Digest for Friday, November 19, 2004

There are 13 messages totalling 447 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. What lives on a farm and has 3 legs?
  2. Hiding Things
  3. A Couple Of Smiles.....
  4. Warning to all men
  5. Womens favorite Email of the year!!!
  6. November 19th - World Toilet Summit Anniversary (UGA Birthday!!)
  7. How Could You Tell?
  8. Vindictive
  9. Still more breaking Arafat news
  10. Whatever!
  11. tape & Martha
  12. Gnome peep$how
  13. The Navy watch


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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 23:50:07 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: What lives on a farm and has 3 legs?

_____________________________________________________

Q. What lives on a farm and has 3 legs?

A. The McCartneys .....

_____________________________________________________


Q. Where do you go when your hand falls off?

A. To the second-hand store, of course.....

_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 05:08:42 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Hiding Things   <adult!>

When I'm the Evil Ruler of the World, I'm going to pass a law making "burying self-serving legislation in admirable-sounding bills" an offense punishable by death, starting the day after my law is passed.

But I'm going to hide it somewhere in the 10,000 pages of the "Free Money And Blow Jobs For All Politicians Act"....

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 06:18:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple Of Smiles.....

Greeks vs. Italians...

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"

....and so on and so on and then the Greek says:

"We invented sex" The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's In A Name???

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman  standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said.
"Did your mother give it to you?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life, cars and men." They continued to talk and finally she asked "What's your name"?
"Beerfuck", he replied.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 13:47:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Warning to all men <sexist>

Warning to all men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps,and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"
occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 05:42:42 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Women's favorite Email of the year!!!

THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR !!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 05:41:35 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 19th -  World Toilet Summit Anniversary (UGA Birthday!!)

Today is the 324th day of the year, with only 42 days remaining in 2004.

November 19th - World Toilet Summit Anniversary In 2001, members of the new World Toilet Association opened the first World Toilet Summit in Singapore to swap ideas on toilet design, public education, and public sanitation.
Flush a toilet today in celebration!

ODE TO THE TOILET SEAT
If I should only do Number 1,
And I can stand to do it,
Why should I put down the seat,
Just so you don't fall through it?

To stand and answer nature's call,
Requires that I touch nothing,
But when you sit upon the throne,
Your rear leaves germs abundant.

So when you sit and ponder this,
While relieving your inner pressure,
To lift the seat laden with your germs,
Would be a fantastic gesture.

And when I sit, I'll do likewise,
For it is only fair.
And thanks for letting me speak my mind, I hope this clears the air.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
UGA -
1948 Jim Mica

ACTING -
1919 Alan Young, actor (Time Machine, Wilbur Post-Mr Ed)
1919 George Fenneman, TV announcer (You Bet Your Life)
1933 Larry King, radio talk show host "143 Arivadechi" (Larry King Show)
1936 Dick Cavett, talk show host (Dick Cavett Show)
1938 Ted Turner, broadcasting mogul/owns Atlanta Braves/won America's Cup
1941 Dan Haggerty, actor (Grizzly Adams)
1961 Meg Ryan, actress (When Harry Met Sally, As the World Turns)
1962 Jodie Foster, actress (Taxi Driver, Accused)

ARTISTIC -
1942 Calvin Klein, fashion designer (Calvin Klein Jeans)

HISTORIC -
1805 Ferdinand de Lesseps, diplomat (built Suez Canal)
1831 James A Garfield, 20th President (March 4-Sept 19, 1881)
1917 Indira Gandhi, Indian PM (1966-77, 1980-84)

MUSIC -
1905 Tommy Dorsey, orchestra leader (Stage Show, Mahogany)

SPORTS -
1921 Roy Campanella, Brooklyn Dodger catcher (NL MVP 1951/53/55)
1947 Bob Boone, catcher (Phillies, Angels)
1949 Ahmad Rashad (Bobby Moore), NFL receiver (Minnesota Vikings)/sportscaster
1957 Kathy Sanborn, WBL guard (NY Stars)
1957 Otis J Anderson, NFL running back (NY Giants, 1990 Superbowl MVP)
1957 Sharon Farrah, WBL guard (NY Stars) 1960 "Lovely" Elizabeth, WWF's 1st lady of wrestling


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 08:49:29 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How Could You Tell?

A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"

The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"

Jill responded, "No, by the wee tilt in your kilt."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 07:53:41 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Vindictive

~ Victoria
--
"Good looks catch the eye but a good personality catches the heart; you are blessed with both."

Don't be flattered, this message was sent to me. I just wanted you to read it.

---
You know, things could be worse.
What if sex was fattening?

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 09:17:54 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Still more breaking Arafat news

Still waiting for word on whether the recently deceased Palestinian lead Yasser Arafat will endorse the latest peace plan, a close aid suggested that his condition may be worsening since being buried.  Amidst calls by the opposition leaders for his resignation, an informed source suggests that if things deteriorate any further there will be an attempt to declare Arafat non-compus mentis.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 10:48:11 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Whatever!

Whatever by Jim Mica
19-Nov-2004

According to a recent article in The New York Times* "passive-aggressive" has been dropped from the list of personality disorders in the new diagnostic manual  --the DSM IV- put out by the American Psychiatric Association.  The Association says that the definition of the disorder is too narrowly defined and it does not have enough scientific evidence behind it.  Now, that's the official reason, but the article goes on to state that psychologists and psychiatrists say the now non-pathological syndrome is hard to study because it is "covert, common and widely variable."

The author adds this illuminating paragraph:

     The classic description of the behavior captures a stubborn malcontent,
     someone who passively resists fulfilling routine tasks, complains of being
     misunderstood and underappreciated, unreasonably scorns authority and voices
     exaggerated complaints of personal misfortune.

Well, I never, I mean, this sounds like an attack upon the entire UGA fraternity.  I supposed these pointy-headed shrinks feel that they are doing the right thing, but you'd think that they'd be able to let us poor bit-besmuged amateur humorists have a syndrome of our own.  It's really hard going from day to day trying to add to those 10 to 20 examples of humor when you can't even proudly label your affliction with a catchy psychological term.

Still, I suppose "they" know what they are doing.

--------
*Carey, Benedict. "Oh, Fine, You're Right.  I'm Passive-Aggressive."  The New York Times, November 16, 2004, F1 ff.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 11:37:15 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: tape & Martha<lang>

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
===============


Must say I feel a lot safer for my family now that Martha is in jail.

O.J. & Kobe and Micheal Jackson are walking around, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean the house and work in yard and slam her ass in jail.

What a country !!!!

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 19:58:20 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Gnome peep$how

  Berlin - Thieves have stolen scantily clad garden gnomes from a gnome peepshow in an eastern German amusement park, park manager Frank Ullrich said on Thursday.
  "The gnomes display naked body parts -- the same ones you'd expect to see in a human peep show," Ullrich said of his missing stars.
  The adults-only attraction at Dwarf-Park Trusetal, where visitors peep through keyholes to see the saucy German miniatures in compromising poses, was smashed open early on Thursday morning.
  Ullrich said he feared the gnomes would not be traced.
"I doubt they're standing in someone's garden, they'll have to have been hidden inside."

+Source: Reuters, Nov. 19, 2004+


--
_______________________________________________
Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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Date:    Fri, 19 Nov 2004 23:55:35 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The Navy watch

A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

"Damn it!  I forgot to take it off Daylight Savings time again!  Its an hour fast."

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