Digest for Sunday, March 30, 2003

There are 11 messages totalling 400 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. C-Span To Introduce "Reality" Programming
  2. War protesters
  3. Renting Movies.....
  4. Rumination
  5. Kissing
  6. SUNDAY ~ March 30th ~ National Doctors Day (Poss Insulting to Medical Students)
  7. Its a sin
  8. Treat her royally!
  9. Disk operating system
  10. Old Peoples pickup lines:
  11. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 02:02:56 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: C-Span To Introduce "Reality" Programming

WASHINGTON – Taking the exploding "reality T.V." phenomenon one major step forward,
sources at Congressional cable channel C-SPAN indicate that the stalwart entertainment
network is ready to "take the dive" and present a brand new broadcasting lineup based in a
"reality" format.  The pilot initiative comes as cast members from the venerable
melodrama, "Senate Session", have approached producers with renewed salary demands for the
Fall 2003 season that would put them on an earnings par with the cast of "Friends".  In
either case, a seismic shift is about to take place in Washington.

"People demand reality," explained C-SPAN spokeswoman Carla Suarez.  "This has been an
exciting season at C-SPAN, however, the landscape is changing dramatically and we intend
to be part of that transformation."

Heralding that transformation, C-SPAN announced a daring new fall lineup highlighted by
the tentatively titled, "House Party".  The concept, which will focus on the actual views
of five Democrats and five Republicans living under one roof, drew hundreds of aspiring
participants to a D.C. audition in December, many bringing home videos.

"Wow, what an eye-opener," remarked casting director Leo Rifkin.  "I did not need to see
Jerry Nadler (D-NY) getting out of the shower."

Critics have complained that so-called "reality" shows put a priority on sex appeal when
selecting participants, but so far, Rifkin says that doesn't appear to be either a concern
or a possibility.

"Let's just say Ms. Feinstein will not be getting a call-back," said Rifkin.

"Senate Session", the longest running series on C-SPAN, received its highest ratings spike
during a weeklong episode that said "goodbye" to arch-villain Senator Trent Lott as a
major character and introduced heartthrob surgeon Bill Frist as the brash new Majority
Leader.  And although viewer polls rate the move a winner, they disagree on the appeal of
a current subplot involving the invasion of a Middle Eastern nation and the destruction of
its weapons of mass destruction.

"It's a bit over the top," complains Sharon Corwin, a stay-at-home mom.  "This guy says
one thing, the other guys says the exact opposite – at what point do they declare war?
They're dragging it out.  Where's the payoff?"

Echoing that sentiment, florist Pauline Bart says although Frist adds the right amount of
spice, the storyline is getting old.  "This Estrada Filibuster – I mean, they're reading
from a phone book.  How un-original."

Increased salary demands, however, may signal the unthinkable end of "Senate Session",
says entertainment attorney Perry Douglas, Jr.

"Senators Kennedy and Boxer are firm in saying that they will not stand to be treated like
some 'civil servant'", said Douglas.  "They believe they are irreplaceable, which seems to
be the case...C-SPAN needs to decide where there priorities are at."

That's where newly appointed programming director Kelly Ferguson steps in.  Ferguson, 19,
recently completed a two-year internship at the successful Music Television Network (MTV),
but was lured away with the promise of a more vibrant look and feel to the network.

"Kelly has some very keen views on the world," said Suarez.  "She believes it's time for
C–SPAN to 'youthen' up, and believe me, it will."

Coming Tuesday: A very special episode of "Senate Session".  Senator Biden reveals he has
a bad gall bladder.  Rip Taylor guest stars.
by Dirk McQuickly
© Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 05:37:51 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: War protesters

When I got on my train, there were protesters on the train platform handing
out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't
you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband
died in France during World War II so you could have the right to
stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again,
I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers
and the young protester was at a total loss for words.

GOD BLESS AMERICA....Support Our Troops!

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 07:20:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Renting Movies.....

A blonde decides to do something wild, something she's never done
before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.She goes
to the video store and after looking around for a while she selects a
title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but
static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just
rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but
"I'm terribly sorry madam, we've had problems with some of those tapes.
Which title did you rent?"
"It's called, "Head Cleaner."

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 07:02:44 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Rumination

The stereotype that women aren't as good as men
at math is unfortunately true.  I can't tell
you how many times I've tried to strike up a
conversation with a cute girl by pointing out
that my telephone number is also a prime number,
yet not one of them has ever come home with me.
(Brad Hamer)
"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom."
                ~General George S. Patton

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 09:06:40 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Kissing

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his
manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is
this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."


A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple
next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well


"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."

"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big
kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"

"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."


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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 07:45:49 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: SUNDAY ~ March 30th ~ National Doctors' Day (Poss Insulting to Medical Students)

On this date in 1842, Dr. Crawford Long of Jefferson, Georgia, first used
ether to save a patient from discomfort during surgery. Today, give a red
carnation to your doctor as a thanks for modern medicine.

Percentile  --  Performance Descriptor

99  Magnificent
98  Superlative
93  Extraordinarily Strong
88  Notable
83  Wonderful
80  Terrific, radiant, and humble
78  Accomplished
75  Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory
70  Well read
65  Capable
60  Intermittent
55  Well above the mean
50  Strong
45  Hearty
40  Friendly
35  Well groomed
30  Attentive and respectful
25  Pleasant
20  Punctual
15  Imminently about to blossom
12  Present and fully continent of all excreta
10  Normocephalic and nonfelonious
8   Claudicative
6   English speaking
5   Ambulatory
3   Respirating and well perfused
1   Charmingly fresh in outlook
0   Eukaryotic and possibly diploid

Henry Schneiderman, MD
JAMA 1988; 259(1):87
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 18:32:40 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Its a sin <adult, off.  to the religious>

A man went to a priest, 'I think of my lovely sister a lot. Is that a
'Oh yes', said the priest, 'considering you havin' two nice brothers as

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 08:57:54 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Treat her royally!

Like a lot of married men, I got the "You just don't appreciate me" speech
once from Grams.

I promised to treat her royally for the remainder of the day.

I took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert. She's
never mentioned it since.

[From Richard Sissel]

Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Platinum - Watch CBS' NCAA March Madness, live on your desktop!

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 14:13:16 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Disk operating system

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I was a computer-savvy student, so the high school librarian called me
to her office complaining of a computer crash.  While booting up the
computer, I asked her what she had done immediately prior to the crash.
"I just erased some files that were taking up memory space," she replied
matter-of-factly.  "There was one big one that the Spanish teacher, Senor
Dobias must have put on there.  I think it was called DOS."

Get 25MB of email storage with Lycos Mail Plus!
Sign up today -- http://www.mail.lycos.com/brandPage.shtml?pageId=plus

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 12:52:23 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Old People's pickup lines:

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place=20
like...where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too=20
much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire=20
pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about=20
coming home with me and... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 2003 01:04:33 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  "The Core"  Hilary Swank takes scientists to the center of the earth to fix its
haywire electromagnetic field.  The plan is to get down there, jiggle it, and yell up,
"Did that do anything?"

2)  Daylight saving time:  You lose an hour of sleep the first Sunday in April.  But you
get it back the next day at your desk.

3)  Our troops:  They're doing well in the ratings.  Wait, if they're the stars, shouldn't
they get a cut of the profits?

4)  Saddam Hussein:  There's no way to tell if he's dead or alive from his television
appearances.  Kind of like Alan Greenspan.

5)  Michael Moore:  What gives liberal entertainers the right to push their wacky views on
the public?  Everyone knows only conservative radio hosts are allowed to do that.

6)  Tiger Woods:  After vomiting 20 to 30 times from food poisoning from homecooked pasta,
he still won the Bay Hill Invitational by 11 strokes.  Nike will start selling Tiger
Woods' At-Home E-Z Pasta next month.

7)  "Rudy" James Woods plays the former NYC mayor.  He really nails the comb-over.

8)  Joe Millionaire:  He and Zora have called it quite.  Seems they didn't like the same
reality shows.

9)  April Fools' Day:  The one day each year dedicated to lies and deceit.  Or as
politicians like to call it, just another day.

10)  "Final Flight of the Osiris"  The nine-and-a-half-minute computer-generated short is
in theaters priming the audience for "The Matrix Reloaded".  Some people even stay to see

11)  Toad the Wet Sprocket:  Band members may go solo again after their latest reunion
tour.  Which should free up their schedules for another reunion tour.

12)  "Chicago"  The movie musical danced off with six Academy Awards, including Best
Picture.  Had the votes actually been tallied in Chicago, it would have had all 13.

13)  "Head of State"  Chris Rock and Bernie Mac run for office.  If they win, it won't be
the first time two clowns have been elected.

14)  Roman Polanski:  The fugitive long shot won Best Director for The Pianist.  He didn't
even see the show--his date wanted to watch "SpongeBob".

15)  Harvey Weinstein:  He was so happy with "Chicago" he wants to make more musicals.
He's having a bunch of happy, snappy show tunes written for "Gangs of New York".

        [ Copyright © 2003 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc. ]

        New Military Technology

Military technology has evolved tremendously since the 1991 Gulf War.  What new equipment
is debuting in the current conflict?

•  M-17 Hut-Crusher

•  C-140 BDU six-pocket "Mother of all Pants"

•  Hummer reconfigured for military use

•  GBU-28 "Ziggurat Zapper" bomb

•  S-47 rifle-mounted Media Silencer

•  US-11 poison-gas-releasing Uncle Sam effigy

•  Chickenhawk VII meat-seeking cruiser missile

•  STOG-45 sergeant-grade Motivational Chomping Cigar

•  M-220 anti-men-without-shoes-and-weapons laser

        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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