Digest for Friday, April 02, 2004

There are 10 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Arab Newspaper
  2. PARTISAN POLITICS
  3. The Worst Country Song Lyrics...
  4. The Errand
  5. Magic powder
  6. PMS
  7. Why My Dog Doesnt Use My Computer
  8. TODAYS DATE: April 2nd, 2004 - National Teacher Appreciation Day
  9. How True!!!
  10. funnys


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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 02:34:24 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha1945@SBCGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway
reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to
be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an
Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what
did I find?  Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews
disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living
in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper.  Now what do
I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are
all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much
better... "

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 05:05:14 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: PARTISAN POLITICS

John Kerry cited a Bible verse Sunday to criticize leaders who have
"faith but has no deeds."
A Bush campaign spokesman decried the use of religion in politics.
He was immediately hit by lightning and his ashes eaten by locusts.

http://www.realcities.com/mld/krwashington/8300145.htm

              ------------------

Dear Sen. John Kerry and Democrats in general,

This is just to inform you that a protest has been filed with the
Federal Elections Commission in response to the recent Kerry
tactic of quoting scripture against the President of all these
United States.

We would also like to put on record, now, that invoking one
of the Ten Commandments - specifically the one about "bearing
false witness" - would be an unfair, partisan plot by Democrats
to baselessly impugn President Saint George.

Signed,
Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson,
The Heritage Foundation,
The American Enterprise Institute,
The World Journalism Institute,
Bush/Cheney 04 Campaign, and the
Republican National Committee [RNC]

_________________________________________________________________
Watch LIVE baseball games on your computer with MLB.TV, included with MSN
Premium!
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/mlb&pgmarket=en-us/go/onm00200439ave/direct/01/

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 06:17:11 -0500
From:    Marianne E Rantz <merantz@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: The Worst Country Song Lyrics...

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run
So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

5. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

6. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

9. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

12. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

13. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

14. Please Bypass This Heart.

15. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

16. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 13:43:38 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Errand <may be off. to the Irish>

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin", said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 05:52:36 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Magic powder

The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when
I shook them out.

"Woman," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in
my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 06:45:18 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: PMS

     ~Laura Ann
--
1.  Pass My Shotgun
2.  Psychotic Mood Shift
3.  Perpetual Munching Spree
4.  Puffy Mid-Section
5.  Pimples May Surface
6.  Provide Me with Sweets
7.  People Make me Sick
8.  Pardon My Sobbing
9.  Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

---
"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."
                ~Ronald Reagan (1911-)

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 09:59:16 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Why My Dog Doesn't Use My Computer

  1. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh ;pa3wds
        ( Too hard to type with paws)

  2. "Sit" and "stay" were hard enough;  "delete" and "save"
     are out of the question.

  3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

  4. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

  5. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing
     (www.purina.com)

  6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

  7. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears,
     "you've got mail".

  8. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.

  9. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

10. Can't stick his head out of Windows 2000.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 07:02:01 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TODAY'S DATE: April 2nd, 2004 - National Teacher Appreciation Day

BIRTHDAYS:
Acting - Dana Carvey, comedian (1955); Buddy Ebsen (1908); Alec Guinness
(1914); Jack Webb (1920).
Artistic - Hans Christian Andersen, Danish author of fairy tales (1805);
Giovanni Giacomo Casanova, Italian author and lover (1725); Camile Paglia,
author (1947); Emile Zola (1840).
Historic - Charlemagne, first Holy Roman emperor (742).
Music - Emmylou Harris, singer (1947); Marvin Gay, Motown singer (1939);
Sports - Mike Hailwood, motorcycle racing (1940).

THEME SELECTED FROM "CELEBRATE TODAY!": National Teacher Appreciation Day
The Friday before Palm Sunday is reserved as a day for elementary and
secondary students to show appreciation to their teachers.

JOKE:  REAL TEACHERS
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty
meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen
grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school
day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the
line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning
around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity
of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the
teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a
Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth
graders.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us
http://holidaychuckles.com

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 11:43:18 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How True!!!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2004 WHEN.....


 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different  companies.

9. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

11. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

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Date:    Fri, 2 Apr 2004 07:15:10 -1000
From:    Mickey <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: funnys <adult>

Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself.

"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels
like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
     ---Jim Bishop

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to
complain.  Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like
this all the time. "Nonsense," I said.  "Men are good for only one
thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"

Integrity Is Like Oxygen
The Higher You Go The Less There Is.

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire
method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program
are NEVER found by anyone. They just change the witness's name to G.
Spot.

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