Digest for Monday, November 22, 2004

There are 8 messages totalling 453 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Hunting
  2. Change in Plans
  3. Billy Bob
  4. Dont Anthropomorphize
  5. November 22nd - National Stop the Violence Day
  6. Richard Lederer --&-- Dave Barry
  7. Slang From Down Under
  8. Poet laureates motto


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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 05:08:06 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Hunting

I love hunting season... The guys in my neighborhood ask me every weekend if I want to go.

My reply? "Nah, I think I'll just stay and look after the women."

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 13:56:05 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Change in Plans

(Sent by an American friend)

Change in Plans

To my Thanksgiving Guests,

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.


The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.

Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.

Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming.

If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.

We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not behappening at our dinner.

For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.
It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.



Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints.

You will still have a choice: #1 take it or #2leave it.

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 06:27:44 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Billy Bob

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned  if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 08:29:49 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Don't Anthropomorphize

Don't anthropomorphize computers ... they hate that.

(Anthropomorphize, verb.  To ascribe human characteristics to things not human.)


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 05:52:08 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 22nd - National Stop the Violence Day

Today is the 327th day of the year, with only 39 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 22nd - National Stop the Violence Day On the anniversary of President Kennedy's assassination in 1963, radio = and TV stations across the country promote a one-day cease-fire on gang violence.
=20
HOME VIOLENCE
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband = in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off = the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
=20
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she = had anything to say to defend herself. "Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I = figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -=20
1921 Rodney Dangerfield, comedian (Caddyshack, Back to School)=20
1924 Geraldine Page, actress (Interiors, Trip to Bountiful)=20
1932 Robert Vaughn, actor (Napoleon Solo-Man from UNCLE, I Spy)=20
1958 Jamie Lee Curtis, actress (Anything But Love, Halloween)=20
1961 Mariel Hemingway, actress (Manhattan, Personal Best)=20
1966 Nicholas Rowe, actor (Young Sherlock Holmes)=20 =20 ARTISTIC -=20
1819 George Eliot, novelist (Silas Marner)=20 1940 Terry Gilliam, comedy writer-animator (Monty Python)=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1868 John Nance Garner (D), 32nd VP (1933-41)=20 1890 Charles de Gaulle, President of France (1958-69)=20
1898 Wiley Post, aviator/parachutist (crashed in Alaska)=20 =20 MUSIC -=20
1899 Hoagy Carmichael, actor/songwriter (Stardust)=20 1950 Little Steven, rocker (Springsteen-Born to Run)=20 =20 SCIENCE -=20 1930 Owen K Garriott, astronaut (Skylab 3, STS-9)=20
1942 Guion S Bluford Jr, Col USAF/astronaut (STS 8, STS 61A, STS 39)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1943 Billie Jean King, tennis pro (Wimbledon 1968, 72, 73, 75)=20
1967 Boris Becker, tennis player (Wimbledon 1985,86,89) =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 06:21:04 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Richard Lederer   --&--   Dave Barry

First, thanks to the JokeStar who noticed that the joke I sent to HUMOR, THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE is a taken from the introduction to CRAZY ENGLISH (Pocket Books, 1989), by Richard Lederer.
Apologies to Richard Lederer for not recognizing it as his work.
**********************************************************


'Twas the Night before the Morning After
    by Dave Barry

'Twas the Night Before the Morning After Christmas Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Except Dad, who was stirring his third martini In a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood As he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9-year-old son, Bobby It was a highly complex toy A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of A toy that cost more than Dad's first car A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said "SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED"
Which was like saying that the Titanic sustained "some water damage"
Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle And speaking of space, Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist Because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers And Dad could not find his Phillips screwdriver In fact, he was wondering who "Phillips" was And why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than everybody else That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-b to Part 3047-c using a steak knife But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house Mom was at the Toys "R" Us store In fact, this was the fifth Toys "R" Us store that Mom had been to that night In her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-year-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season It was, of course, a Barbie doll But not just ANY Barbie doll It had to be the new model Abdominals Barbie The one who came with her own little pink stomach-muscle-exercise device It was the hottest Barbie doll of all this holiday season Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it Or her holiday season would be RUINED And so of course the Mattel Corporation Which is run by evil trolls from hell Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys "R" Us Which means that the odds were against Mom Because on this same festive night Thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie Night of the Living Dead Only less ethical The store was a war zone Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club She claimed her prize And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents She raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot Barely missing the Salvation Army person She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room Where she found Dad Actually she found Dad's feet The rest of Dad was under the sofa A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there Dad, now on his fifth martini Was trying to strangle the dog Which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y And just at that very moment Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter That Dad let go of the dog And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter And what to their wondering eyes should appear But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer "Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen! Now . . . Umm . . . Now . . . Dancer!"
"He already said Dancer," observed Dad
"He can't remember them all," said Mom
"I think one of them is Pluto," said Dad "Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?" said Mom "You're thinking of Bluto," said Dad "Now . . . Umm . . . Now Flicka!" said Santa "Flicka was a horse, that I DO know," said Mom "Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?" said Dad "They're going up on the roof," said Mom "Like hell they are," said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop He had a broad face and a round little belly That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly Which was pretty gross "What's so funny?" asked Dad "You two," said St. Nick. "Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!"
"Do you have kids?" asked Mom
"Well, no," said Santa
"Hah," said Mom
"But I am beloved by children the world over," said Santa "Well," said Dad, "you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy"
"What seems to be the problem?" said Santa, coming over to have a look "I'm stuck on Step 824," said Dad "Who wrote these instructions?" asked Santa. "Martians?"
"Apparently," said Dad
"I used to be pretty good with tools," said Santa. "Hand me that steak knife"
"Sure," said Dad. "Care for a martini?"
"Heck yes," said Santa
And so he went to work
And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed Leaving old St. Nick in the family room He said some pretty unsaintly words But he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia and Africa This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed When Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie And Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy Which he broke in under four minutes A new holiday record But it was still a festive day Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late-night visitor Which, at first, the kids did not believe In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 percent sure it had happened Until Dad got out the ladder And one by one they climbed up to the roof And there they saw it . . .
As real as life . . .
A Holiday Miracle . . .
Reindeer poop.
(And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage.)

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 10:30:50 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Slang From Down Under<lang&adult>

Slang From Down Under

One in the departure lounge: The need to defecate imminently.

Picasso Arse: A woman, whose panties are too small for her, so she looks like she has four buttocks.

Salad Dodger: An overweight person.

Sperm Wail or Spuphemism: A verbal outburst made during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut: A homosexual.

Swamp Donkey: A deeply unattractive woman.

Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Titanic: A woman who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Double Bagger: Someone that you need two paper bags to fuck. One to cover their head, and one to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.

Up on blocks: Menstruating or otherwise out of action, like a car in a garage.  "I don't thin I'm in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks."

Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Airplane Blonde: One who has bleached or dyed her hair blonde but still has a black box.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

Badly Packed Kebab: A term for the female genitalia.

Beaver Leaver: A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at three in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking The Seal: Your first piss in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking.  After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Bruce Lee: An erect nipple.

Budgie's Tongue, Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag:
The female erection.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other.  The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Drink Link: A modern term, for a cashpoint machine (ATM).
Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

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Date:    Mon, 22 Nov 2004 19:33:03 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Poet laureate's motto

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  The U.S. poet laureate, Billy Collins, travels extensively and, wherever he goes, he loves to give readings.  It seems that this willingness to share his poetic thoughts with his appreciative public is largely genetic.
  "My family's motto," he explains, "is carpe podium."

--
_______________________________________________
Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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