Digest for Friday, March 28, 2003

There are 14 messages totalling 578 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Enlarge Your Tax Refund Naturally!
  2. Hollands Flag
  3. Strikin Back.... Yall!
  4. Latest War Report
  5. The Rite way
  6. Good news and bad news
  7. Homesick
  8. FRIDAY ~ March 28th ~ Ambulance Service Birthday
  9. First-Aid
  10. This just in from Iraq
  11. Dessert To My Mind
  12. US Armed Forces Now Officially "Iraqi Peoples Liberation Army"
  13. Statement by the President
  14. Taxes


Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 02:02:26 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Enlarge Your Tax Refund Naturally!

Washington D.C. - The IRS warned that a new Internet spam-scam, which promises bigger tax
refunds and less work by using pre-filled tax forms, is not legitimate, and could land tax
filers in jail.

Director of IRS Press Relations, Rudy Kapnick, said, "As we near the crunch of tax day
many people start to feel the pressure, and these e-mail messages promising a way out
become much more attractive.  Sure they'll cut down on your work, but most of the time
these pre-filled forms are obvious frauds.  Unless you honestly have $500 million in
mortgage interest deductions and only $10 in income then you'll be headed to Leavenworth."

Many people are unaware that the forms are illegal: "It was awesome.  I got like this
$15,000 deduction for mortgage interest.  I don't even own a house," laughed one victim of
the scam.

"I was a bit suspicious," said Heather Bopark who was also duped, "but they sent me a 1040
free of charge.  It looked good enough for government work to me, so I mailed that puppy."

Kapnick released one of the sample e-mail messages so citizens can be on the lookout:

        From: Sav-u-money!
        Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 2:31 PM
        To: Everyone (everyone@everyone.com)

                We've already got your taxes done!!!!!!!

        That's right!  NO messy paper work, NO receipts to save, NOTHING!
        We guarantee that if we don't triple your refund from last year then
        you'll get your money back.

        Don't be fooled by other pre-filled form "specialists."  We don't use
        last year's tax forms like the other guys.  We take the time to get to
        know you.  Every pre-filled tax form is completely customized to your
        personal needs based on 3 easy-to-answer questions:

        •  What is your name and address?
        •  What is your social security number?
        •  What is the amount of refund you got last year times three?

        Personal and corporate editions available!!!!!!

        Listen to these endorsements from our happy customers:

                "Last year I had to pay $500 on tax day, now
                I'm getting $35,000 back!!!!!!  I love the pre-filled
                tax forms!!!!!!!!!!"

                "I spent $30 for the pre-filled forms, and got $1200
                back on my taxes.  That's an investment I'm willing to make."

        Only $30.  Call 1-800-TAX-FORM, now!

        The first 500 people to order their pre-filled tax forms get a
        Get Out Of Jail Free card.

        •  Pre-filled tax forms are not endorsed by the IRS.  •
        •  PFTF2000 Inc. has no affiliation with Willie Nelson  •

The IRS also cautioned against pre-filled forms that many students are downloading off of
file sharing networks like Kazaa, but many students are ignoring the warnings.  "Dude, I
just downloaded a ton of tax forms ," said Kyle Grenshaw at Duke University.  "I'm not
going to have to do my taxes for the next 50 years.  Screw the RIAA!"

Kapnick stressed that while filling out the forms may be tedious and boring there are
legal alternatives to pre-filled forms that can save you time and money.  "I use the
Psychic Tax Hotline where Lady Veronica reads my mind and fills out the forms for me at
only $3.95/minute.  That's cheaper than that CPA I used to use, and I just have to think
about my receipts not actually find them."
by Brian Briggs
(C) 1999-2003 BBspot LLC

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 01:37:08 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Hollands Flag

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands
flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we
talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 05:02:44 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Strikin' Back.... Y'all!


By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes.
Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their
Northern cousins:


- You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

- You don't know what applique is.

- You don't know anyone with at least two first names.
   (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba
    Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

- You don't have doilies and you certainly don't know
   how to make one.

- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

- You can do your laundry without quarters.

- None of your fur coats are homemade.

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 13:34:33 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Latest War Report

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have
swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher Mohammed
Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US
President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming
evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 06:02:41 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Rite way

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his
Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they
were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held
out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with
him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had
never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to
come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly," Jesus
died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 04:53:26 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Good news and bad news

[From Lee Sissel on insomniacs]

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news
and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 10:30:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Homesick

A travelling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when
his trip is suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was
already getting bored there and over the course of the extra
month he becomes very homesick.

Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local
brothel. He walks up to the madam and hands her a
hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."

The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the
best blowjob."

"No, no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny,
I'm homesick."


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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 08:55:49 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: FRIDAY ~ March 28th ~ Ambulance Service Birthday

The first hospital ambulance service began operating in 1866.

1) Attorney
2) Airway

1) Bank Account
2) Billing
3) Breathing

1) Cash on Hand
2) Checking Account
3) Credit Cards
4) Court Date
5) Circulation

If an unconscious patient is encountered, follow the sequence below:

1) Shake patient and ask: "Annie, Annie, are you insured?"

2) If no response, position patient to open pockets. (Listen for loose
change while positioning patient)

3) Extend neck. Open mouth and look for gold fillings. ( If time allows,
check airway.)

4) Palpate neck for gold chains and necklaces. Note: Carotid pulse may be an
incidental finding.

5) Palpate pocket for wallet. (Tell bystanders you are checking for femoral

6) If uninsured, call for help immediately.

7) Traditional CPR is optional at this point.

8) If no response to CPR, proceed to ACLS
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 08:02:28 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: First-Aid

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when
he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground
unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he
lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her
wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The
gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy
takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and
slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he
begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her
nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's
hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me,
how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there
kept shouting, "Rubber balloons .....  Rubber

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 20:42:46 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: This just in from Iraq

<META content="MSHTML 6.00.2800.1141" name=GENERATOR></HEAD>
<BODY><FONT face=Arial><FONT face="Times New Roman"><FONT face=Arial>News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped in on an Iraqi elementary School</FONT> </FONT>and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.  Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a t-square and a calculator.
<DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV>US President George W. Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.</DIV></FONT></BODY></HTML>

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 00:09:44 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Dessert To My Mind

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."
- Louis Nizer (1902 -1994)

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing rivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul."
- David Lloyd George

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."
- Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man
I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker fore-bears,
but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston
(about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." - Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

On hearing that Randolph Churchill's suspected cancer was after
all benign, Evelyn Waugh said: "For the first time in his life,
something about Randolph isn't malignant."

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 21:39:17 -0800
From:    Misnomeration <misnomeration@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: US Armed Forces Now Officially "Iraqi People's Liberation Army"

[De-Spin Zone, Kuwait, 3/28/2003] President of the new, democratically elected Iraqi government, Mr. al Richard bin Graham, announced here today in his first press conference that the US amred forces will be known as the Iraqi People's Liberation Army (IPLA) from now on.

When asked how he was democratically elected, Mr. bin Graham said, in perfect Dixie English: "That's not what Ay'm here to tawlk abawt todie."

When pressed further, Mr. bin Graham said:"We have an electo'al cawllege system ye see. If ye wanna know the details, I'd have to refer you to President Bush, who's the unrefutable top expert on this topic. (Glance down at the podium) Uhhh...Dick? It's the script ya know... (laughter)"

Mr. bin Graham's spokesman, Mr. al Ari bin Fleischer, soon took over the questions. He quickly dismissed the fact that the widely expected outpouring of love and support to IPLA from Iraqi people has found little resonance with reality.

"Did we say WHEN the welcome will come?" He thundered, "NO! Of course not! Give it some time. It takes time for such poorly educated Arabic 'people' (quote-unquote with fingers) to see the light. After a few short generations, they'll agree."

"And if they don't," he promised, "you can come back and call me on it."

He further cited the successes of uninvited foreign military liberation in human history. "German army liberated Europe from Jewish dominance. Japanese army liberated Asia from European colonists. Soviet army liberated eastern Europe from western capitalist exploitation. Sure there was resistent and misunderstanding and regrettable collateral damages in each instance. But just look at these!"

He then proceeded to show films of French waving at nazi army, Chinese waving at Japanese army, and Czechs waving at Soviet army.

"We believe the same scenario will play out here. If this is not proof enough, then I don't know what is." Mr. bin Flescher concluded.

Fox News will dedicate the entire day's programming to show heart-warming scenes of Iraqi people welcoming IPLA. They will use this oppotunity to field test a patented, highly confidential, revolutionary new technology that does real-time translation of human speech so that audience can hear perfect English, even for lip readers, no matter what language is actually spoken.

In unrelated news, the Israeli armed forces have offically become the Israeli Army Reserve.


Can you imagine a pair of breasts, bare and full, approaching your face...at 100mph?
 -- Dr. Misnomeration

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 00:56:01 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the President

        President's Remarks To Traitorous Peacemonger Democrats:
        "Last Call To Hop On Board The Bloodwagon!  Bury Your
        Principles In Red-Hot, Shockin' Awesome War Porn!"

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 27, 2003  - 2:19 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  Today I'd like to take a five minute break from talking
about our war against Islam to focus my laserbeam of destruction on a little blood feud
we're fighting right here at home – the war between real Americans and a certain pack of
Palmolive-smooth, self-loathing, Starbucks-slurping pains in the asses.  I think we all
know who I'm talking about – every family has at least one – the Democrats.

To the handful of remaining publicly pro-peace Democrat sissies like Tom Daschle and
Lincoln Chaffee, I have these words for you: the "USA Might is Right Bloodwagon" is
leaving the station babies, so liquefy those spines, hitch up those skirts and jump on
board, or forever zip your puke chutes!  Because once I slaughter enough Iraqazoids, we're
staging one hell of a carefully-produced, Made-for-TV Arabiac Lovefest, and the only way
to score killer touchy-feely footage for your 2004 campaign commercials will be to join me
now in my sweet bubbling jacuzzi of Muslim baby guts.

To the rest of America I say this: in our new uncertain time of undeclared war, it is
essential for all scared-shitless, working-class zombies and bourgeois fascists to come to
the aide of their quasi-elected corporate masters.  Confront the peacemonger, the
Democrat, the hippy asshole who doesn't get off watching Die Hard and ask them: are you
with America, or are you a seditious fellator of uncircumcised terrorist schlong?

This country isn't strong enough to endure rabid division and debate.  Only by uniting in
a bloodthirsty orgy of blinding nationalistic purpose can we inflict selective democracy
by toppling that demonized eunuch Saddam Hussein.  I mean come on, Democraps!  You think
life is a world popularity contest?  Fuck the world.  If the world jumped off a bridge,
would you too?  If the world wanted to sacrifice short term profitability for a future of
global tranquility and ecological sustainability, would you too?  Hell, no!

Therefore, I hereby command all Americans – Republican or wrong – to tune their dials to
the FOX News Channel and absorb the relentless glory of wartime killing!  Feel your
powerless and flaccid souls engorge with blood and power as sanitized video-phone footage
of the rosy-cheeked, flag-waving GI Joes I'm killing fills every absorbent cranny of your
sponge-like brain.  War is hell, but only if you can see you're taking a beating.

You know, conservative oracle Bill O'Reilly, who hasn't stopped spewing holy truths since
he was still covered in amniotic slime, correctly believes that networks shouldn't show
war dead, because people already know how tough war can be.  I agree with him: the news is
not here to sensationalize war.  Our various corporate Ministries of Propaganda are here
to desensitize you to war.  Some knee-jerk bleeding heart snatches might call this a bad
thing.  I say – do you want your dentist tearing out a rotten molar without a nose full of
happy gas?

I submitted a prospective cost for this war to the Congress the other day.  I requested
more tax dollars to help to continue harassing Americans suspected of being "funny."  More
tax dollars to begin subsidizing the humanitarian corporations that will take over Iraq
when Pharaoh Franks finally marches into Baghdad, and more flying Killbots.

What I didn't include in that cost is the generation of young people who make up our
superior armed forces, who are being marched through sandstorms, mortars, and bullets all
because a bunch of pudgy, middle-aged chickenhawks whose only combat experience is
watching Saving Private Ryan had a paranoid brainstorm twelve years ago.  One day, while
reading the names of their dead friends on an imposing marble war memorial, that
generation will ask, "Why?"

Well sons – and brutish lezbo daughters – "why?" is hard to fully answer from high up here
atop the American pyramid of entitlement.  Perhaps if you had been born with a sterling
silver ladle in your mouth, you'd be able to understand that the close-knit group of
greedy, monacled pig men in top hats who control the world's levers of power are simply
above such mundane questions as "why?"

In closing, I sincerely hope that after we've kicked these despotic, former American
protιgι sand monkeys all over Mesopotamia, and once peace has settled on the Earth ten or
twenty years from now, my grandchildren will ask my twins – "Mommy, what was a Democrat?"

Thank you.

        [ ©2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 2003 00:16:46 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with
the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his
records.  At one point the auditor exclaimed,"Mr.
Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to
live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an
obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly
pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin
on his face from ear to ear"   "I thought you were going
to want me to pay with cash."

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