 Francie Larrieu Smith, US, track runner (AAU 1 mile-1979)=20
1956 Shane Gould, Australia, 200m/400m freestyle swimmer = (Olympics-gold-1972)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 08:29:55 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: tractor

      A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and
      pleads  with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to
      get a car.  His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn
      and points to  the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on
      the farm and I  promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
      The boy was not too  happy but he did understand that situation and said,
      "Okay, Dad."

      A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new
      two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that
      tractor is  paid for ..."

      Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for
      a  tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being
      paid  for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
      disgusted  with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly  goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

      His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do some thing like that?
      didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

      The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody
      rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.

                  Copyright 2003 LongBraid Designs

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 15:06:34 -0500
From:    S Beck <clancy5@GMAIL.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>


'Twas the night of thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
the dark meat and white.
But I fought the temptation
with all of my might.

Tossing and turning in anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door.
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, 'till all of a sudden I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees happy eating to all , pass the cranberries please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump
may your potatoes
and gravy have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious,
may your pies take the prize
may your thanksgiving dinner
stay off of your thighs.

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 13:45:19 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Relationships

Most men fantasize in having a relationship with many beautiful women at the same time.

For a man, commitment to a woman means giving up his fantasy.

Most women fantasize in having a relationship with one man who can provide economic security.

For a woman, commitment to a man means achieving her fantasy.

Conclusion:  commitment means that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
       ~ Woody Allen (b. Allen Konigsberg December 1, 1935)

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Date:    Tue, 23 Nov 2004 19:42:27 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: What would Jesus do?

  Alaska -- A principal at a Christian school who was fired for being voluntarily whipped in front of two students does not regret his decision. "I'm not bitter," Steve Unfreid said of his dismissal as principal of Matanuska Christian School in Palmer.
  Unfreid said his choice of discipline was inspired by the actions of Jesus. He asked teacher Joe Brost to whip him in front of two male students in the school's basement last month after the boys were caught kissing girls in the locker room for the second time in a week.
  When the two seniors, 17 and 18, got caught kissing the girls in front of younger students, Unfreid said he contemplated about what discipline to hand out. He woke at 3 a.m. and prayed how to avoid expelling them.
  He said that was when he remembered years ago he had cured his son of chronic lying by telling his son to hit him with a wooden ladle instead of spanking the youngster.
  Later at school, Unfreid walked the boys down to a basement room with Brost. He told them, " 'Guys, this has gotta stop,' " he said. " 'I've let the atmosphere get too lax. I share in this discipline. This is a one-time deal.' "
  Then the principal took off his belt, gave it to Brost, and instructed the teacher to "discipline me like you would discipline your own son," he recalled.
  He told the teacher to stop only when the students acknowledged their mistake. The whole thing, starting with the trip downstairs, lasted 5 to 10 minutes, he said.
  The next day, Unfreid mentioned the lesson in Bible class.
A student in class complained, talked to school officials, and word of the incident spread. Unfreid was put on administrative leave that Thursday.
  The school's board of directors unanimously decided in a closed-door session to fire Unfreid. Brost resigned.
  Unfreid violated school policy by not notifying parents before going ahead with discipline, particularly with "anything that unusual," school board president and acting administrator Scott Richardson said Friday.
  Unfreid said in an interview Friday at his Wasilla home that he should have called the boys' parents first, but expressed no regret for his behavior.

+Source: Associated Press, Nov. 18, 2004+

[So if the principal had caught the students having sex, he'd have asked for a crucifixion?  -Terry]

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