Digest for Thursday, March 27, 2003

There are 14 messages totalling 709 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Notes From An Armchair Warrior: Prelude to Battle
  2. Homeland Security question
  3. An Acute Case ...
  4. Choose your pets wisely!
  5. In the news (more relevant for Brits)
  6. Deep thoughts
  7. THURSDAY ~ March 27th ~ Drive Really, Really Fast Day
  8. The navigators answer (Possibly offensive to airline personnel)
  9. The Right-wing Christian Dictionary - Part 2 of 2 (possibly offensive to RWCs)
  10. tight skirt
  11. Iraqi Jokes
  12. Visual aid
  13. Vasectomy -
  14. Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle


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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 02:02:26 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Notes From An Armchair Warrior: Prelude to Battle

March 19, 2003 18:00 hours During a routine reconnaissance mission to dining room, I
manage to locate three cheeseburgers, two portions of fries and four Budweisers.  Within
ten minutes, these potential weapons of mass abdominal eruptions are effectively
neutralized.

18:30 Begin slow redeployment back towards command post in the living room.

18:53 Successful completion of eight-yard return to command post.

19:05 Channel 82 confirms solid evidence that Urkel may be engaging in activity that may
threaten the lives of others.

19:29 Urkel threat thankfully appears to have been successfully prevented without me
having to get out of my chair.

19:58 Routine surveillance of the kitchen reveals seven Twinkies, a bag of Oreos and 283
pretzels -- all of which surrender unconditionally.

20:17 False alarm.  Fear of encroaching drone actually turns out to be Joe Liebermann
giving a speech on C-SPAN.

20:35 Six bags of Cheetos, three Budweisers and nine Hershey bars make surprise attack
within my field of operation.  They are seized immediately.

21:06 Pressed the remote 607 times in the last hour.  Fingers are already beginning to
show the strains of battle before the first shot has even been fired.

22:00 After months of squirming, wiggling and fidgeting in my chair the President gives
the go-ahead for war.  Time to order a pizza.
__
Copyright © 2003 Chortler.com

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 01:41:47 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Homeland Security question

To: Dept. of Homeland Security

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you for further instructions as to what the next
step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible
attacks by terrorists.

I have my duck taped....now what?

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 05:04:01 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: An Acute Case ...

... of Martha Stewart Disease!


Here are a few signs that you may be in need of professional help:

You serve wine to your guests in conch shells.

You serve entrees in an attractive real bird's nest you found
in a nearby forest.

You make your own Jell-O from calves' hooves rather than buy
the powdered stuff.

You decorate your cakes with pieces of ceramic, bundles of
chiffon, buttons, marbles and other inedible stuff because
"it looks so pretty."

You've macramed yourself a computer cozy from yarn, recycled
plastic and pop-top rings.

You've smeared the walls with yogurt so that over time a natural-
looking greenish mold will grow, giving your home the fashionably
distressed look of an ancient Greek temple.

You sleep outside the house, in a tent, so that you don't spoil
your perfectly made bed.

All of the grass in your front yard is French braided.

Each and every flower in the back yard is wrapped in raffia
and sports a shiny red bow.

Before you go to bed at night, you spend hours on your hobby
farm putting the wool on your sheep's bodies in hot rollers,
so they will look more fluffy and glamorous than the neighbor's.


        (from MsKitty)




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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 06:33:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Choose your pets wisely!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
belowwill have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up  to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds
prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed
lying on his back looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you
want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually
think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get
two boys!" I reminded her,(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the
miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my
wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay,
okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when  it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest
daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(Do you see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he
murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going
to  be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
hamster is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's  just...just...Excited?",
my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I
demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now
running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in
laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian andhurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

NEVER DREAMED THE WOMAN I"D BEEN MARRIED TO FOR SOOO LONG COULD BE
SOOOO COLD HEARTED

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 11:56:17 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: In the news (more relevant  for Brits)

From Sky News.....

"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister

Geoff Hoon said in The Commons yesterday.

"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm

Qasr" says a British Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr. Another soldier

added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at

us. It's more like Portsmouth."


Squiffy  - :o)
Exercise those chuckle muscles -
http://www.btinternet.com/~squiffyshouseoffun

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 06:18:33 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Deep thoughts

1.  Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
    pants.

2.  Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3.  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
    "Implants?"

4.  I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up
    fast.

5.  Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6.  I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7.  I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
    moaner.

8.  If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9.  Snowmen fall from Heaven ... unassembled.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*thead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
    person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
    naked?

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
    days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
    50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
    peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
    words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 05:45:35 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: THURSDAY ~ March 27th ~ Drive Really, Really Fast Day

This day celebrates the 1940 birthday of Cale Yarborough, who won 83 auto
races during his career, the most ever. He's also the only racer in NASCAR
history to win three straight Winston Cup titles (1976-78). He also holds
the record for scoring the most poles in a season (14 in 1980). And,
finally, in 1977, he started and finished every Winston Cup race, a feat no
one else has yet accomplished.

SLOWING TRAFFIC
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway.  As time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.  The traffic was so heavy and so fast
that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.  So
one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something
about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said:
SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers.  The 'school crossing' sign seems to make
them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up.  So the farmer called and called and called
everyday for three weeks.  Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."  He was going to
let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling.
Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to
go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and
look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to
slow down more drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was
a whole sheet of plywood.  Written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW - NUDIST COLONY
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 06:15:57 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The navigator's answer (Possibly offensive to airline personnel)

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed
it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know
what I use this for?"

The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."

Richard [Sissel]

__________________________________________________
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Yahoo! Platinum - Watch CBS' NCAA March Madness, live on your desktop!
http://platinum.yahoo.com

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 10:30:46 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Right-wing Christian Dictionary - Part 2 of 2 (possibly offensive to RWC's)

Hate Crimes --
Do not exist.  Just another lie from "militant radical homosexual
activists."

Heterosexuals --
Never used.  Assumed to be everyone on earth, except for tiny
number of "militant radical homosexual activists."

Hollywood --
The source of all evil in Western Civilization.  Controlled either
by Disney, feminists, liberals, and "militant radical homosexual
activists" or Time / Warner when a new rap album is released. Also
known as "Mystery Babylon" and "the pit of Hell."

Homosexuals --
Tiny minority of "militant radical activists" seeking special
rights, hiring quotas and the destruction of The Family.  Recent
phenomena signaling The End Is Near.

Judicial system --
Varying definitions.  When ruling against you, the courts are a
sneaky way of subverting the "will of the people."  Otherwise, a
perfectly acceptable way of enforcing God's Will.

Materialism --
Does not exist; therefore, not an issue.  Massive personal wealth
among leaders of organizations you support is further evidence of
"God's favor."

Media --
No such thing.  Always "liberal, secular, biased media."
Responsible for teenage pregnancy, illiteracy, sexual addictions,
earthquakes, and the breakdown of The Family.

Militant --
Never applied to political positions you agree with. Militant pro-
lifers, militant pro-family-ists, and militant Christians are a
contradiction in terms.

Persecution --
Suffered if your position on an issue is actively opposed.
Examples of "persecution" include investigative journalistic
reporting, any lawsuit filed against a church organization by the
ACLU, or being yelled at by people you have harassed by fax or
phone or misrepresented in your fund-raising materials.

Physician --
Any doctor, except those who perform abortions.  Physicians who
perform abortions are "abortionists."  See "baby-killer."

Radical --
Applied to anyone who disagrees with you.  Thus, "radical"
homosexuals, "radical" feminists, "radical" environmentalists.
Right-wing Christians are not radical, they are "committed" and
"focused."

Republican --
See "God."

Social engineering (syn. social experimentation) --
Term for the "activist agendas" of political opponents.  Opposite
is the "natural God-given plan" as defined only by right-wing
Christians.

"Special" rights --
Applied only to gay and lesbian Americans.  Refers to marriage,
adoption and other rights automatically granted to heterosexuals.

Supreme Court --
"Activist" when ruling against you.  But "evidence of the mighty
hand of God" when ruling in your favor or when Clarence Thomas is
admitted to the bench.

Supreme Court appointments --
Varying definitions.  A presidential right, if president is
Republican.  Called "stacking the court" if president is Democrat.

Ten Percent --
A lie about the percentage of the population that is gay or lesbian
popularized by "militant radical homosexual activists," when in
fact Right-wing Christian organizations have "proven" the figure is
closer to one percent.  How one percent of the population is
responsible for The Destruction Of The Family is never clearly
explained.  See "Avoiding Difficult Questions."

"Will of the people" --
Used only when the public votes your way.  Acceptable method of
denying constitutional rights of minorities.  Never used when
public opinion is against you (i.e. abortion, doctor-assisted
suicide, etc.).

Women --
See "wives," "mothers," or "homemakers."  No other definition
available.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 07:51:47 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: tight skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful youngwoman who was  =
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and =
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight =
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. =
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking =
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried =
to make the step only to  discover she still couldn't. So, a little more =
embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a =
little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once =
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little =
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and =
again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who =
was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her =
gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the =
would-be Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even =
know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally =
I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I =
kinda figured we was friends.

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 20:08:50 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Iraqi Jokes <Offensive to Iraqis>

What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... B-2

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Bother! said Pooh, and nuked Iraq!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 19:10:01 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Visual aid

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  When my brother decided to have a talk with my 12-year-old nephew about
sex, he wanted to be thorough.  So my brother made sketches as he explained
things to his son.
  When finished, my brother asked if there were any questions.  "Yeah, Dad,"
my nephew replied.  "Can I keep this piece of paper?"




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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 21:57:59 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Vasectomy - <offensive to hillbillys and other Southerners>

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple
decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put
it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my
ear is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1



2



3




4



5



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia

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Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 2003 01:40:41 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle

IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on
Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his
own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack.

"Bush is the real deal, and when he talks about fighting for freedom, he means it," said
Pvt. Tom Scharpling, 21.  "He'd never ask one of us grunts to take any risks for our
country that he wasn't willing to take himself."

According to reports from the front, many of the soldiers were initially suspicious of the
president, doubtful that an Ivy Leaguer who once used powerful family connections to avoid
service in Vietnam had what it took to face enemy fire head-on.  However, Bush—or, as his
fellow soldiers nicknamed him in a spirit of battlefield camaraderie, 'Big Tex'—quickly
overcame the platoon's reluctance to having a "fancy-pants Yalie" in its ranks.

"Bush is the best soldier I've ever had the honor of fighting alongside," said Pvt. Jon
Benjamin, 23.  "I'd take a bullet for that man, because I know he'd take one for me if he
had to."

Proving himself a worthy foot soldier, Bush has earned the respect of his fellow
front-line combatants with acts of courage and heroism that one soldier called "a truly
inspiring example of one man's commitment to the cause of liberty."

"Just yesterday, George stormed an Iraqi machine-gun nest when our sergeant took one in
the belly," Pvt. Scott "Lumpy" Fellers, 20, told reporters.  "We were pinned down, cut off
from our division, and it looked like curtains for us all.  Thankfully, George was there.
He ran through heavy artillery fire and lobbed a grenade right into their bunker.  If it
hadn't been for him, God knows how many of us would've been coming home in body bags."

"It's not just any president who would risk his life like the nation's men in uniform do,"
Fellers added.  "God bless him and everything he stands for."

Bush's courage, sources say, was evident from the earliest stages of the war's planning.
Though the Pentagon initially wanted an air war with minimal ground combat, Bush quickly
dismissed this strategy, insisting that the only way a true and lasting victory could be
achieved was to go in and fight—dune by dune, village by village—until Iraq was finally
free.

White House sources say Bush's decision to place his own life on the line for his country
met with resistance from top military leaders.

"The Joint Chiefs of Staff kept telling him, 'Mr. President, we beg you—stay here in
Washington, where it's safe.' But George was having none of it," said Maj. Gen. Buford
Blount, commander of the 3rd Infantry.  "He was adamant that if our boys overseas were
going to risk their lives for liberty, he was going to do the same.  And, by God, he
proved himself a man of his word."

The president has only been in battle for less than a week, but he has already proven
himself more than willing to put himself in the line of fire.

"The president carried me through an enemy minefield after my arm had been blown off by a
mortar shell, blazing away with his pistol as he delivered me to safety," Pvt. Chris Adair
said.  "Then, after he'd gotten me to a medic, he went all the way back through that same
minefield—carrying a 40-pound bag of ice the whole way—to retrieve my severed arm so the
doctors could sew it back on.  Now, thanks to President Bush, I'll still be able to play
piano for the church choir back home in Appleton, just like I promised Grandma.  He is
truly an American hero."

Adair's comments were echoed by many of the soldiers fighting alongside Bush.

"I used to be cynical about politicians who are born into privilege and wealth.  I
thought, 'Sure, they talk a good game about our duty to protect democracy, but when push
comes to shove, they'd rather send off the nation's poor, uneducated, and underprivileged
to do the fighting for them,'" said Pvt. Frank Elkins, 19.  "I always figured they'd
rather see somebody else die in some foreign land than make that sacrifice themselves.
But now I know I was wrong."

"There may be some folks out there, born silver spoon in hand, who'd act that way, but
that ain't Bush.  No, that ain't Bush," Elkins said.  "He ain't no fortunate son."


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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