Digest for Monday, April 12, 2004

There are 9 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Jes Axin, MKay?
  2. Two whales [ADULTISH]
  3. Easter -- the Day After
  4. The Best Divorce Letter Ever.....
  5. TODAYS DATE: April 12th, 2004 - Spam the Internet Day
  6. The Revival
  7. Wedding Day
  8. 21 Wise Sayings
  9. Its Tough to be a Man


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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 04:48:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Jes' Axin', M'Kay?

The night was dark when two men came up to the run-down cabin
in Southern Georgia and kicked against the door.

"Say, you all right, C.Lee?" said Jud. " We found a body by the creek,
and we kinda thought it might be you."

"What'd the fella look like?" asked C.Lee.

"Sorta like you, C.Lee.  A no-account."

"Have on shoes?"

"Yep."

"Overalls?"

"Yep."

"Shirt?"

"Yep."

"Was he shaved?"

"Seems like he were."

"Twarn't me, then."

_________________________________________________________________
Watch LIVE baseball games on your computer with MLB.TV, included with MSN
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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 05:13:47 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Two whales [ADULTISH]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that
had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to
turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the
female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the
shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female whale was becoming
reluctant to follow him. "What's the matter darling?"

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
 refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 05:29:15 -0500
From:    Marsha Coleman <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Easter -- the Day After

Q. What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives
     one day late with melted candy?
A. He probably had a bad hare day.

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 07:38:29 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Best Divorce Letter Ever.....

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our

"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day thatyou
left,

I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little

boy in me talking.  Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would comecrawling back to me.

I guess my pride needed that.  But now I see that my pride's cost me a
lot

of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking

bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what

my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the
eyes and

breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.They're not even
close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with
me.

I don't say this to hurt youbut just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth

and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a
perfect

body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.
Every

man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this
stunner, I

thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all
so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean?  Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this

case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better
person?

Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I
doubt it.

And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about

a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel
so drained

and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty,
shameless hunger,

but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel
so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to
watch.

Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jee-wiz
Connie,

I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of
you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
figured I wasn't

eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till
later, but that's

not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging

away in our old bedroom  And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me

everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up
about her weight

or her career and  whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden,
she spots that

tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on
the floor and we

straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but
it makes me sad, too.

Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on
the floor?  We've had

this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean,

Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders

and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given
me lots

of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for
us to

get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in
a hot

bubble bath and talking about happier times.Here's this teenage girl
with the

same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like
you when

you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to

thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how
that

probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how
even

then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I
can do is

think of you? It's true, Connie.  In your heart you must know it.  Don't
you think

we could start over?  Just wipe out all the grievances away and
start fresh? I think

we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
you let me

know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan.

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 06:16:29 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE:  April 12th, 2004 - Spam the Internet Day

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!": Spam the Internet Day
In 1994, Laurence Canter and Martha Siegel spammed 6,000 Usenet newsgroups
with a commercial ad. In their book, "How to Make a Fortune on the
Information Superhighway", they say that on that date the Internet became
truly commercial.

JOKE:  THE MEANING OF LIFE
Hi there friend,
I am sending you this unsolicited e-mail because I feel it is most
important. The subject line of this message contains the MEANING OF LIFE!!!
Yes friends, all your hopes and dreams and greatest ambitions are
encapsulated in that jumbled and garbled subject line.

Of course you cannot make heads nor tails out of it, because it is encrypted
with DES level III encryption with a 2048 bit key. (Don't even think about
trying to crack it yourself). The reason it is encoding is for your own
protection. What would you think if you just received the MEANING OF LIFE in
an ordinary e-mail message? You would be very disappointed.

So what do you have to do to find out the true meaning behind this scrambled
subject line?? Just send us $50.00 in US funds and we will send you the 2048
bit key that will unscramble this message and make your life truly
wonderful!! That is right no more hard work, no more annoying supervisors,
no more aches and pains, no more suffering. Yes, that is right! THE MEANING
OF LIFE!! is contained in that simple subject line header.

And that is not all folks, your $50.00 also gets you a copy of the Greatest
Hits of Barry Manilow on 8 track tape along with a Ginzu knife and, if you
can believe it, your very own autographed copy of RN, the autobiography of
Richard Nixon. Yes, just $50.00 will bring you fame, fortune and happiness.
If you act right now, we will include another free gift, a whole case of
potted meat! Doesn't it just make your mouth water?

So don't delay, dear friends, act now. This offer won't last forever and
neither will you. Don't you want to discover what life is all about before
you die?? That is right, a mere $50.00 brings you all these great gifts.
AND, I cannot emphasis this strongly enough, the REAL MEANING OF LIFE!!

Now you have probably heard of similar offers, but this is the real
thing--no cheap imitations, no foreign imports. This the genuine, American
made, MEANING OF LIFE!! Do not hesitate. Send your money in now.

SEND $50.00 US TO:

THE PSYCHOTIC FRIENDS NETWORK
ALCATRAZ ISLAND BUSINESS PARK
BIRDMAN MEMORIAL SUITE
PO BOX 1BORNEVRYMINUTTT
SAN FRANCISCO CA US

For your convenience and our profit we accept:
MC, VISA, AMEX, DISC, and the BUBBA charge card.

DO NOT DELAY!! SEND TODAY FOR YOUR VERY OWN MEANING OF LIFE!!!

Offer void where prohibited by law or in states where there is outstanding
litigation pending.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

BIRTHDAYS TODAY:
Acting - David Cassidy (1950); Shannen Doherty (1971); Andy Garcia (1956);
David Letterman (1947); Ann Miller (1923); Ed O'Neill (1946).
Artistic - Tom Clancy, American thriller author (1947); Donald Grant
Mitchell, American author (1822); Johanna Spyri, Swiss author of "Heidi"
(1827); Scott Turow, American thriller author (1949).
Historic - Henry Clay, American Senator and statesman (1777); Marietta
Peabody Tree, U.S. Ambassador (1917).
Music - Alexander Briley of Village People (1956); David Cassidy (1950);
Vince Gill, country singer (1957); Herbie Hancock, jazz keyboardist (1940);
John Kay of Steppenwolf (1944); Tiny Tim, aka Herbert Khaury, singer (1925);
Pat Travers (1954).

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 15:32:04 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Revival <may be off. to the religious>

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together
to sponsor a community-wide revival.

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the
results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We
gained 10 new members."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 16 new
members."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We
got rid of our 26 biggest trouble makers!"

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 09:57:22 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Wedding Day

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with
an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When
you get  to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,'
I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."  He passed
the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young
man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself
before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast
in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God
and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes."  The groom then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back,
"She made me a much better offer."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 06:41:40 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: 21 Wise Sayings

  1. The best way to get even is to forget...

  2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

  3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

  4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

  5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be
  maintained on earth...

  6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then
  perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea.

  7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...

  8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous.
  You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.

  9. Words are windows to the heart.

  10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on
  the wall, claims it's a forgery.

  11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill,
  just add a little dirt.

  12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's
  being the right person.

  13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its
  ground.

  14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over
  them.

  15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't
  hold it.

  16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover
  the prisoner was you.

  17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and
  Elvis is alive.

  18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again.
  Just be sure to flush when you are done.

  19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it
  sticks out its neck...

  20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you
  can bet the water bill is higher.

  21. And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He
  gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!

  Keep smiling, and ...if you see someone's missing one....
  give them one of yours!!

  ~Author Unknown~

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Date:    Mon, 12 Apr 2004 12:02:59 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: It's Tough to be a Man

IT'S TOUGH BEING A MAN ...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race . . . you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ...there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ...this is exploitation.


If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ...you should get off
your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ...that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ...it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ...it's male indifference.

If you cry ...you're a wimp.

If you don't ...you are insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her ...you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ...she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ...that's domination.

If SHE asks you ...it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ...you're a
pervert.

If you don't ...you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ...you're
sexist.

If you don't ...you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ...you're vain.

If you don't ...you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ...you're after something.

If you don't ...you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ...you're full of yourself.

If you don't ...you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ...she's tired.

If you have a headache ...you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ...you're over sexed.

If you don't ...there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE YOUNGER THAN WOMEN!



__________________________________
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