Digest for Thursday, November 18, 2004

There are 13 messages totalling 473 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. snappy ansWER 3
  2. Ahhh.... Back To Normal!
  3. Sure Fire
  4. GREAT SIGNS.....
  5. This guy needs a push
  6. Margaret Spellings
  7. The Waitress
  8. Diplomacy
  9. More breaking news
  10. Birthday of William Schwenck Gilbert (1836 - 1911), Nov. 18th
  11. quickies
  12. November 18th - Great American Smokeout Day
  13. Fuels squadron


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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 01:37:41 -0600
From:    raneboux <raneboux@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: snappy ansWER 3

Snappy Answer 3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.  The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."  When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

        ~~~~~~~~
thethingsweFEARthemost
wehavealreadygonethrough
          RANEBOUX
              ~~~~~~

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 05:04:11 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Ahhh.... Back To Normal!   <adult>

LIBERALS RETURN TO SODOMY, WELFARE FRAUD  TheOnion.com

BERKELEY, CA - No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and cheating the welfare system. "I've been so busy canvassing for the Democratic Party, I haven't had a single moment for suckling at the government's teat or no-holds-barred ass ramming," said Jason Carvelli, an unemployed pro-hemp activist. "Now, my friends and I can finally get back to warming our hands over burning American flags and turning kids gay."
Carvelli added that his "number-one priority" is undermining the efforts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 05:21:03 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Sure Fire

I have a sure fire way to keep my wife from buying an outfit.

When she tries it on, I say, "I just love that middle-aged look it gives you."

She never buys it after that!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 06:14:04 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: GREAT SIGNS.....

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

 In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 06:27:08 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: This guy needs a push

  A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
          morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
          and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
          in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

          "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock
          in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

          "Who was that?" asked his wife.

          Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

          "Did you help him?" she asks.

          "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is
          pouring out!"

          "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
          you remember about three months ago when we broke down
          and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help
          him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

          The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
          into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
          "Hello, are you still there?"

          "Yes," comes back the answer.

          "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

          "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

          "Where are you?" asks the husband.

          "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 04:46:50 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Margaret Spellings

President Bush has appointed Margaret Spellings, a White House domestic-policy adviser, to be secretary of education. It was quickly noted that the new director is married.  That was a relief as Department of Education is the last place you want to find Miss Spellings.





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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 15:16:11 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Waitress

A customer wanted to ask the attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee!"

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 08:09:41 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Diplomacy

A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home.

When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a good time, he said:

"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect."
---

Okay, I am over 50 now but I'm still a hot babe; only now it comes in flashes.
      ~ Victoria

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 09:30:35 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: More breaking news

Yasser Arafat, listed as stable after dying in a Paris hospital, has returned to Rumallah.  However, he is remaining mute on his successor and still has not endorsed a peace plan for the Palestinians.

Stay tuned for further developments.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 12:25:22 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Birthday of William Schwenck Gilbert (1836 - 1911), Nov. 18th

If the name William Schwenck Gilbert seems vaguely familiar, but you're just not quite sure, think of it conjoined with that of Sir Arthur Sullivan.  Yes, indeed, Gilbert was the wordsmith of the dynamic duo that gave us those great operettas "Pirates of Penzance," "The Mikado," and "Iolanthe."  [For those of you now trying to remember the name of the actual third member of "the big three" it's "HMS Pinafore."]

Sullivan wrote lovely music, but Gilbert's characters and lyrics are why we still remember the work of the two.  [Case in point:  how many times
have you EVER heard "The Lost Chord" performed?   That was Sullivan without
Gilbert.]


Consider the words Gilbert puts into the mouth of a lowly Army Private on guard duty in "Iolanthe":

Scene.--Palace Yard, Westminster.  Westminster Hall, L.  Clock tower up, R.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight.

                      SONG--PRIVATE WILLIS.

When all night long a chap remains
     On sentry-go, to chase monotony
He exercises of his brains,
     That is, assuming that he's got any.
Though never nurtured in the lap
     Of luxury, yet I admonish you,
I am an intellectual chap,
     And think of things that would astonish you.
          I often think it's comical--Fal, lal, la!
          How Nature always does contrive--Fal, lal, la!
               That every boy and every gal
                    That's born into the world alive
               Is either a little Liberal
                    Or else a little Conservative!
                                   Fal, lal, la!


According to Jeffrey Kacirk's "Forgotten English," Gilbert may have been the originator of one of our favorite musical puns:

"Shortly after the demise of a composer Gilbert knew, an annoying fan who was unaware of the death inquired about that musician's current project.  Gilbert discreetly replied that as far as he knew, the composer was "doing nothing."
When the fan pressed him again, saying, "Oh, come now.
Surely he most be composing something," the irritated Gilbert replied, "On the contrary, sir, he is decomposing."

There is a memorial to W.S. Gilbert on the north shore of the River Thames not far from the Savoy Theater where most of the great G&S operettas were first performed.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 08:02:59 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: quickies<adult>

Q: What is the difference between a sewing machine and
   a lady jogging?
A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a
   loudspeaker.

Q; How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's
   kilt?
A: Depends how long the perch is.

Q: Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose situation?
A; He may have you on your knees, but you have him by
   the balls!

Yo' Momma's so ugly... when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it !

Q: What's a porn star's favorite body of water?
A: Lake Hurontop.

Q:What's Steven King's favorite body of water?
A: Lake Eerie.

Q: What's Mother Teresa favorite body of water?
A: Lake Superior.

Q: Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises?
A: Because they should be.

Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until tomorrow.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 10:52:25 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 18th - Great American Smokeout Day

Today is the 323rd day of the year, with only 43 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 18th - Great American Smokeout Day On the third Thursday in November, encourage smokers to quit for at = least one day. 419,000 people die every year in the U.S. as a result of smoking; 3,000 die from = second-hand smoke. Also known as Quit Smoking Day.
=20
SMOKER'S PRAYER
Heavenly Father, hear my plea,
and grant my lungs serenity.
=20
Give me strength to kick the smoking
that's been causing all my choking.
=20
Let my breath be fresh and clean
without a trace of nicotine.
=20
Guide me by your holy means
past all those cigarette machines.
=20
I ask your help and it's no wonder
'cause if I don't quit, I'm six feet under.
=20
cough ... cough ... cough
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -=20
1908 Imogene Coca, comedienne (Your Show of Shows, Grindl)=20
1939 Brenda Vaccaro, actress (Cactus Flower, Sara, Paper Dolls)=20
1942 Linda Evans, actress (Dynasty, Big Valley, Beach Blanket Bingo)=20
1947 Jameson Parker, actor (American Justice, Simon & Simon)=20 1950 Elizabeth Perkins, actress (About Last Night, Big)=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1901 George Gallup, public opinion pollster (Gallup Poll)=20
1928 Mickey Mouse cartoon strip=20
=20
MUSIC -=20
1836 William Schwenck Gilbert, composer (Gilbert & Sullivan)=20
1909 Johnny Mercer, lyricist (Moon River, That Old Black Magic)=20 1950 Graham Parker, musician (Live Sparks, Mercury Poisoning)=20 1960 Kim Wilde, rocker (You Keep Me Hanging On)=20
1962 Kirk Hammett, rock guitarist (Metallica-Helpless)=20 =20 SCIENTIFIC -=20
1923 Alan B Shepard Jr, Rear Adm USN/astronaut (Merc 3, Ap 14)=20
1951 Mark N Brown, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 28, STS 48)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1869 James E Sullivan, founder Amateur Athletic Union
1881 Percy Lesueur, hockey player/inventor (large goalie glove)=20
1948 Jack Tatum, NFL defensive back (Raiders)=20
1949 Ted Sator, NHL coach (NY Rangers, Buffalo Sabres)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Thu, 18 Nov 2004 18:56:56 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Fuels squadron

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  My wife works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of her co-workers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots.  One day the fuel crew decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots.  They all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians."

--
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Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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