Digest for Saturday, March 29, 2003

There are 13 messages totalling 537 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Living it Up in the Last Days of Saddam
  2. "Soggy" Sweat
  3. FRENCH.....
  4. FOND MEMORIES
  5. Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created
  6. Parking gadget
  7. Broom Factory
  8. SATURDAY ~ March 29th ~ Coca-Colas Birthday
  9. n awful pun.
  10. unday Homily at the Church Of Chuckles
  11. orm 1040
  12. his Weeks Horoscopes


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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 02:02:38 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Living it Up in the Last Days of Saddam

BAGHDAD, IRAQ- Hussein had told supporters that he plans to "party like it's 1991" until
the very last moment of his regime, and last evening he proved that he meant business.
The palace-rocking shin-dig, dubbed "the mother of all blowouts," began in the late
afternoon and does not show any signs of stopping until coalition forces officially
capture the capital city.

Partygoers palace-hopped from one compound to another, drinking bootleg liquor and dancing
the night away.  There were dancers, kegs, fine roasted lambs and, of course, random
amputations.

Things reportedly got really crazy when the stripper arrived.  As the brassy music blared,
the young woman revealed the area slightly above her ankle to the hoots and catcalls of
the menfolk.  Unfortunately, one of the men became slightly aroused, so she had to be
killed.  Normally, slaying the entertainment would drain the energy out of a party.  Such
was not the case at Baghdad's hottest hot spot.  In compliance with direct orders,
revelers continued their reveling.

"Not just anybody would decapitate a stripper for a friend," said long-time chum and
bioweapons fetishist Ali Hassan Majid.  "That's the kind of guy Saddam is.  He's the
best."

"It's nice to see Saddam Loosen up a little," said third wife and first cousin Sajida
Khairallah Telfah.  "He's been so tense recently."

After the party wound down a bit Thursday evening, Hussein and a few of his top advisors
gathered in a small room in the palace to sit and chat.  According to reports, the Iraqi
President was quite emotional, even downright sentimental about the end of his era at the
top of Iraqi politics.

"You know, I look back on it now and I think maybe I focused too much on the torturing and
beheading.  I had a pretty sweet deal here for more than twenty years and I guess I blew
it.  I wish we had spent less time brutally cultivating resentment among our people and
more time sitting around drinking beer and watching TV."

Feeling the geniality of the moment, one of Hussein's top aides tried to tell a joke.  "Of
course, it would be nice if Tarik would change the channel from CNN once in a while.  I
mean, we don't need to be constantly reminded that we're friggin' doomed.  Am I right?"

Hussein laughed genially, then ordered the man disemboweled.

"This is nice.  Hanging out and enjoying one another.  I'm just saying that I wish we had
done more of that."

Hussein's supporters nodded in agreement.

"I know it looks bad right now, but you know what?  I wouldn't change a thing," said the
dictator, on the edge of weeping.  "I love you guys."
__
© 2002 ridiculopathy.com

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 00:59:59 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: "Soggy" Sweat

I also yearn for the days of true wit and nose-thumbing in political speech,
nowhere better exemplified than in the speech Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr.
delivered to the Mississippi House, April 4, 1952. The "Whiskey Speech," a
legend of Southern politics, was originally presented by the late Judge N.
S. (Soggy) Sweat, Jr. of Corinth, Mississippi, when he ran for governor of
that state during the Prohibition Era.  He had managed to get through most
of his campaign without taking a stand on the "whiskey issue," until he was
finally confronted during a rally.  There are truncated versions and
inaccurate renditions on the Web, here's the real thing:

I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular
time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the
contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how
fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about
whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey.

If when you say whiskey you mean the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the
bloody monster, that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths
of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian
man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the
bottomless pit of degradation, and despair, and shame and helplessness, and
hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.

But if when you say whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the
philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together,
that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips, and the warm
glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean
the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman's step on a
frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify
his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while,
life's great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows; if you mean that drink,
the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars,
which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our
blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm; to build highways
and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it.

This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 07:53:27 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: FRENCH.....

A friend of mine is an officer in the Marine Corps. A few weeks ago,
He was  attending a conference that included admirals in both the US
and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found
himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the
two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas
Europeans learned many languages. Americans only learned English. He
then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English during these
conferences rather than you have to speak French?" Without even
hesitating, the American admiral replied, "Maybe it is because we
arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."
The group became silent.

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 07:20:26 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: FOND MEMORIES

From Diane:

FOND MEMORIES

This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park....


He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of
years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.As the meal went on,
he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to
ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered.  "Yes. Yes,
I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places.Next morning, he was troubled.Did she say 'yes' or did she
say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not
even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.First, he explained
to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.  Then he reviewed the
lovely evening past.  As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of
her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say
'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Deja meow: memories from your cat's previous lives

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 07:22:11 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

London
A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a
midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned.
Wedged into a two-seater, a near-naked man was
suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his
woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor
writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman
tried to summon help by honking the horn with her
foot. A doctor, ambulanceman, firemen and a group of
passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in
Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath
200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr.
Brian Richards. "To free the couple, firemen had
to cut away the car frame," he added. The distraught
woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed,
"'How am I going to explain to my husband what has
happened to his car?"
---
Rules Every Woman Should Live By
Find them
Feed them
F*ck them
Forget them
            ~Victoria

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 17:58:24 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created <male bashing>

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

10.. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden
because he would not ask for directions.

9.. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand
him the TV remote.

8.. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig
leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for
him.

7.. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist
or haircut appointment for himself.

6.. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to
put the garbage on the curb.

5.. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be
able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4.. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his
tools.

3.. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God
caught him hiding in the garden.

2.. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1.. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched
His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 08:17:14 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Parking gadget

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at
the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in
the crowded parking lot.  Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to
locate my vehicle easily.
  "Wow," the woman said.  "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me
find my car."
  "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."



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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 11:28:58 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Broom Factory

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom
factory.  After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc.  He called her into his office, "But
why?" he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all,"  she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had
this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have
it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not
only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as
well."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 15:49:27 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: SATURDAY ~ March 29th ~ Coca-Cola's Birthday <Adult>

John Pemberton, an Atlanta pharmacist, concocted Coca-Cola on March 29th and
introduced it to the public on May 8th, 1886.

OLYMPIC SWIMMERS
This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new
girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly
disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in
exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim
light. His beautifully developed muscles tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp
glisten with little beads of sweat as he lies beside her.  She's really
pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the
lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass
and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep
breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed,
climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.  Then he
vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the
gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of
the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the
other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same
blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see What kind
of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the
effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual
on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part,
the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I
think I need to try some of your tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces
herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like
Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under
the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted member of
the Australian relay team!!
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 20:40:54 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: an awful pun.

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The
clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No," she replied, "just up to my chin."

Richard [Sissel]

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 00:40:18 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday Homily at the Church Of Chuckles  <adult, prob. blasphemous>

[a different version of an old joke]


A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the
19th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham
Young, the founder of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the
Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to
Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian
religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously in anger, she says......

Woman: "You ought to be hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."






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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 23:41:00 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Form 1040

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 2003 01:34:05 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
   You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your
coffin is flown back.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
   It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of
Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
   You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio
River to give you invincibility.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
   Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new
president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
   They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't
all that important and it's been almost 14 years.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
   You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one
apart and study her in minute detail.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
   Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after
you see a man who has no feet.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
   Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how
General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
   About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power
tools, money, and gasoline.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
   Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away
for as long as the law allows.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
   The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement
home for a reason.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
   Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you
much time for the big joys.


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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