Digest for Tuesday, November 16, 2004

There are 10 messages totalling 456 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Bus Stop
  2. New exercise Routine if youre over 30.....
  3. My 50th birthday
  4. Memory (Not a T.O.P. joke)
  5. Physician, Heal Thyself!
  6. quickies
  7. He Shoulda ...
  8. November 16th - School Pride Day
  9. Grannys dating advice
  10. Faith Converter


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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 05:05:18 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Bus Stop

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

The other day I purposely angered a bus driver so that he would tell me where to get off.

           - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 06:06:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New exercise Routine if you're over 30.....

New exercise Routine if you're over 30!
 You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN .....>>>>>>>
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>>
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NOW SCROLL UP.. ...

That's enough for the first day.
Have some beer.

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 06:23:14 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: My 50th birthday

Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 15:20:54 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Memory (Not a T.O.P. joke)

An elderly gentleman, in his 90's, very well dressed, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, also well dressed and  attractive, sitting alone. The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 08:43:25 -0500
From:    Lee Bradley <brad8688@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Physician, Heal Thyself!

A true story:

Yesterday, on a cross-town trip, I followed a car in which three = teen-aged women were all obviously smoking, for each one was hanging her = cigarette out an open window. =20

At one point, I got close enough to see the special purchase tag on the =
car:  BEAT BREAST CANCER!

---------------------
Aaron McGruder's "The Boondocks"  comic strip was especially good this =
morning:

One guy talking to the other:  "All of these so-called 'Christian' = Republicans don't make no sense. ... I mean, do you REALLY think Jesus = would be pro-death penalty?"

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 06:46:13 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: quickies<adult>

 We have it on good authority that one of New York's biggest night clubs is going to introduce a new act: a midget stripteaser. She'll entertain the customers who are under the table.

 A glamorous actress, whose best days were behind her, began finding herself without male companionship several evenings a week. To help pass the time--and perhaps catch a live one--she decided to attend one of those Hollywood charity meetings. She dozed quietly throughout the opening address, but awoke suddenly to hear the speaker say:"Now let's get out and work like beavers."
    The actress nudged the person sitting next to her and whispered, "How do beavers work?"
    The answer from the confused lady on her left was, "I'm not too sure, but I think it's with their tails."
    The actress jumped to her feet and shouted as loud as she could, "Put me down for three nights a week!"

 As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying conclusion, the coed began fidgeting in her seat. The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired, "Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"
    "No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."

 Johnny, a Hollywood youngster, was very proud because he had the most parents at the P.T.A. meeting.

There's a new jewelrey store in Hollywood whose business has suddenly leaped ahead of all the competition. It rents wedding rings.

 Two sexy young starlets were sipping stingers at Chasen's, in Hollywood.
    "You remember that backless, frontless, sideless evening gown I wore to the sneak preview last week?" asked teh first.
    "Sure," said her friend, "it was a sensation."
    "I just found out it's a belt."

 Then there was the clumsy file clerk who dropped her birth control pills into the Xerox machine. It wouldn't reproduce for a month.

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 19:10:25 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: He Shoulda ...

The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to acquire new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for the 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.  She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!

Men have no idea when to keep their mouth shut.

[Thanks to Steve Kilbride]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 18:05:23 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 16th - School Pride Day

Today is the 321st day of the year, with only 45 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 16th - School Pride Day
The Tuesday of American Education Week is School Pride Day. Wear your = school colors on this day to show your pride in your school.
=20
REUNION PRIDE
My wife and I were at my high school reunion.  As I looked around, I = noticed the other men in their expensive suits and bulging stomachs.
=20
Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I = was in high school -- the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside = farm -- I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can wear the suit he graduated in."
=20
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back to me.  "You're the only = one who has to."
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -=20
1908 Burgess Meredith, actor (Mr Novak, Penguin-Batman, Rocky)=20
1928 Clu Gulager, actor (Virginian, Survivors, Tall Man)=20
1953 Griff Rhys Jones, British humorist/actor (Morons From Outer Space)=20
1958 Marg Helgenberger, actress (China Beach, Ryan's Hope)=20 1970 Martha Plimpton, actress (Goonies, Mosquito Coast)=20 =20 ARTISTIC -=20
1916 Daws Butler, cartoon voice (Elroy Jetson)=20
1971 Donald Wolf, computer game creator=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1888 Clinton Golden, founder United Steelworkers of America =20 MUSIC -=20
1873 W(illiam) C(hristopher) Handy, jazz star (St Louis Blues)=20
1969 Bryan Abrams, vocalist (Color Me Badd-I Want to Sex You Up)=20 =20 SCIENTIFIC -=20 1950 Carl J Meades, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 38, sk:STS-50)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1963 Zina Garrison, USA, tennis player (1988 Olympics Gold, Bronze)=20
1964 Dwight Gooden, pitcher (NY Mets)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 22:00:06 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Granny's dating advice

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breasts, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.  But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.

"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family... "

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Date:    Tue, 16 Nov 2004 20:45:00 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Faith Converter

A new software product, "Faith Converter" is available for the Mac. It is freeware. I am uncertain as to whether it available for Windows.

Here is what Version Tracker says about this program: Found an admirable tome but it's in praise of the wrong god? Faith Converter is a godsend for priests, vicars, rabbii and holy men of all descriptions.
Preach next Sunday's sermon from the Vedas, Noble Eightfold Path, Torah or Das Kapital! The premier theological plagiarism solution for OS X, Faith Converter converts text between twenty-seven different religions.

Here is an example of what it can do:

Original: Christianity: "Attend church at Christmas or else God will send you to Hell, with Satan, for not reading your Bible."

Results:

        Judiasm: "Attend synagogue at Rosh Ha-Shanah or else God will send you to Sheol, with Satan, for not studying your Torah."
        Buddism: "Attend temple at Buddha's birthday or else Enlightenment through dharma will send you to hell, with Mao, for not reading your Noble Eightfold Path."
        Islam: "Attend mosque at Ramadan or else Allah will send you to hell, with Satan, for not reciting your Koran."
        Hinduism: "Attend eternal shrine at Diwali or else Krishna will send you to reincarnation as a dung beetle, with bad grace, for not reading your Vedas."
        Taoism: "Attend Taoist shrine at celebration of Dao or else Tao, regulator of the natural processes and nourisher of balance in the Universe will send you to hell, with Communist Party suppression of traditional religion, for not reading your Tao-te-Ching."
        Scientology: "Attend Sea Organization at Rehabilitation Project Force or else Mothership will send you to Teegeeack, with Xenu, for not reading your Hubbard's ‘Basic Scientology Picturebook’."
        Communism: "Attend collective farm #897 at Leninmas or else Marx will send you to the poverty-striken capitalist democracies, with parasitic aristocrats, for not reading your Manifesto."
        Confucianism: "Attend provincial revenue office at primary religious holiday or else the ideal of Ren, the source of all virtue, will send you to hell, with Chou, for not reading your Lun Yu.
        Atheism: "Attend school at the voyage of HMS Beagle or else evolution will send you to the deep, thick, South, with Wilberforce, for not analysing your Origin of the Species."
        Druidism: "Attend grove at Bealteinne or else Rhiannon will send you to banishment, with Satan, for not orally transmitting your Myth cycle."
        Roman: "Attend temple at lupercalia or else Jupiter will send you to Avernus, with Lamia, for not reading your Sibylline Books."
        Shinto: "Attend Kami-dana at Niinamesai or else Kami will send you to Dark Land, with Matthew Calbraith Perry, for not affirming your Kojiki."
        Sikh: "Attend gurdwara at Katik Pooranmashi or else Formless Creator will send you to inferior reincarnation, with Mongol Emperor, for not reading your Shri Guru Granth."
        Falun Gong: "Attend Xulian site at Experience Transmission Conference or else Phah will send you to Dharma Ending Period, with Hu Jintao, for not cultivating your Zhuan Falun."
        Veganism: "Attend bloodless kitchen at anti-mulesing/pro-flystrike campaign or else Con the Fruiterer will send you to battery farm, with McDonalds, for not adhering to your Cookbook."
        Stalinism: "Attend factory committee at Great October Socialist Revolution Day or else NVKD will send you to gulag, with Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, for not reading your Pravda."
        Moaism: "Attend collective farm at Cultural Revolution or else Mao will send you to ugly, ugly Taiwan, with Chiang Kai-Shek, for not reading your Little Red Book."
        Neo-Trotskyism: "Attend cockroach infested shareflat at the S11 anti-globalisation protest or else Naomi Klein and her successful ‘No Logo’ brand will send you to fascist sexist racist heteronormative imperialist reductionist America, land of oppression inflicted on the proletariat by the greed of corporate tyranny, which is additionally Contrary to the Principles of Internationalism, with soap, for not reading your Green Left Weekly."
        Thatcherism: "Attend minimal State at British Airways privatisation or else Free markets and minds will send you to Welfare State, with The Soviet Union, for not reading your The Economist."
        Keynesianism: "Attend Bank of England at business cycle or else The Money Supply will send you to unemployment, with Deflation, for not reading your General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money."
        Biopsychosocialism: "Attend balanced flexible response seminar at lifestyle counselling or else NUM will send you to private practice, with surgical gents, for not conferencing your Engel's 1977 Science paper 'The Need for a New Medical Model: A Challenge for Biomedicine'."
        Juche: "Attend Flying Dong 2 missile parade square at Kim Il-Sungmas or else The Great Leader will send you to the puppet vassal, Seoul, with President Roh, for not reading your Juche Idea."
        Linex: "Attend command-line at new distribution release or else Linus Torvalds will send you to Windows, with GUI, for not downloading your man page."
        Macevangelism: "Attend Apple Store at MacWorld or else Steven Wozniak will send you to DOS or linuxDOS, with John Sculley, for not reading your inflated Price List."
        Mahanism: "Attend shipping route at piercing of the Isthmus of Panama or else Sea Power will send you to the dustbin of history, with decaying European Powers, for not reading your Influence of Sea Power upon History."
        NIMBYism: "Attend protest against new public housing estates at the local council meeting or else the Land and Environment Court will send you to an inclusive community, with Government or Industry, for not whining your local rag."

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