Digest for Friday, April 16, 2004

There are 11 messages totalling 449 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Training!!!
  2. Questions That Shouldve Been Asked....
  3. The Ten Commandments
  4. Illegal Operation
  5. Exercising
  6. TODAYS DATE: April 16th, 2004 - National Stress Awareness Day
  7. The Secret Strategy of Gary Trudeau revealed!!!!
  8. The Absence
  9. Sympathy Cards
  10. men know
  11. George Carlin on age


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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 05:07:05 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Training!!!

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket
of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want
coffee. The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one
gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts
it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto.
We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here.
What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
"Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee,
shoot the shit and disappear for rest of the day".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

So.....I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasporov
and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me
the salt.

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 05:07:26 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Questions That Should've Been Asked....

Questions that should've been asked at Tuesday's press conference:



"Mr President: has your faith sustained you through one miserable failure
after another?"

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr President: were you smoking crack regularly when you decided to start a
war in Iraq, or were you merely a binge user?"

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr. President, the Iraqis now regard the siege of Fallujah as a "jihad,"
and nearly 75 U.S. soldiers and marines were killed in the past two weeks
fighting both Sunni and Shi'ite insurgents. Is this what you meant when you
suggested to those in Iraq who were attacking our troops that they should
'bring it on'?"

"Mr. President, does this mean that 'major combat operations' aren't
'over'?"

"Are you going to be landing on any aircraft carriers in the near future?"

"How about visiting the troops in Iraq on Memorial day? You know, announcing
your visit in advance, and publicly announcing the exact time and date of
your arrival? Wouldn't that be a wonderful gesture of support for our
troops? You could even bring them a big platter of fake bratwurtsts."

"Mr. President, given your extensive combat experience during the Vietnam
war, can you give the troops some words of encouragement based upon what got
you through the tough times?"

              - counterspin.blogspot

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr President: can you give me the names - from memory - of 30 soldiers who
died last week in Iraq? 10? How about 2?"

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr President: how has your faith guided you during these difficult times?"
                Follow-up...
"Mr President: who caught the bigger bass this past weekend, you or your
dad?"

Sorry.... those were from FauxNews.

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr President: have you ever made a mistake?"
A: Osama attacked us. The world is better off without Saddam.

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr President: is it true that Jenna is pregnant with Asthon Kutcher's
baby?"

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"My liege... I mean... Mr. President: <ahem> Why do you think the FBI
maliciously misled you about Iraq? Was it Hillary Clinton's fault?"

Oops, sorry.... there's that FauxNews guy again.

  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=  =--=

"Mr President: will Vice President Cheney sit next to you at the 9/11
Commission drinking a glass of water while you answer each question? I love
that gag..."


**********
Rehearsing
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/horsey/print.asp?id=1000

_________________________________________________________________
From must-see cities to the best beaches, plan a getaway with the Spring
Travel Guide! http://special.msn.com/local/springtravel.armx

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 05:35:39 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Ten Commandments

TEN COMMANDMENTS

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good
logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama
Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a  building full of lawyers, judges
and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 07:03:18 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Illegal Operation

What?

My computer just told me that I had completed
an illegal operation, and I'm not even a doctor.....

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 08:44:25 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Exercising

Two overweight middle-aged women were on their daily walk. They
were discussing how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older.
One woman complained that she remained apple-shaped, no matter what
she did or how much exercise she got.

The other woman said that no matter how much she exercised, there
was too much fat on her backside and thighs, and it seemed like it
was there to stay.

Her friend agreed, saying, "It's true, it's true. The lard sure
works in mysterious ways."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 05:51:01 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 16th, 2004 - National Stress Awareness Day

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!":  National Stress Awareness Day
Stress is one of the major causes of illnesses. On the day after income
taxes are due, we need a reminder to take a break from the stress.

JOKE:  WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS
1.   Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2.   Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
3.   Pay your electric bill in pennies.
4.   Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
5.   Dance naked in front of your pets.
6.   Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7.   Go shopping; Buy everything; Sweat in it and return it the next day.
8.   Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
9.   Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in
jail.
10.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to
you.
11.  Leaf through the National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
12.  Polish your car with ear wax.
13.  Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
14.  Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
15.  Refresh yourself.  Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
16.  Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Ellen Barkin (1955); Charlie Chaplin (1889); Jon Cryer (1965);
Lukas Haas (1976); Martin Lawrence (1965); Peter Ustinov (1921).
Artistic - Kingsley Amis (1922); Anatole France, French writer (1844); John
Millington Synge, Irish dramatist (1871).
Music - Henry Mancini, conducter/composer (1924); Hervie Mann, jazz flutist
(1930); Jimmy Osmond of Osmond Brothers (1963); Selena Quintanilla, Tejano
singer (1971); Gerry Rafferty of Steeler's Wheel (1947); Bill Spooner of
Tubes (1949); Dusty Springfield, singer (1939); Bobby Vinton, singer (1935).
Scientific - Wilbur Wright, American inventor of the airplane (1867).
Sports - Dick "Night Train" Lane, football (1928); Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,
basketball (1947).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 09:34:19 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Secret Strategy of Gary Trudeau revealed!!!!

Surely Gary Trudeau --long time purveyor of leftist propaganda in his
Doonesbury strips--  is one of the most egregious examples of the
anti-American Liberal Media (sm).  Imagine our shock at finding out
Trudeau is secretly (or not so secretely) a speachwriter for President Bush!
Just look at the evidence below.                                Jim Mica

TRUDEAU:

        [report of advice being giving to President Bush
                 on apologizing for 9/11 failures]

Whatever you do, don't say you're sorry in the apologetic sense,
like Clarke did.  Don't take any responsibility at all.  Instead,
Just be sorry in the SYMPATHETIC sense of the word.  Say you're
sorry for the families' losses, Etc.
                                   Doonesbury  April 16, 2004


TRANSCRIPT OF APRIL 14TH PRESIDENTIAL NEWS CONFERENCE:

Q Do you feel a sense of personal responsibility for September 11th?

THE PRESIDENT: I feel incredibly grieved when I meet with family members,
and I do quite frequently. I grieve for the incredible loss of life that
they feel, the emptiness they feel.

        ***

Q Thank you, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, a former counterterrorism
official at the NSC, Richard Clarke, offered an unequivocal apology
to the American people for failing them prior to 9/11. Do you believe
the American people deserve a similar apology from you, and would you
be prepared to give them one?

THE PRESIDENT: Look, I can understand why people in my administration
anguished over the fact that people lost their life. I feel the same
way. I mean, Iīm sick when I think about the death that took place on
that day. And as I mentioned, Iīve met with a lot of family members
and I do the best I do to console them about the loss of their loved
one. As I mentioned, I oftentimes think about what I could have done
differently. I can assure the American people that had we had any
inkling that this was going to happen, we would have done everything
in our power to stop the attack.
Hereīs what I feel about that. The person responsible for the attacks
was Osama bin Laden. Thatīs whoīs responsible for killing Americans.
And thatīs why we will stay on the offense until we bring people to
justice.

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 15:55:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Absence

Little Pauly stared at his test paper. The big read "F" stared back at
him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a
low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Pauly answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Pauly replied, "No, but Maury who usually sits next to me was."

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 08:19:48 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Sympathy Cards <Adult>

~ Victoria
--
At the card shop a woman was spending a long time
looking at the cards, finally shaking her head no.

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any
'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
---
Chicks dig guys that write recursive algorithms.
            ~ /.

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Date:    Fri, 16 Apr 2004 07:03:29 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: men know

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of
the house.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the
game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas
will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust
oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to
stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off
when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good
his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over
there.

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Date:    Sat, 17 Apr 2004 00:06:32 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: George Carlin on age

Do you realize that the only time in our  lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years  old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions."  How old are you?" "I'm four and
a>half!"  You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going
on five!

 That's the key. You get into your teens,  now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few  ahead.

"How old are you?"  "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be13, but hey, you're gonna
be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life .   . you become 21.

Even the  words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what  happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him  out. There's no fun now, you're just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's  changed?

You BECOME 21, you  TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.   Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all  slipping away.  Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and
your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't  think you would!  So you BECOME
21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH  50 and  MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that  you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day  is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH  bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,  you start going backwards; "I was
JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make  it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a  half!"

 May you all make it to a healthy 100 and  a half!!

HOW  TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This  includes age, weight and  height.
Let the doctor worry about them.  That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The  grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the  computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle.   "An idle mind is the  devil's
workshop."  And the devil's  name is
Alzheimer's.

 4. Enjoy the simple things.

 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh  until you gasp for breath.

 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and  move on. The only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,  whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your  home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good,  preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can  improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to  the mall, to the next county, to
a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you  love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of  breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath  away.

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