Digest for Saturday, April 17, 2004

There are 7 messages totalling 257 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. CHENEY DEMANDS PAY RAISE
  2. The psychiatrist hotline
  3. Why its nice to be a dog...
  4. 9 Questions
  5. TODAYS DATE: April 17th, 2004 - U.S. Imported Horse Day
  6. The Bigger The Better (May be offensive to big-busted women)
  7. Jewish Mom


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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 06:18:07 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: CHENEY DEMANDS PAY RAISE

CHENEY DEMANDS PAY RAISE FOR DOING BUSH’S VOICE
Joins ‘Simpsons’ Actors on Picket Line

Vice President Dick Cheney today joined the cast of the animated series “The
Simpsons” on the picket line, demanding a substantial pay raise for doing
the voice of President George W. Bush.

“Vice President Cheney has been providing the voice of President Bush since
January of 2001,” a spokesman for the Vice President told reporters. “All he
wants is a salary that reflects that contribution.”

While it is not known what precise dollar figure the Vice President is
seeking, his spokesman said he was looking for “a salary in line with other
performers who provide voices for cartoon characters.”

Some in Washington expressed surprise that Mr. Cheney, whose wealth is
estimated at $87 billion, would ask for a pay raise, but not those who know
him well, says Douglas Behan, author of the Cheney biography “The Ultimate
Dick.”

“On the surface, Dick Cheney seems to have it all – money, power, and an
underground lair worthy of Goldfinger,” Mr. Behan says. “But what he doesn’t
have is the kind of respect that Casey Kasem gets for doing the voice of
Shaggy on ‘Scooby-Doo.’”

With Mr. Bush’s appearance before the 9/11 commission fast approaching, the
White House was scrambling to find someone else to do President Bush’s
voice, with national security adviser Condoleezza Rice emerging as a
possible option.

But not so fast, says Mr. Behan: “Let’s not forget, Condi didn’t event want
to do her own voice.”

In other news, a new poll shows Americans evenly divided over who scares
them more, Osama or Omarosa.

                        © Andy Borowitz
                        borowitzreport.com

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 05:55:40 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The psychiatrist hotline

Welcome to the psychiatrist hotline:

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing
this call. Please stay on the line.

If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice
will tell you what to do.

If you are manic depressive it doesn't matter what you do,
no one cares about you anyway.


TRY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY
(the doctor will see you soon)

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 07:00:18 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Why it's nice to be a dog...

           Why it's nice to be a dog...


No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else
for that matter.

When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry
about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 08:55:18 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 9 Questions

Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Questions ...
But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that damn ice
    cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
    speaking to you after tonight.

9. All in all, I'd rather watch a porno.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 06:04:21 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 17th, 2004 - U.S. Imported Horse Day

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  U.S. Imported Horse Day
The first horse was imported into the United States in 1629.

JOKE:  HORSE IN THE HOUSE
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble
getting the horse's cooperation.  A passerby stopped and asked if he could
help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.

After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door
of Joe's department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the
door. More pushing and shoving.

Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and
into Joe's apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and
into the bathtub.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good samaritan said, "I don't want to be
nosy, but this is most unusual..."

Joe said, "When my wife comes home, she'll look in the bathroom and say,
'There's a horse in there!' "

"Hey, how many times in a man's life will they ever get the chance to tell
their wife, 'I know! I know!'?"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - William Holden (1918); Olivia Hussey (1951); Harry Reasoner, TV
journalist (1923); Lela Rochon (1966).
Artistic - Isak Dinesen, aka Karen Blixen, Danish writer (1884); Cynthia
Ozick, American writer (1928); Thornton Wilder, American playwright (1897).
Historic - Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Premier (1894); Colleen Kollar-Kotelly,
American judge in the Microsoft antitrust case (1943); J.P. Morgan, American
banker and industrialist (1837).
Music - Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice of Spice Girls (1974); Billy Fury
(1941); Jan Hammer, composer/musician (1948); Don Kirshner, music promoter
(1934); Bill Kreutzmann of Grateful Dead (1946); Liz Phair (1967); Michael
Sembello (1954); Pete Shelley of Buzzcocks (1955); Stephen Singleton of ABC
(1959)..
Sports - Cap Anson, baseball (1852); Alexander Cartwright, baseball (1852).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 07:39:57 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The Bigger The Better (May be offensive to big-busted women)

From Michele Gennette

During our church service one Sunday, a zaftig parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation: "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."


---------------------------------
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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 08:12:20 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Jewish Mom

A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her
Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and
serving the matzoth ball soup. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop
hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling.
Tell me all about what you were doing." Her daughter says, "Mom, I got
married." "Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that
without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?" "He's
waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." "What are you talking
about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law." The daughter
brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man
standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an
enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall
spear in an upright position. The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her
back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot. .I
said RICH doctor!"

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