Digest for Sunday, April 25, 2004

There are 8 messages totalling 329 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Sunday Sermon at the Church Of Chuckles
  2. A Q. and A.
  3. TODAYS DATE: April 25th, 2004 - Professional Secretaries Week
  4. The Patriot Act
  5. "Oh....Tell Me You Didnt Say That!"
  6. Heres to bartenders
  7. POLITICALLY CORRECT
  8. Classical


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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 05:54:55 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday Sermon at the Church Of Chuckles

A Christian evolutionist has no problem with Genesis:

              God created the Earth and
              all that's in it in seven days.

But that's God's time.... not Eastern Standard.

_________________________________________________________________
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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 06:15:34 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Q. and A.

Q.  What do blondes and cow pies have in common?

A. The older they are, the easier it is to pick them up.

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 05:51:50 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 25th, 2004 - Professional Secretaries Week <Slightly Adultish>

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  Professional Secretaries Week
Thank secretaries for their contributions to all businesses during the last
full week in April. Web: www.iaap-hq.org.

JOKE:  BREAK TIME ACTIVITIES
It is afternoon in a crowded cafeteria. A woman of a certain age who is
sitting at the counter is obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the
sweet young thing beside her.

Finally the older woman can take it no longer. She turns to the younger
woman and bellows, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke
cigarettes!"

"So would I," the sweet young thing says, "but you know, there just isn't
enough time during a coffee break."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Hank Azaria (1964); Al Pacino (1940); Talia Shire (1946); Renee
Zellweger (1969).
Historic - Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (1599); Edward R
Morrow, American newscaster (1908).
Music - Stu Cook of Creedence Clearwater Revival (1945); Ella Fitzgerald,
jazz singer (1918); Peter Tchaikovsky, composer (1840); Bjorn Ulvaeus of
ABBA (1945).
Sports - Meadowlark Lemon, basketball (1932).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 08:01:34 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: The Patriot Act

I was wondering, do President Bush and his staff have to go
to the Passport Office and get a passport issued to them for
any travel outside of America? When we do, we must first
take the loyalty oath. The passport clerk has you raise your
right hand and answer this question, "Do you swear to defend
the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies,
domestic or foreign?"

Can the President, and his staff who developed The Patriot
Act, that has taken away many of Americans constitutional
rights, and those who voted for it, have their visas revoked?
Can they be arrested for treason?

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 10:44:30 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: "Oh....Tell Me You Didn't Say That!"

These are classic! I could easily see myself making a few of these
blunders! Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back or
that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
===================================================================

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word.....he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TXS
____________________________________________________

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentleman
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
____________________________________________________

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just  looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
____________________________________________________

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing that I  heard when the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter.

Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia
____________________________________________________

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody
at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax"
for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov
____________________________________________________

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just
KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30
people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

_____________________________________________________

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
This is a true story.

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too. They were laughing so hard!

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 18:17:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Here's to bartenders

The scene takes place in a bar.

A lady stood up and said that it was time to get ready for the
celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be
standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The poor bartender was almost
crushed to death.

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 12:27:59 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: POLITICALLY CORRECT<adult>

POLITICALLY CORRECT


  *She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

  *She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

  *She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

  *She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

  *She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

  *She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

  *She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

  *She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

  *She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

  *She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

  *She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

  *She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

  *She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


  HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

  *He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
  FACILITY.

  *He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

  *He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
  DESTINATIONS.

  *He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

  *He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
  RELATIONSHIPS.

  *He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
  HORIZONTAL.

  *He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

  *He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

  *He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
  INVERSION.

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Date:    Sun, 25 Apr 2004 19:48:29 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Classical

Frans Joseph Haydn (1732 - 1809) was a renowned and prolific
composer, famous for his many symphonies. He was born in Austria.
He is credited with establishing the string quartet and perfecting
the classical symphony.

His worldly experience and his esoteric and eclectic tastes are
not common knowledge today; in fact, he was an experimenter with
music much in the way Edgard Varese, Steve Reich, Paul Simon and
Gabriel Byrne are regarded in the modern era: "pushing the
envelope" and blending some "world music" into the mainstream.
Haydn's success at merging the musical moods and motifs of the
different continents prompted Mozart to say of him, "There is no
one who can do it all - to joke and to terrify, to evoke laughter
and profound sentiment - and all equally well, except Joseph
Haydn."

Haydn's interests took him to other parts of the world, considered
quite risky during that period. He traveled to the New World and
to the Asian Sub-Continent, always taking time to listen to the
music characteristic of those regions.

His students learned a great deal from him, but as is often the
case in such learning experiences, some of his pupils went off in
their own new directions rather than following on in their
teacher's footsteps. Two such pupils were the young fellow
Austrian, Frederic der Wiesel, and the Frenchman Papgeau. These
two troublemakers were to cause Franz such consternation that he
was to shred his ground breaking new symphony to bits moments after
its first performance and forever abandon the thought of composing
anything other than "conventional" classical music again.

Musicologists continue to search for remains of the manuscript, but
only a few scribblings in his journal regarding the melodies he
notated during an expedition to India are all that remain of the
composition.

The Haydn Sikh Symphony was only performed once, at the same venue
as the premiere of the new composition of his pupils (and the
source of Haydn's outrage), the comic Papgeau - der Wiesel Suite.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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