Digest for Thursday, April 22, 2004

There are 9 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Isnt This A Great Country?
  2. EXERCISE.....
  3. Funnies
  4. Happy Birthday
  5. Isnt This A Great Country
  6. Sympathy Cards
  7. Watch Out For These!
  8. TODAYS DATE: April 22nd, 2004 - Earth Day
  9. old Geezers


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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 05:07:53 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Isn't This A Great Country?

Is this a great country or what?

In America, even the President of the United States can
hope to one day be elected President of the United States.

_________________________________________________________________
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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 05:13:33 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: EXERCISE.....

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years
old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000/month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost
a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.

And last but not least...

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to
them!
























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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 05:17:16 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Funnies

===PALM SUNDAY===
It was Palm Sunday and because of a sore throat five-year-old Johnny stayed home
from church with a sitter.  When the family returned home, they were carrying
several palm branches.  The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

===CHILDREN'S SERMON===
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon,
he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.  He pointed at the egg
and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know," a little boy exclaimed.  "Pantyhose!"

===MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL===
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.  I was just planning to support
your daughter.  T he rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

===JUST CURIOUS===
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let
go?"

===THE TITHING===
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around
the offering plates.  When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me, Daddy.  I'm under five."

===THE BLESSING===
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers
before eating?"

"No sir," he replied.  "We don't have to.  My Mom is a good cook!"

===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his
mother's side.  "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious "What trick is that?" she asked.

"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us
again," the little boy answered.

=== THE MOOD RING ===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.  When I'm in a good mood it
turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

=== THE WATER PISTOL ===
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he
discovered a water pistol.  He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest
sink.  I was not so pleased.  I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

=== HALF PRICE ===
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their
husbands on business trips.  Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department
sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.  Letters are still pouring in asking, "What
trip?"

=== LIFE AFTER DEATH ===
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left
early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 05:54:55 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Happy Birthday

It was our friend's birthday, so we decided to give him
a call and sing "Happy Birthday."

The only trouble was that we dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said the voice on the other end.
"You need all the practice you can get."

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 07:29:49 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Isn't This A Great Country?

Is this a great country or what?

In America, even the President of the United States can
hope to one day be elected President of the United States.

_________________________________________________________________
Watch LIVE baseball games on your computer with MLB.TV, included with MSN
Premium!
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/mlb&pgmarket=en-us/go/onm00200439ave/direct/01/

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 06:49:37 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Sympathy Cards <Adult>

~ Victoria
--
At the card shop a woman was spending a long time
looking at the cards, finally shaking her head no.

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any
'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
---
Chicks dig guys that write recursive algorithms.
            ~ /.

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:54:47 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Watch Out For These!

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that
offspring of the dangerous "I love you" e-mail virus are now on
the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of
"I Love You" mutations and how to recognize them.


The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your
computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer,
but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the
computer that it really wants to invade.

The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays
with it for life.

The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with
a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers
from time to time.

The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages
that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's
best data in an ugly network session.

The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amount of time monitoring your
computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries
to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any
other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.

The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on
other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove
generally unavailable.

The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely
new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 07:33:09 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 22nd, 2004 - Earth Day

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  Earth Day
First observed in 1970, Earth Day reminds us to handle our planet with care.

JOKE:  THE BEGINNING
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He was immediately
slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an environmental impact
statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project but was
stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the Earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?
What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was
granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would
result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and
that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night".
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the Earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed." The
EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life;
and the fowl that may fly over the Earth." Officials pointed out this would
require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly
Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the project in
six days.  Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before .....

At that point, God created hell.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Eddie Albert (1908); Byron Allen (1961); Chris Makepeace (1964);
Jack Nicholson (1937); Charlotte Rae (1926); Aaron Spelling, producer
(1928); Ryan Stiles (1959); John Waters, director (1946).
Artistic - Henry Fielding, English author (1707); Mme de Stael (Germaine
Necker), French author (1766).
Historic - Isabela I, Queen of Spain (1451); Immanuel Kant, German
philosopher (1724); Vladimir Ilyichl Lenin, Russian revolutionary and leader
(1870).
Music - Glen Campbell, singer (1936); Peter Frampton, rock singer (1950);
Yehudi Menuhin, violin virtuoso (1916); Charles Mingus, jazz (1922).
Scientific - J Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist and director of Atomic
Bomb project (1904); Catherine Verfaillie, Belgian oncologist (1957).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Thu, 22 Apr 2004 06:07:38 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: old Geezers

               OLD GEEZERS






"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:


  At sporting events, during the playing of
  the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold


  their caps over their hearts and sing without


  embarrassment. They know the words and
  believe in them. Old Geezers remember
  World War I, the Depression, World


  War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy


  and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,
  the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age
  and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.


  If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,


  he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer
  on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a
  lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are


  courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door
  for the next person and always, when walking,


  make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

  Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses
  in front of women and children and they don't like
  any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have


  moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's


  about their grandchildren.


  It's the Old Geezers who know our great country
  is protected, not by politicians or police, but by


  the young men and women in the military serving their country.

  This country needs Old Geezers with their decent


  values. We need them now more than ever.


  Thank God for Old Geezers!



  THESE COLORS DON'T RUN

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