Digest for Monday, April 05, 2004

There are 9 messages totalling 386 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. With Apologies to Country Joe McDonald
  2. Circle Flies
  3. Hockey vs. Sex.....
  4. Dogs Duty
  5. TODAYS DATE: April 5th, 2004 - Chicken Little Awards
  6. cows?
  7. Building your Word-Power!
  8. Me and A.A.A.D.D.
  9. Customer Testimonials


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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 04:48:22 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: With Apologies to Country Joe McDonald

The Fake Cheer & I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Fly Rag


Gimme an F!
                  F!
Gimme an A!
                  A!
Gimme a K!
                  K!
Gimme an E!
                  E!
What's that spell?
                  FAKE!
What's that spell?
                  FAKE!
What's that spell?
                  FAKE!!!

Yeah, come on all of you, rich young men,
Uncle Sam's gone to war again.
He needs young men for Vietnam,
But you've got dough, take it on the lam!
So join the Guard, no need to run,
Stay home and have a whole lotta fun.

And it's one, two, three,
What are they fighting for?
Don't ask me, I just bought a gram,
Next stop is Alabam';
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the brandy, mates,
We'll let them poor boys fight and die!
Whoopee! We're all gonna fly!

Well, come on generals, shake a leg;
Get out your pens, don't make us beg.
The National Guard is migthy fine;
So put your name on the dotted line
This champagne unit's just the thing,
To make a rich boy want to sing...

That it's one, two, three,
What are they fighting for?
Don't ask me, I just bought a gram,
Next stop is Alabam';
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the brandy, mates,
We'll let them poor boys fight and die!
Whoopee! We're all gonna fly!

Well, come on Wall Street, don't move slow,
Dad's in congress, don't you know.
The poor boys, they're all shipping out
I'm stayin' home 'cause I got clout,
I ain't got time to stick around,
This boy's Alabamy bound.

And it's one, two, three,
What are they fighting for?
Don't ask me, I just bought a gram,
Next stop is Alabam';
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the brandy, mates,
We'll let them poor boys fight and die!
Whoopee! We're all gonna fly!

Well, come on rich boys, ain't you heard?
You can chicken out and mum's the word.
Stay here at home where it's safe and warm,
You even get to wear that uniform.
Be the first one on your block
Who won't have to come home in a box.

And it's one, two, three,
What are they fighting for?
Don't ask me, I just bought a gram,
Next stop is Alabam';
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the brandy, mates,
We'll let them poor boys fight and die!
Whoopee! We're all gonna fly!

                Macdaffy @ Table Talk

_________________________________________________________________
Watch LIVE baseball games on your computer with MLB.TV, included with MSN
Premium!
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/mlb&pgmarket=en-us/go/onm00200439ave/direct/01/

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 06:17:20 -0400
From:    Marianne E Rantz <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Circle Flies

Farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's
ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 06:37:34 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hockey vs. Sex.....

10 Reasons Why Hockey is Better Than Sex!!

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS

9.  THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD

8.  THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE

7.  IT LASTS A FULL HOUR

6.  YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS

5.  YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE

4.  A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON

3.  IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY

2.  YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK

1.  PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 08:14:32 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Dog's Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children
fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, he's just for good luck.

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs
she said firmly, to find the fire hydrant."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 05:52:28 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 5th, 2004 - Chicken Little Awards <Mild Profanity>

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Jane Asher (1946); Bette Davis (1908); Frank Gorshin (1934);
Gregory Peck (1916); Gale Storm (1921); Spencer Tracy (1900).
Artistic - Arthur Hailey, American author (1920); Booker T. Washington,
educator and author (1856).
Historic - Colin Powell, American General and Secretary of State (1937).
Music - Eric Burdon of Animals (1941); Nicholas Caldwell of Whispers (1944);
Tommy Cash (1962); Allan Clarke of Hollies (1942); Paula Cole, singer
(1968); Anna Faltskog of ABBA (1950); Vince Gill, country singer (1957);
Mike McCready of Pearl Jam (1966); Everett Morton of English Beat (1951);
Dave Swarbrick of Fairport Convention (1947).

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!": Chicken Little Awards
On the first Monday in April, these awards are given to people who have
scared large numbers of people with dubious scientific predictions,
theories, or statements.

JOKE:  CHICKEN LITTLE
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken little tried
to warn the farmer.

She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky
is falling, the sky is falling!' "

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said - 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!' "

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 06:45:36 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: cows?

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington.  Also they track her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 14:30:09 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Building your Word-Power!

Reported to the Humor List by Jim Mica

No my friends, adding new dimensions to one's vocabulary does not end
with your high school career!  One never knows when one will come across
one of those words you've been needing most of your life.  Such a word
is resistentialism.  It was coined by a spiritual descendent of Stephen
Potter to provide an explans behind Gumperson's Law [the probability of
an event's occurrence is inversely proportional to the desirability of
the event] which one can find discussed in many a philosophical tome.

And, here is a brief introduction to resistentialism from the famous
A-Word-A-Day list run by Anu Garg.

================================================

resistentialism (ri-zis-TEN-shul-iz-um) noun

   The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against
us.

[Coined by humorist Paul Jennings as a blend of the Latin res (thing)
+ French resister (to resist) + existentialism (a kind of philosophy).]

If you ever get a feeling that the photocopy machine can sense when you're
tense, short of time, need a document copied before an important meeting,
and right then it decides to take a break, you're not alone. Now you know
the word for it. Here's a report of scientific experiments confirming the
validity of this theory:
http://www.uefap.co.uk/writing/exercise/report/clatri.htm

As if to prove the point, my normally robust DSL Internet connection went
bust for two hours just as I was writing this. I'm not making this up.

-Anu Garg

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 17:28:53 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Me and A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age  Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car.  As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table.  I decide to go through the
mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash first, but then I think that since I'm going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left.       My extra checks are in my desk in the study, o I go to my
desk where I find  the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going
to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading
 glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so
I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll
water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you?  Forward this message to close friends you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!  And if I have
sent this to you before....well, now you know why you're getting it again.

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Date:    Mon, 5 Apr 2004 18:04:43 -0500
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Customer Testimonials

    Customers of a pharmaceutical company were constantly being
    pestered for testimonials to use in promoting the firm's products.
    Finally one senior citizen decided he'd had enough.

    "I've been totally deaf for the last fifteen years", he wrote. "But
    after using your ointment for only two weeks, I heard from my
    brother in Phoenix."

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