Digest for Sunday, November 14, 2004

There are 10 messages totalling 534 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Deaf Germans
  2. Sunday Afternoon Service at the Church Of Chuckles
  3. Hmmm; Makes you think, doesnt it!!
  4. November 14th - Habitat for Humanity Week
  5. Homework Policy 2004
  6. Dear Diary
  7. Hotels.....
  8. Prayer...
  9. Towns With Odd Names
  10. Birth


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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 00:31:54 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Deaf Germans

A young deaf American was taking a vacation overseas. He got an Eurail pass and toured Holland, France, Belgium, and a bunch of other places before ending up in Germany. At his first village, he went into a pub and there, off in the corner, were three older German men who were signing. They appeared to be deaf. The young man watched and figured he could understand the signs enough to carry on a conversation.

He got a beer and asked if they would allow him to join them, and they did. They chatted about this and that, and soon conversation gave way to how each of them became deaf. The first older German said, "Well, I was a soldier in WWII, and my platoon was hit by a big American mortar, and it exploded near my head, and I lost all my hearing." The American boy was kind of saddened by this. The second German went on:" I was in an UBoat and my job was to listen for enemy ships. An American destroyer dropped a depth bomb on my ship, and it went off very close to it, and I lost my hearing as a result." Oh no, thinks the young American. How awful.
The third German held forth: "I was in a plane, and we were struck by a bomb, and it went off right next to me, and it blew out my ears, and that is how I lost my hearing."

Well, that was just awful, the young American thinks. My country, while at war with Germany, was indirectly responsible for these chaps going deaf. Still, he was sad about this. At least until they asked him how he became deaf. Smiling, he signed, "Well, before I was born, my mom got German measles...."

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 06:31:47 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday Afternoon Service at the Church Of Chuckles

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISMAL SERVICE


10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River"
instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?".

5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"

4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU'RE
AT A BAD BAPTISMAL SERVICE:

1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 06:21:32 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Hmmm; Makes you think, doesn't it!!

  A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

  Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 05:35:18 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 14th - Habitat for Humanity Week

Today is the 319th day of the year, with only 47 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 14th - Habitat for Humanity Week The week before Thanksgiving Day promotes the work of Habitat for = Humanity, which works to build homes for the homeless and poor.
=20
RETIREMENT FROM A CHILD'S POINT OF VIEW
One year after Spring Break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they = spent their holidays. One small child wrote the following:
=20
We always used to spend holidays with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to = live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they = live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. = They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all have name tags because they don't = know who they are.
They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but they must have got = it fixed, because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they = don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there, but they stand in it with their = hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
=20
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man in = it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak = out, they go to the beach and pick up shells.
=20
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. = Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night: early birds. Some of = the people don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the = wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
=20
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardedment. = I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't = let them out!
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -=20
1921 Brian Keith, actor (Bill-Family Affair, Loneliest Runner)=20
1929 McLean Stevenson, actor (M*A*S*H, Hello Larry)=20
1948 Robert Ginty, actor (Paper Chase, White Fire)=20 =20 ARTISTIC -=20 1840 Claude Monet, impressionist (Water Lilies)=20 1900 Aaron Copland, composer (Billy the Kid, Appalachian Spring)=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1765 Robert Fulton, built 1st commercial steamboat (or 0819)=20
1842 Walter Williams, claimed to be last survivor of Civil War (d 1959)=20
1896 Mamie Doud Eisenhower, 1st lady=20
1909 Joseph R McCarthy, (Sen-R-WI), anti-communist lunatic=20
1948 Prince Charles Britain, Prince of Wales=20 =20 MUSIC -=20 1940 Freddie Garrity, rocker (Freddie & the Dreamers-I'm Telling You = Now)=20
1956 Alec John Such, rocker (Bon Jovi-You Give Love a Bad Name)=20 =20 SCIENCE -=20
1776 Henri Dutrochet, discovered and named process of osmosis=20
1797 Sir Charles Lyell, geologist (Principles of Geology)=20 1930 Edward H White II, Lt Col USAF/astronaut (Gemini 4)=20
1933 Fred W Haise Jr, astronaut (Apollo 13 STS T-1, T-3, T-5)=20
1956 Kenneth D Bowersox, Lt Cmdr USN/astronaut (sk: STS-50)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1955 Jack Sikma, NBA center (Seattle Supersonics, Milwaukee Bucks)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 09:46:56 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Homework Policy 2004

Your Student son or daughter should have already brought this home, but just in case they didn't, here is an explanation of the school homework policy for 2004.

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

-  15 minutes looking for assignment.

-  11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

-  23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does
    not like children.

-  8 minutes in the bathroom.

-  10 minutes getting a snack.

-  7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

-  6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the
    assignment.

- 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad
    to do the assignment.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 17:55:40 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Dear Diary

(Excerpted from Pauly's secret journal)


Dear Diary,

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. My friend Maury remarked, "I thought she wanted one of those Italian sports cars."

"She did," I replied. "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Ferrari?"

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 12:06:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hotels.....

The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests.  The hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column....
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Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.

Thank you, S.  Berman
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Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave
3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid, I hope you are my regular maid.  Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.  Please remove them.

S.  Berman
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Dear Mr.  Berman, My day off was last Wed.  so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty
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Dear Mr.  Berman, The assistant manager, Mr.  Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.  Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM.  That's the reason I called Mr.  Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.  I only asked Mr.  Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?

S.  Berman
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Dear Mr.  Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mr.  Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S.  Berman
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Dear Mr.  Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L.  Kensedder Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs.  Carmen, Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.  I want my one bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.  Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S.  Berman
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Dear Mr.  Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.  Then you complained to Mr.  Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.  I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs.  Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.  As of today I possess:

On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.  One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S.  Berman

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 12:43:23 -0500
From:    Marianne <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Prayer...<May be offensive to Christians>

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 08:05:34 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Towns With Odd Names

Towns With Odd Names

Long Dong (Guangxi, China)
Mount Titlis (Switzerland)
Blowhard (Australia)
Sexbierum (Netherlands)
Reamstown (Pennsylvania, USA)
Pecker's Point (Newfoundland, Canada)
Pickles Gap (Arkansas)
Nether Wallop (England)
Petting (Germany)
Mount Mee (Australia)
Titting (Germany)
Titty Ho (England)
Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA)
Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA)
Fugit (Kentucky, USA)
Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA)
Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England)
Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland)
Sally's Gap (Ireland)
Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA)
Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA)
Black Butte (Oregon, USA)
Sandy Balls (England)
Tilicum (Washington, USA)
Cockburn (Australia)
Bangor (Wales)
Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA)
Ballville (Ohio, USA)
Prickwillow (England)
Black Charlie's Opening (Australia)
Kinmount (Ontario, Canada)
Euren (Wisconsin, USA)
Cockland (Ohio, USA)
Spuzzum (Canada)
Bloody Dick (Montana, USA)
Shafter (California, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Mt. Buggery (Australia)
Handcock Town (North Carolina, USA)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Sackville (Canada)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Muff (County Donegal, Ireland)
Piapot (Canada)
Licking Valley (Ohio, USA)
Gobblers Knob (Kentucky, USA)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Eyebrow (Canada)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Fukum (Yemen)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Turdo (Romania) Dongo (Congo, Democratic Republic) Seymen (Turkey) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK) Wanks River (Nicaragua) Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe) Chinaman's Knob (Australia) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia) Tittybong (Australia) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Skookumchuk (Canada) Dikshit (India) Wankener (India) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Elephant Butte (New Mexico, USA) Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump (Canada) Maggie's Nipples (Wyoming, USA) Bone's Knob (Queensland, Australia) Fingeringhoe (Essex, UK) Titz (Germany) Needmore (Texas, USA) Fruitport (Michigan, USA) Zip Down (Pennsylvania, USA) Mount Holly (New Jersey, USA) Hookersville (West Virginia, USA) Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK) Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK) Likwang (China) Climax Springs (Missouri, USA) Butt's Corner (New York, USA) Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)

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Date:    Sun, 14 Nov 2004 17:52:59 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Birth

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  When Maria found out she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.  One day she took her four-year-old, Dave, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
  "Yes!" Dave said, "and I know what we're going to name it too.  If it's a girl we're calling her Anna.
And if it's another boy we're going to call it quits."

--
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Find what you are looking for with the Lycos Yellow Pages http://r.lycos.com/r/yp_emailfooter/http://yellowpages.lycos.com/default.asp?SRC=lycos10

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