Digest for Thursday, November 11, 2004

There are 10 messages totalling 498 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. November 10th - Marine Corps Birthday
  2. A Snappy Salute....
  3. Worms
  4. His Penis Died
  5. He Fainted!
  6. SURVEY
  7. A Couple of WWI stories
  8. Read Books, Get Brain
  9. Redneck Vasectomy
  10. November 11th - Veterans Day


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Date:    Wed, 10 Nov 2004 23:32:29 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 10th - Marine Corps Birthday

Today is the 315th day of the year, with only 51 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 10th - Marine Corps Birthday
The forerunner of the Marine Corps was established on November 10, 1775, = by the Continental Congress.
=20
COMMUNICATION
This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of = his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off = suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.
=20
"WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered.
=20
In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill = Sergeant Sir, 'if that mother thinks I'm going to stand here and take his shit ... well, = he's certainly an uncanny judge of character!' "
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
1889 Claude Rains, actor (Invisible Man, Casablanca)=20
1925 Richard Burton, actor (Cleopatra, Virginia Woolf)=20
1935 Roy Scheider, actor (All That Jazz, Jaws)=20 1950 Jack Scalia, actor (Berrengers, Hollywood Beat)=20
1956 Sinbad, comedian/actor (Different World, At the Apollo)=20
1959 MacKenzie Phillips, actress (Julie-1 Day at a Time)=20 =20 ARTISTIC -=20
1879 Vachel Lindsay, poet (Johnny Appleseed)=20 1880 Sir Jacob Epstein, sculptor (Adam, Jacob & the Angel)=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1844 Sir John SD Thompson (C), 4th PM of Canada (1892-94)=20
1882 Frances Perkins, 1st woman Cabinet member (Secretary of Labor = 1933-45)=20
1895 John Knudsen Northrop, aircraft designer (Northrop Air)=20 =20 MUSIC -=20
1944 Dave Loggins, singer (Please come to Boston)=20
1945 Donna Fargo, country singer (Happiest Girl in Whole USA)=20
1948 Greg Lake, rock guitarist (Emerson, Lake & Palmer-Tarkus)=20 =20 SCIENCE -=20
1935 Ronald E Evans, Captain USN/astronaut (Apollo 17)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1955 Jack Clark, all star outfielder (Giants, Cards, Yanks, Padres)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 06:58:12 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: A Snappy Salute....

...... to all military veterans out there, on U.S. Veteran's Day.

"In 1918, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day in the eleventh month, the world rejoiced and celebrated. After four years of bitter war, an armistice was signed. The 'War To End All Wars' was over."

--------------

A young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in the South Pacific. One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients.

He radioed a base hospital: "Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?"

A prankster must have gotten hold of the message. This was the reply: "Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything."

--------------

NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defense Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to Place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts, or the Second Foot and Mouth.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey
   1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury is currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge Too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,
Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.

A Bush/Blair Production
Sponsored by:
Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds: The Official Snacks of WWIII

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 06:49:20 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was  put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the  Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in sperm - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly  raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex,  you won't have worms?"

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 15:47:23 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: His Penis Died <adultish>

An old man, Mr. Jones, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Beverly asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Beverly," said Mr. Jones, "My penis died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Jones, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Jones was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Beverly.

"Mr. Jones," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas!"

"But, Nurse B," replied Mr. Jones, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
asked Nurse Beverly.

"Well," he replied.... "Today's the viewing."

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 09:25:06 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: He Fainted!

When the paramedics and police responded to a 911 call, they helped a man regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 06:36:04 -0800
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: SURVEY

My mom and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us, "I'm taking a survey." he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"

I'm not sure," Replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."


[from  Reader's  Digest]

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 10:54:23 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Couple of WWI stories

Historical/linguistic aside:  you've all probably run into some discussion of when "The Great War" (1914 - 1918) was renamed World War I.  It might suprise you to know how early this happened.  I recently poked around in the Oxford English Dictionary to ask the question and discovered that the term World War II was used as early as 1918.  By the fall of 1939 --with the German invasion of Poland-- WWII and WWI were both in use.

At the time the U.S. entered WWI, and George M. Cohan send the word "Over There," the original combatants were quite pessimistic about ending
the slaughter.  Then along came the bubbily Yanks.          jhm

++++

Two Irish boys from Chicago were going into battle for the first time, and the Captain promised one dollar for every one of the enemy they killed.
Pat lay down to rest while Mike watched.  Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mike shouldint: "They're coming!"

"Who's comin'?" said Pat.

"The emeny," replied Mike.

"How many are there?" shouted Pat.

"About 50,000," said Mike.

"Begorra," cried Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's
made."   (see source below)
===========================
        In the early 20th Century we Americans were no better at geography than we are now.  Great battles raged near the Belgian town
of Ypre three times during the course of the war.        jhm

++++

Queen Mary, visiting wounded men in an English hospital, saw and American boy.
"And where did you get your wound?" she asked him kindly.
"Wipers," he said.
"Eep!" she corrected.
"Wipers."
"Eep!
"Wipers."
"Eep!
Then the Yank said, "You ought to take something for those hiccoughs.

Source: Cerf, Bennett A. "The Pocket book of War Humor." New York: Pocket Books, Inc., 1943.

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 09:44:44 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Read Books, Get Brain

 New York officials were red-faced on Friday after they discovered that clothing ads on city buses that appeared to promote reading suggested a love of books could be rewarded with oral sex.
  The advertisements that ran on about 200 buses across the city in recent months carried posters displaying a suggestively posed woman in hot pants kneeling among a pile of books beside the snappy slogan "Read Books, Get Brain."
  What unhip, unsuspecting local transportation officials did not know was that "get brain" is street slang for oral sex.
  The ads -- from hip-hop clothing maker Akademiks, which intended the double-entendre -- was stripped off New York buses on Friday after transportation officials discovered the street slang meaning.
  Metropolitan Transit Authority spokesman Tom Kelly condemned the "vulgar street phrases" in the racy ads he said were "demeaning women."
  "To me and I believe to everyone else, while it was done by a clothing line, it would give the impression that it was also promoting reading and literacy," Kelly told Reuters.
  "It's easy enough to understand how that would get by based upon someone not knowing the expression."
  A spokesman for the New York-based clothing maker noted the ad campaign had run since September and "we hadn't had any complaints at all."
 New York officials may not be the only ones caught out.
Akademiks also placed the ads on buses and bus shelters in Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, Detroit, San Francisco and Philadelphia, the company spokesman said.
 Kelly, who said he was his 60s, said that after he was tipped to the hidden meaning of the phrase on Thursday he ran a test among some young MTA workers.
 "I went downstairs to the mailroom and showed some of the young guys a copy of the ad," he said. "I was watching their faces and they all start smirking.
  "Apparently it's on all the music, in music that's how they refer to it," Kelly said. "I didn't know anything about it and I'm sure the people that approved the ad didn't."
 Kelly said it was sad that "you can't take things at face value any longer," adding, "We'll have to learn from experience before we accept ads."

+Source: Reuters, Larry Fine, Nov. 5, 2004+

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 09:01:15 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Redneck Vasectomy

 Redneck Vasectomy After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.  So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.  "A less costly alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don' t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Georgia, Arkansas,Louisiana, Mississippi, West Virginia and Virginia

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Date:    Thu, 11 Nov 2004 21:56:13 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 11th - Veteran's Day

Today is the 316th day of the year, with only 50 days remaining in 2004.

November 11th - Veteran's Day
Also known as Armistice Day, Victory Day, Remembrance Day (in Canada and Great Britain), Waffenstillstand Day, or World War I Memorial Day. This day honors soldiers of all wars.
It commemorates the day the Armistice was signed ending World War I in 1918.

BRAGGING
Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13,"
one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three. "But, if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much ... but he would be 165 years old."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -
1909 Robert Ryan, actor (Billy Budd, Dirty Dozen, Longest Day)
1918 Stubby Kaye, actor (Guys & Dolls, Lil' Abner, Cat Ballou)
1925 Jonathan Winters, comedian (J Winters Show, Mork & Mindy)
1962 Demi Moore [Guynes], actress (7th Sign, Blame it on Rio)
1974 Leonardo DiCaprio, actor (Titanic, Luke-Growing Pains)

ARTISTIC -
1901 Sam Spiegel, producer (On the Waterfront, Bridge over River Kwai)
1922 Kurt Vonnegut Jr, author (Slaughterhouse Five, Sirens of Titan)

HISTORIC -
1885 George S Patton general "Old Blood and Guts"
1896 Charles "Lucky" Luciano, NYC Mafia gangster
1904 Alger Hiss, State Department official and spy
1911 King Hussein of Jordan.

MUSIC -
1944 Jesse Colin Young, rocker (The Youngbloods-Soul of a City Boy)

SCIENCE -
1771 Ephraim McDowell, surgeon (pioneered abdominal surgery)

SPORTS -
1954 Gail Marquis, WBL forward (NY Stars, Olympic-silver-1976)
1963 Vinnie Testaverde, NFL quarterback (Tampa Bay Buckineers)


Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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