Digest for Saturday, April 24, 2004

There are 9 messages totalling 394 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Christians and light bulbs
  2. Change of Religion
  3. I Cannot Go To School Today
  4. Tupperware
  5. TODAYS DATE: April 24th, 2004 - U.S. Newspaper Day
  6. Chocolate.....
  7. Grammar Tribes
  8. Age
  9. lessons


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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 05:22:20 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Christians and light bulbs

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic:  Only 1
Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal:  10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians:  None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and
decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and  one to talk about how
much better he old one was.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:  ?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a
light bulb.  However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs
work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent,
3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be
a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.  Church-wide lighting service is
planned for Sunday.  Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene:  6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans:  None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 13:38:48 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Change of Religion <may be off. to the religious>

Pauly went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having
trouble reading the newspaper. "Now that you're over 50," the doctor
told him, "you've developed a condition called 'presbyopia,' in which
your eyes can no longer focus as well as it used to."

Seeing Pauly's worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat.
"Congratulations!" he said."You're now officially a Presbyope!"

Pauly looked at him and asked seriously, "If that means I'm no longer a
Roman Catholic, I don't have to go to Confession any more?"

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 07:51:07 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: I Cannot Go To School Today

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann Mckay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet,my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox

And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My' pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is - What?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
--  Author Unknown

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 07:49:25 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Tupperware

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed
that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I
told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation
satisfied him for only a moment.

Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a
simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well,
Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies
sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." Brian
nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter.

"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"


-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United
States" by Kenneth W. Holmes

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 05:55:21 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 24th, 2004 - U.S. Newspaper Day

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  U.S. Newspaper Day
The Boston News-letter published its first issue as a U.S. newspaper, the
first successful newspaper in the U.S. A week later, it published the first
ad in an American newspaper.

JOKE:  THE END OF THE WORLD
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:  WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:  DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:  O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:  GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:  APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog:  OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:   GAME OVER

Wired:  THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:  THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:  BYE

Discover Magazine:   HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:  DEATH AND DAMNATION:  NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal:  LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON"  DIET!

America Online:  SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.  TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:  TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site:  IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:  ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Eric Bogosian (1953); Leslie Howard (1893); Jill Ireland (1936);
Shirley MacLaine (1934); Michael O'Keefe (1955); Barbra Streisand (1942).
Artistic - Willem DeKooning, Dutch artist (1904); Sue Grafton, American
mystery writer (1940); Robert Bailey Thomas, American founder of the
"Farmer's Almanac" (1766); Anthony Trollope, English novelist (1815); Robert
Penn Warren, U.S. Poet Laureate (1905).
Historic - Richard M. Daley, Chicago mayor (1943); Arthur Wellesley, Duke of
Wellington and English General (1769).
Music - Doug "Cosmo" Clifford of Creedence Clearwater Revival (1945); Glen
Cornick of Jethro Tull (1954); Billy Gould of Faith No More (1958); Bernard
Henderson of Hues Corporation (1944); H. Ann Kelly of Hues Corporation
(1947); Richard Sterban of Oak Ridge Boys (1943); Boris Williams of Cure
(1958).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 08:58:35 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Chocolate.....

Chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar
BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in
a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge
off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that
a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look
younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You
can't let that happen, can you?

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 09:12:42 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Grammar Tribes

OMGodlings!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone has experienced an instant message or email from this far-
reaching tribe at one point. Poorly-educated and over-stimulated,
they seek to gain your undying attention through the overuse of
punctuation. To them, the exclamation point is not merely a means
of stressing urgency on an important sentence; it is a means of
gaining acceptance in their tribe. Life is a constant hardship for
these people and their saga is retold endlessly in dramatic emails
they CC to everyone in their address book.

Sample meaningful dialog:
Dude!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNEW just KNEW this was gonna HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------

LOLligaggers
A tribe that seems numbered almost exclusively by youthful citizens.
Riddled by Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), these spastic children
have managed to form a pidgin English made up almost exclusively
from acronyms and consonants. A religious lot, they begin sentences
with a praise to ROTFLMAO, their mighty tribal chief.

Sample meaningful dialog:
ROTFLMAO!! ur 2 qt. bbl-ggp. ;^p

-----------------

Inquisitors
The Inquisitors are a thankfully uncommon species. The world
is one big puzzle to these naive children. They are painfully shy
and afraid of offending others. They believe that ending each
sentence with a question mark will make their messages gentle
and polite. They aren’t. They’re just as annoying as an openly
rude email, albeit disguised in a squishy passive-aggressive husk.

Sample meaningful dialog:
So remember when we had that meeting? And we were talking
about budget cuts? And I was given the job of firing people?
And I was pretty sure your job was on the line? And it turns
out I was right? And I have to fire you? And your last day is
today? So I need you to clean out your desk? Is that OK?


                    davezilla.com

_________________________________________________________________
MSN Toolbar provides one-click access to Hotmail from any Web page – FREE
download! http://toolbar.msn.com/go/onm00200413ave/direct/01/

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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 06:45:31 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Age

"I'm not THAT old...."

Everyone has been guilty of looking at others our own age and hinking...surely
I cannot look that old...

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist,
I noticed his certificate which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered
that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been  in my high school class
some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was to old
to have been my classmate.  After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he
had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1960."

Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"





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Date:    Sat, 24 Apr 2004 08:02:41 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: lessons

I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger
exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the
lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that
I was going into the wrong building... The Music school was right next
door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy, can I
finger!

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