Digest for Sunday, April 04, 2004

There are 9 messages totalling 336 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Daylight Saving Time
  2. Todays Advertisement at the Church Of Chuckles
  3. Kids in church
  4. TODAYS DATE: April 4th, 2004 - Microsofts Birthday
  5. Cost of Living
  6. Dogs Really Do Have A Hard Life!
  7. Airlines....[Adult]
  8. gay baby
  9. Some of these made me laugh out loud.....


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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 03:45:42 -0500
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Daylight Saving Time

          Daylight Saving Time Started at 2AM This Mornin'


Remember to set your clocks and watches one hour BACK today.
If you plan to vote republican in November, go ahead and set them
back FORTY YEARS!


              The season is named Spring, b/c that's when
                   temperatures Spring back and forth

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 07:06:43 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Today's Advertisement at the Church Of Chuckles  <prob. blasphemous>

WHAT A TREND WE HAVE IN JESUS!


"Get a Grip" Mini-Giftbasket for the Chronic Masturbator

The "Get a Grip Mini-Giftbasket for the Chronic Masturbator"
contains a mini-bottle of Purell hand sanitizer and one pair
of green latex surgical gloves for the handling of the penis;
two packs of HandzOff Anti-masturbatory gum; one church-
approved "Good News" pivot-head disposable razor for ease
in shaving the palms should the masturbator relapse; one
Baby "Every Sperm is Sacred" pocket touchstone to remind
the masturbator to save his seed; and one pamphlet on
avoiding self-abuse, all attractively packaged in a handsome
giftbasket ready to present to that special someone in your life.

http://www.misspoppy.com/catalog/xcart/customer/product.php?productid=16217&cat=108&page=1

_________________________________________________________________
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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 07:02:12 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Kids in church

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy
responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse,
4 richer, 4 poorer."
---------------
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and
listen."
---------------
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
---------------
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
---------------
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him the money now, will he let us go?"

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 07:12:22 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 4th, 2004 - Microsoft's Birthday

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Robert Downey, Jr (1965); Nancy McKeon (1966); Craig T Nelson
(1946); Anthony Perkins (1932); Eva Marie Saint (1924); Alicia Silverstone
(1976).
Artistic - Maya Angelou, African-American poet (1928); Charles Funk,
American encyclopedic (1881); Arthur Murray, dance studio owner (1895); John
Cameron Swayze, news anchorman (1906).
Historic - Richard Parson, AOL Time Warner leader (1948).
Music - Muddy Waters, blues musician (1915).
Sports - A Bartlett Giamatti, baseball commissioner (1938).

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!": Microsoft's Birthday
In 1975, Bill Gates and Paul Allen founded Microsoft, the most successful
software company.

JOKE:  WINDOW 2000 WARNINGS (A little old, but still a classic!!)
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the
planned Windows 2000:

  1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all
your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning:  After we got caught in cahoots with the
hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the
following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has
detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space
wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses.  Would you like to save
your old outdated ASCII file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted.  The police are on the way.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 08:44:51 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Cost of Living

~Art
--
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by
the expenses that came with it, my brother was
complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium
would be lower."

My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying
an airline just to get free peanuts."
---
Life is too short to proofread.

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 10:59:04 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Dogs Really Do Have A Hard Life!

(At least in Germany.)


BONN, Germany - Anna and Kurt Glitscher are being sued by their
neighbors. The reason? It seems that their aged dog is up to some
very old tricks as the Don Juan doggie is accused of getting six
bitches pregnant in one madcap week of canine passion.

The Glitschers are not innocent bystanders either, as court papers
claim they have been feeding their dog Viagra.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 11:24:17 -0400
From:    Marianne E Rantz <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Airlines....[Adult]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now, sit back and enjoy your trip while our Captain,
Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

A man sitting in the 16th row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
The captain is a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by the with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes." said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said the man, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know
what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the
cockpit........ it's the box office."

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 08:10:33 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: gay baby<adult&lang>

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby
is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in
the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in
the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the
happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now... but just wait until we take
the pacifier out of his ass."

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Date:    Sun, 4 Apr 2004 17:15:16 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some of these made me laugh out loud.....

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic  it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you?!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says. She looks down and says,
"OH MY God, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was:
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing
the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for
Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen
desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator,
alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam
in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail
box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

Are you ready? This is a beauty.....

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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