Digest for Monday, March 31, 2003

There are 10 messages totalling 449 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A CNN Summary Of Events In Iraq
  2. Lusty Limericks
  3. Shes from Detroit
  4. IRS
  5. The Bunny & The Snake.....
  6. Did I say that (Some celebs might wish no one remembered!)
  7. Damn (Dam) Builders! Part 1 of 2
  8. MONDAY ~ March 31st ~ Cesar Chavez Day
  9. Fine cuisine
  10. U.S. Forms Own U.N.


Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 02:02:05 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: A CNN Summary Of Events In Iraq

Wolf Blitzer: Hello and welcome to CNN's continuing coverage of the war in Afgha ... Yugo
... Iraq.  It's now 3 am and time to give a rundown of all the things we don't know at
this point.  But before we do let's go to CNN's Walter Rogers.  Hello, Walter, what don't
you know at this point?

Walter: Hello, Wolf, I am here with the US troops in an area I am not sure of and there is
a sound I cannot identify.  Can you repeat the question?

Wolf: Sorry, Walter, we will get back to you.  But now we are getting word from our
correspondent Jamie McIntyre at the Pentagon of a breaking development.  Jamie, what
information are you not being told at this time?

Pentagon Correspondent Jamie McIntyre: Yes, Wolf, we were getting reports and indeed
Pentagon officials are confirming that it is now 3:02 in the morning.

Wolf: Thank you, Jamie, for that insightful report.  Joining us now in our Washington
studio is former Vice President and Senator Dan Qualye.  Senator Qualye, you were part of
the administration that was engaged in the first Gulf War.  What are your feelings at this

Dan Qualye: Who am I and why am I here?

Wolf: Always a pleasure to have you with us Senator Qualye and listen to your
observations.  To my left is former General John Snowball who commanded US troops during
the 1898 Spanish American War.  General what can you tell us about the battle to this

General Snowball: Well, Wolf, as you can clearly see from the highly sophisticated
graphics I have laid out before me, this coverage of the Iraqi conflict is costing CNN a

Wolf: Sorry, General, I am going to have to cut you off.  Nic Robertson in Baghdad is now
on the line.  Nic?

Nic Robertson: Yes, Wolf, indications are that the early strikes by American and British
forces may have crippled the regime of Saddam Hussein, or maybe they haven't.  One thing
we do know is that...

Wolf: Oops, you seem to be breaking up Nic.  Over to Christiane Amanpour with more on the

Christiane: Yes, Wolf, we can confirm that Saddam or someone who looked liked Saddam but
was in fact a descendant of Groucho Marx went on Iraqi television in a live or taped
appearance before or after the start of the conflict.

Wolf: Thank you, Christiane.  Be sure to stay with CNN for continuing developments as they
Copyright © 2003 Chortler.com

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 05:06:45 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Lusty Limericks  <way adult!>

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
   Never a genius,
   He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

   -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

This cheerleader from Milpitas,
Was much in love with coitus,
   Met a fullback from State,
   Who made her period late,
So now she has Athlete's Fetus.

   -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

A modern cinegraphic emporium,
Is not just a super-sensorium,
   When the mood is terrific,
   It's an ultra specific
Mutual masterbatorium.

   -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who fell in a privy and died...
   He had a young brother,
   Who fell in another,
And now they're interred side by side.

   -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly,
   They could tickle her twat,
   Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.

   -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

George Carlin is really a wit,
With his seven words that give censors the fit(s),
   They are Shit, Motherfucker,
   Piss and Cocksucker,
And don't forget Cunt, Fuck, and Tit(s)!

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 05:46:00 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: She's from Detroit

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's
all right, we will learn about each other as we go along.

she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we would learn more about ourselves as we went

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty
laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Detroit and Windsor and I worked both sides
of the River.

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 05:56:43 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: IRS

"President Clinton said he looked forward to the day a
citizen could call the IRS and get the right answer to a
question. I look forward to the day I can call the IRS and
get a voice that says, 'Sorry, that number has been
disconnected.'"     - Jay Leno

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 08:56:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Bunny & The Snake.....

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth and also never knew
my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work
out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches;
and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be French!

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 07:01:01 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Did I say that (Some celebs might wish no one remembered!)

From Ed Hoffman on Rehu

-----If you could live forever, would you and why?
-----"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland.

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher
incomes than others."
-- Gerry Brown.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca.

"Please provide the date of your death."
-- From an IRS letter.

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 10:29:27 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Damn (Dam) Builders!  Part 1 of 2

This is purported to be an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan
DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of
Michigan and his response. I don't know that it is, but it certainly is funny.

Mr.  Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT DEQ File No.  97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.  20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr.  DeVries

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity.  A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.  The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.

Sincerely, David L.  Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division
Tomorrow, the response...


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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 07:51:01 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: MONDAY ~ March 31st ~ Cesar Chavez Day

On August 10, 2000, California lawmakers approved the creation of a new
state holiday to honor Cesar Chavez, founder of the United Farm Workers.
Chavez was born on March 31, 1927 in Yuma, Arizona.

- Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
- You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment
parts is a vacation.
- You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer
appreciation suppers, and vacations.
- You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before
your wife would let you in the house.
- You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
- You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
- You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
- You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and
yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's
- You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of
- You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
- You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
- You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your
- You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
- You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.
- You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 18:52:11 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Fine cuisine

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  Two diners at an inn are shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-
smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup."  They summon a waiter to
  Their waiters looks at the menu.  Then he flings it down and yells to the
owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the dammed printers forgot to translate the
menu into French again!"

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Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 2003 01:17:54 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: U.S. Forms Own U.N.

WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the
will of its 188 member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation of its own
international governing body, the U.S.U.N.

"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out
actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell
said.  "Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down
in procedural policies, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."

"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming
decades," Powell continued.  "In fact, you can count on it."

The new organization will be based in Houston, where a $400 million U.S.U.N. Building is
currently under construction.  The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in
a four-minute vote Monday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the
proliferation of peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress
through deference to the U.S."

"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags
outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N.  "This
organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world, but, unlike the
U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser

In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously backed a resolution to
liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein.

"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working,"
said Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N.  "Really, I have no idea what we were
doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops
from New Zealand."

Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't
have to worry about dissent."

Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, and George W. Bush, make up the five
permanent members of the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council.

"The five Security Council members have veto power to block U.S.U.N. resolutions for
military action," Rumsfeld said.  "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to have,

According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates hail from every corner of the
U.S., General Assembly meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.

"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up
in Illinois," U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said.  "Despite the diverse backgrounds of
the delegates, cooperation has not been a problem—unlike at some outmoded, gridlocked
international peacekeeping bodies I could name."

The official U.S.U.N. language is English.  The official religion is Christianity.

        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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