Digest for Monday, April 26, 2004

There are 7 messages totalling 450 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama
  2. Tourists in Jamaica [Kinda adultish]
  3. Let Me Tell You A Story.....
  4. History Revisited.....
  5. What To Do?
  6. TODAYS DATE: April 26th, 2004 - National Bird Day
  7. Q and A


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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 01:40:33 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama

    A mother was out shopping with her three little girls and baby.
    She was using one of the in-store scooters provided by stores
    for PWDs [People With Disabilities.]  I then noticed she had
    on a leg brace and a wrist protector. Her patience was wearing
    thin as all the girls called "Mama! Mama! I want to ride on the
    three wheeler!" while she tried to shop.  Finally, she said, "I
    don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."

    Only several seconds went by, when one girl touched her mom's
    arm and said, "Excuse me, Miss."

____________________________________________________
[from Crip Humor ~ By and For the Severely Euphemized]

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 02:57:47 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Tourists in Jamaica [Kinda adultish]

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.  They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small
sandal shop.  From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners!  Come in.  Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.  The Jamaican said to them, "I have some
special sandals I think you would be interested in.  Dey make you wild at
sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming;

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 04:49:21 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Let Me Tell You A Story.....

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BURGLE BUSH, PROVIDE AN ITINERARY
              by Linwood Barclay

So let's say George W. Bush didn't live in the White House, but in
a regular house, in a neighbourhood not unlike yours, and let's say
he wasn't the President of the United States, but just a regular guy,
doing a job not unlike yours.

And he's worried about home security. He brings in an expert to
advise him.

"We've installed security systems for a lot of houses in the neighbour-
hood," says the security guy, standing in the driveway with George.

"Uh huh," says George.

"There's plenty of burglaries in this neighbourhood," says the
security guy. "Quite a few of your neighbours have been hit."

"Uh huh," says George.

"So I'd recommend a complete home security system to discourage
these burglaries," the security guy says.

"Uh huh," says George.

"Alarms, bars on the basement windows, deadbolts, a link to our
central system so we can send the police as soon as anyone enters
the house," says the security guy.

"Let me ask you this," says George.

"Okay."

"Do you know when the burglars are coming?"

"Uh, no."

"Do you know how they're going to break in? Like, will they kick
in the door, or use a pick, or smash a window?"

"Uh, no."

"Will it be one guy or a team?"

"I can't say."

George shakes his head. "Well, that's pretty darn vague, isn't it?
You don't know when the burglars are coming, which way they'll
come in, how many there will be, anything."

"Uh, well," says the security guy, "I do have a report here titled
'Burglars Really Want To Break Into George Bush's House'."

George glances dismissively at the report. "Looks sort of historical
in nature. With information this vague, you can't really expect me
to do anything with it, can you?"

"Well, you could at least put on the deadbolts, maybe a motion
detector spotlight outside, just some basic precautions ..."

"Okay, let me ask you another question," says George. "What
about that guy, with the moustache and the hat, down at the
end of the block, on that nice corner lot, next to the Sunoco
station? I think he's a risk. He's crazy."

"He's kind of far away," the security guy says.

"I know he wants to break into my house. I can feel it. He's
a menace. He's gotta be stopped. Also, he's easy to find and
I know where he is."

"Have you seen him trying to break into your house?" the
security guy asks.

"Uh, no," says George.

"Do you know when he's going to break into your house, or
how he's going to do it?" asks the security guy.

"No, not yet," says George.

"Has he said he's going to break into your house?" asks the
security guy.

"Well, he's not about to tip his hand," says George.

"Sounds a bit vague," says the security guy.

"What I think we should do," says George, "is get together a
coalition of neighbours and go into that guy's house and kick
his butt. That's what I think. Get him before he gets us.
Because the clock is ticking, let me tell you."

The security guy looks a bit puzzled. "Okay, but what about
this whole home security thing? What do you want to do
about that?"

"Why don't you leave me a pamphlet, I'll have a look at it later.
If it's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you have
to set your priorities."

So the security guy wanders back into his truck, and George
heads back into his house, figuring he should call his buddies
Dick and John and Condi and Donald and decide what do about
this madman on the corner next to the gas station.

And as George wanders through his house, he notices the
back door has been kicked open.

"Hey," says George, "where's my mechanical bull at?"

                    The Toronto Star

_________________________________________________________________
Lose those love handles! MSN Fitness shows you two moves to slim your waist.
http://fitness.msn.com/articles/feeds/article.aspx?dept=exercise&article=et_pv_030104_lovehandles

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 05:30:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: History Revisited.....

Answers to history tests and in Sunday school quizzes given by
children between 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over
a period of three years by two teachers.

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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died
before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He
was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It
sounds like he was sort of busy too.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.

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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.

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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.

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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

------------------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French
still have problems.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.

------------------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

------------------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if
it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours
but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get
to find radios because they were already taken.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 08:35:59 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: What To Do?

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found
a bondage S+M magazine. This was very upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to
him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank
him."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 05:56:59 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 26th, 2004 - National Bird Day

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  National Bird Day
On the birthday of John James Audubon (1785), an American famous for his
paintings of birds, we honor all birds and ornithologists. Born on April 26,
1785, in Santo Domingo, Audubon completed his greatest work, "The Birds of
America", in 1838.

JOKE:  OWL LOVERS
Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England,
hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Rowe
even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as Rowe thought he was on the
verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat
with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe.

"That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John."

Then it dawned on them.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Carol Burnett (1933); Giancarlo Esposito (1958); Kevin James
(1965); Jet Li (1963).
Artistic - John James Audubon, American naturalist and painter (1785); Anita
Loos, author (1893); Beernard Malamud, novelist (1914); Frederick Law
Olmstead, landscape architect (1822); I.M. Pei, Chinese-American architect
(1917).
Historic - Rudolf Hess, German leader (1894).
Music - Duane Eddy, pop guitarist (1938); Jimmy Hall of Wet Willie (1949);
Pete Ham of Badfinger (1947); Bobby Rydell, pop singer (1942); Roger Taylor
of Duran Duran (1960); Tionne Watkins of TLC (1970); Maurice Williams of
Zodiacs (1938); Gary Wright (1943).
Scientific - John James Audubon, American naturalist (1785); Charles
Richter, inventor of Richter Scale for measuring earthquakes (1900).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Mon, 26 Apr 2004 06:51:52 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Q and A

Q. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? A: A
genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the
      family bush.
Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69?
A: Odor eaters!
Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches. A peeping Tom watches snatches.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde-she's eighteen.
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the door.
Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.
Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your
   house and car with them.
Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
A: Slow
Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ?
A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off.
Q: What do you call it when a women talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his
   nose.

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