Digest for Tuesday, November 09, 2004

There are 8 messages totalling 254 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Perfectly Normal
  2. Wisdom
  3. No Problem
  4. Efficiency
  5. Condom
  6. Reflections of Roy Blount Jr
  7. November 9th - Baseball Is a Sport Not a Business Day
  8. Got a dollar?


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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 05:12:26 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Perfectly Normal

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the old perfesser.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the old perfesser said.
"Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

_________________________________________________________________
On the road to retirement? Check out MSN Life Events for advice on how to get there! http://lifeevents.msn.com/category.aspx?cid=Retirement

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 06:15:45 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Wisdom

WORDS OF WISDOM

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 08:20:57 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: No Problem

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One  is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous, dark-skinned, brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl  and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.


The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[Thanks to Steve Kilbride]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 15:50:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Efficiency

Pauly and Maury are chatting. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," says Pauly. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Honey,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" Asks Maury.

"Actually, yes." Replies Pauly. "It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 09:19:11 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Condom <adult>

A young amarous couple were about to do the wild thing.  They had a box of a dozen condoms.

They proceeded to do the wild thing, just once.  When she returned, only to discover that there were only six condems remaing in the box of 12, she asked him "what happened to the other five condoms?"

His reply was "Honey, I masturbated with them."

She then went to her male confidant friend and told him told him the story, and asked him if he had ever done this.

"Yeah, once or twice" he told her.

"You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" she said.

"Oh" he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to my girlfriend."

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 15:48:14 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Reflections of Roy Blount Jr

Roy Blount Jr. seeks his place in the "post 11/2" world.

        *President Bush DOES have a plan to take care of the Social Security problem.  It's called influenza."

        * I have kind of an afinity for Bushites because they are like cats.  Cats interpret everything in terms of cats' needs.

        * But, cats don't have a nervous chuckle.

        * An aspect of government that the Bush Administration has pushed to new heights is denial.  The Reagan Administration invented plausible denial and Bush has just dropped the plausible.

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 21:36:23 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: November 9th - Baseball Is a Sport Not a Business Day

Today is the 314th day of the year, with only 52 days remaining in 2004.
=20
November 9th - Baseball Is a Sport Not a Business Day In 1953, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that professional baseball is a = sport not a business and, hence, is not subject to antitrust laws.
=20
CAN THEY COME UP?
Just before the start of the baseball game, the secretary received a = message in his office from the turnstiles. 'There's an umpire down here with two friends. He = wants to know if they can come in.'
=20
"No," replied the secretary. "The man's obviously lying."
=20
"How do you make that out?"
=20
"Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends."
=20
=3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =3D =20
BIRTHDAYS:
ACTING -=20
1886 Ed Wynn, comedian (Ed Wynn Show)=20
1913 Hedy Lamarr, actress (Ecstasy, Samson & Delilah)=20
1951 Lou Ferrigno, body builder/actor (Incredible Hulk)=20 =20 ARTISTIC -=20
1802 Elijah P Lovejoy, American newspaper publisher/abolitionist=20 =20 HISTORIC -=20
1915 Sargent Shriver, Dem VP candidate (1972)/directed Peace Corp=20
1918 Spiro Theodore Agnew, (R) 39th VP (1973-77) =20 MUSIC -=20
1932 Carl Perkins, singer (Blue Suede Shoes)=20
1936 Mary Travers, folk singer (Peter Paul & Mary)=20
1969 Pepa, rocker (Salt 'n' Pepa-Shake Ya Thang)=20 =20 SCIENCE -=20 1850 Lewis Lewin, toxicologist/father of psychopharmacology=20
1903 Gregory Pincus, inventor (birth control pill)=20
1934 Carl Sagan, astronomer/author/professor (Cosmos, Broca's Brain)=20 =20 SPORTS -=20
1918 Florence Chadwick, swimmer (Swimming Hall of Fame)=20
1931 Whitey Herzog, baseball manager (St Louis Cardinals)=20
1935 Bob Gibson, Cardinal pitcher (Cy Young/NL MVP 1968)=20 =20

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Jest-A-Day Journal
http://jestaday.com

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Date:    Tue, 9 Nov 2004 19:01:53 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@LYCOS.COM>
Subject: Got a dollar?

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I had just gotten off the subway when a ragged-looking street person walking up to me and asked, "Excuse me.
Do you have a dollar?"
  Ordinarily I'm a soft touch, but I hadn't been able to get to an ATM that day and my purse was practically empty.
"I'm sorry.  I don't," I apologized.
  "Here you go," he said, handing me a single.  "Good luck."

--
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