Digest for Monday, April 19, 2004

There are 9 messages totalling 267 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Music To My Eyes
  2. Boston Marathon
  3. Insurance Companies.....
  4. The Irish [ADULTISH]
  5. The Nuns
  6. MS Frog
  7. TODAYS DATE: April 19th, 2004 - Skydivings Birthday
  8. A Prairie Home Companion does Annual Joke Show
  9. Did You Know


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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 03:03:10 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Music To My Eyes

What is the difference between bagpipes and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop the bagpipes into little pieces.

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 06:02:55 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Boston Marathon

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner
is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot
worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the really bad
news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun
today!"

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 06:32:10 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Insurance Companies.....

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes  up with the slogan
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the
tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From  the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the
race, but finally came up with  "From the erection to the resurrection."

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 05:56:16 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Irish [ADULTISH]

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?", asks the
doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a
problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." A
week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The
poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twashorrid. Just
terrible, Doctor." Rally? What happened?",  asked the doctor. "Well, I did
as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The  effect was
almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent
the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!It
was a nightmare, I tell you!" "Why so terrible?", asked the doctor."Do you
mean you didn't enjoy it?" "Of course I did doctor! Indeed,'twas the best
sex I've had in 25 years.  But I'll never be able to show  me face in
Starbucks again!"

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 05:34:25 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The Nuns

The Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use
this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushesand
grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?"
asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet.  As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked
Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were
silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?





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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 09:50:32 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: MS Frog

If a swamp frog goes ribb-it....ribb-it....ribb-it; and a Busch frog goes
bud....wis....er;

What does a Windows ME frog sound like?

Re-boot.....Re-boot.....re-boot.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 08:02:24 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 19th, 2004 - Skydiving's Birthday <Adult Theme>

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  Skydiving's Birthday
In 1919, the first free-fall parachute jump was made.

JOKE:  JUMPS
A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Cleveland
Parachute Club."

A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the
Cleveland Prostitute Club?"

"Oh no sir," came the embarrassed reply. "This is the Cleveland Parachute
Club."

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your
salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week."


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Don Adams (1926); Tim Curry (1946); Elinor Donahue (1937); Kate
Hudson (1979); Ashley Judd (1968); Jayne Mansfield (1932); Dudley Moore
(1935); Hugh O'Brian (1925).
Artistic - Richard Hughes, English author (1900).
Historic - Eliot Ness, American FBI agent and crime fighter (1903); Roger
Sherman, American Statesman and signer of U.S. Constitution (1721).
Music - Augustus Juilliard, music patron (1836); Marion "Sage" Knight, rap
executive (1965); Alexis Korner of Blues Incorporated (1928); Alan Price of
Animals (1942); Larry Ramos of Association (1942); Mark Volman of Turtles &
Mothers of Invention (1947); Bernie Worrell of P-Funk (1944).
Sports - Al Unser Jr., auto racer (1962).
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 11:21:05 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Prairie Home Companion does Annual Joke Show

Yucks in the Air  (reported to UGA HUMOR by Jim Mica)

Garrison Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion" does an annual Joke show.
Well, it's almost annual.  Anyhow, they did it over the weekend and it
should be available on their web site later this week:

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/


As usual, the jokes ran the gamut, but there were many many presented
in this cornucopia.

From the highly innovative [KNOCK KNOCK DIVISION]

Jokster:   Knock, knock.

Victim:  Who's there?

Jokester:  Controlling individual, and now you say, "Controlling individual
who?".


To the contemporary:

Janet Jackson was pulled over by the cops the other day.  She wasn't
speeding.  She had a headlight out...

To the Political:

America is such a land of opportunity that even the President can
dream of one day being elected President!!


To the ethno/religious stereotype:

How do we know that Adam was a Lutheran?  Only a laconic Lutheran
male could be put in a garden with a naked woman but be tempted
by a piece of fruit.



It's all definitely worth a listen!

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Date:    Mon, 19 Apr 2004 07:18:31 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Did You Know <adult>

A blowjob is the only job in the world that cannot be
included in your resume despite years of experience
and a number of references.
- - -
Another Did You Know???

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never
hurt anybody.
- - -
The pretty young secretary had been transferred to the
company's Dallas office.

"We operate the same here in Dallas as you did in
Detroit," her boss told her.

"Alright then," she answered. "Pull your pants down so
I can get started."
- - -

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