Digest for Wednesday, March 26, 2003

There are 13 messages totalling 650 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Struggling Retailers Launch "War Sales"
  2. A Day in the Life of a Russian Cosmonaut
  3. Pro-Life
  4. A Great Arm.....
  5. WEDNESDAY ~ March 26th ~ Lifeboat Patented
  6. Mid-life for ladies
  7. The Shipwreck
  8. The Right-wing Christian Dictionary - Part 1 of 2 (possibly offensive to RWCs)
  9. Presidential Dilemma
  10. Remember this?
  11. Is there a poltergeist in YOUR double-wide?
  12. Part time
  13. Radio Address by the President


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 02:02:53 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Struggling Retailers Launch "War Sales"

        Target, Wal-Mart hope Middle East conflict leads to profits

As the nation's economy continues to struggle, at least two major retail chains are
implementing wartime sales.  Wal-Mart, the country's largest retailer, and rival Target
are both beginning their sales immediately, to coincide with the U.S. led attack on Iraq.

Wal-Mart will lower prices on all items, and offer layaway on all American-made products,
regardless of the cost of the item.  In addition, prices for items made in non-allied
countries will not be lowered, according to company spokesperson Andrew Morton.

"While Wal-Mart will still continue to carry many well-crafted items that are manufactured
in countries that do not support the U.S. war, these items will not enjoy the
price-reduction and layaway status of our American-made products."

Target will offer discounts on all red, white, or blue items, regardless of what the item
is.  For example, a blue golf shirt will retail for $11.99, while the same shirt in tan
will retail for $16.99.

Said Target spokesperson Kate Miller, "Anything Target can do to promote red, white, and
blue is going to be done.  Our entire company is behind this war, and more importantly,
this sale."

Both retailers declined to say how long the sales will last, but anticipate a decisive
victory for the U.S. troops.  "As long as our men and women are fighting tyranny in the
Middle East, Wal-Mart will slash prices on all American-made items."

Target's sale will be promoted as "Operation Desert Store", while Wal-Mart has opted for
"Operation Enduring Low-Cost"
__
Copyright © 2003 Doug Small / The Blue Brick

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 02:22:46 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: A Day in the Life of a Russian Cosmonaut

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's
atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way
out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic,
very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged from head to
foot and sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching
him as he lay in his cot. "Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep
sense of resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay."

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 05:15:04 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Pro-Life  <adult, poss. off.>

Safeguarding the Rights of Fetus-Americans


I see there is going to be another abortion vote in Congress, but I can't
say I'm very excited about it. Sure, I'm pro-life and I think life begins
when the the sperm cells are made. That's why I never spill my seed upon the
ground. I keep it in dixie cups in my freezer. Every one of those little
sperms has the potential to become the President of the United States or
even a fiddle player like Charley Daniels. But, I'm getting off track.

The reason I'm not excited about new legislation limiting abortion is
because I think we have too many laws as it is. There has to be a better way
to do it. We've been very successful so far giving Fetus-Americans the same
rights as the rest of us. The US Department of Health and Human Services now
officially calls them "unborn children" and gives them all the rights
regular children have. It's a good start. We can finish the job by giving
them the ultimate right: the ability to exercise their Second Amendment
rights in defense of their lives.

Yes, I think it's time to arm Fetus-Americans. It's the only way we'll ever
be able to guarantee their safety. No anti-abortion law will do it. The
fetus' hosts will just go into a back alley if it's illegal; however, if you
arm that fetus, no back alley abortionist is going to dare to go messing
around in there. An armed Fetus-American is a safe Fetus American.

Sure, it won't be easy. Fetus-Americans aren't very smart. They touch
themselves inappropriately. They don't see very well, and they have a hard
time controlling their movements. They're going to need a lot of training.
The NRA is very good at this kind of thing. Their Eddy the Eagle program for
children is outstanding. I'm thinking they could use the lessons they've
learned there to create a Ziggy the Zygote program. They'll have those
little bastards nailing gynecologists in no time.


             - Gen. JC Christian, Patriot





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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 05:20:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Great Arm.....

The Detroit Lions coach is looking for a new quarterback. But after
scouting all the colleges, he hasn't found his man. Then one night he
sees a news clip of a Bosnian soldier hurling grenades through 15-story
windows from 200 yards away. "That guy's got an amazing arm," the coach
says to himself. "We've got to give him a tryout."

So the coach brings him to America, and a year later, with their new
Bosnian quarterback, the Lions win their first Super Bowl. After the
game the quarterback telephones his mother. "Mom," he yells, "we won
the Super Bowl! I'm famous and rich!"
"I don't want to talk to you," his mother says.
"But, Mom," the star player pleads,"I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't care," she answers. "At this moment there are gunshots all
around. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week." She pauses, then
tearfully says, "I'll never forgive you for bringing us to Detroit."

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 02:46:59 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: WEDNESDAY ~ March 26th ~ Lifeboat Patented <ADULTISH>

One version of the lifeboat was patented in 1845. (In 1790, Mr. Greathead,
the inventor of the lifeboat, first tested one at sea.)

ONLY ONE WISH
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of
the ocean.  They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of
provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.

After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation,
they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.  As it drew
near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the
genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who
said, "Ok ...  so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda.
But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite
frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here.
Make it a good one."

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the
beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"

"Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the
head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 05:43:36 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Mid-life for ladies

I'VE SEEN two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great
time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause
will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether
you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll
probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty
of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer
women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your
rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only
time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and
scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting
on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and
think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is
water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more
red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pndering the "big"
questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I
eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones
make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you
have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've
acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to
all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 05:22:17 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The Shipwreck

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is
dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit
and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit
on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is
starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

[From Richard Sissel]

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 08:43:51 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Right-wing Christian Dictionary - Part 1 of 2 (possibly offensive to RWC's)

Activist --
Anyone you disagree with.  Thus, "activist" judges, "activist"
unions, "activist" school boards, and "activist" homosexuals.

Agenda --
All political objectives you oppose.  Democrats, liberals,
feminists, gays, environmentalists have "agendas."  Right-wing
politicians have "hopes" and "dreams" and "godly plans of action."

Boycott --
God's preferred method of social change.  If the targeted
organization capitulates to a boycott, it is proof of "the power
of God to change hearts."  However, if a boycott is unsuccessful,
it proves the organization being boycotted is "hardened" and "in
the grip of the Devil."

Broken families --
Refers only to divorce and applies to ALL divorces.  Families are
never "broken" or "shattered" by bad marriages, domestic violence,
child abuse, incest, or molestation.

Career --
The greatest deception ever perpetrated upon women by "radical
feminists" and one of the primary causes for The Breakdown Of The
Family.  Careers for women are "destructive" and "unfulfilling"
compared to full-time child-rearing and home education.  Women who
attempt to balance family and career are seen as "shirking their
God-given responsibility" and are responsible for creating another
"generation without values."

Civil rights --
The concept of equal legal rights; applies to everyone except gay
and lesbian Americans for whom equal rights become "special"
rights.

Deception --
Term describing the state of being a fellow Christian is in if
they disagree with you on a social or theological issue.  For
example, if another Christian holds views that are pro-choice,
pro-gay rights, or anti-death penalty, then they are "deceived."
If the same Christian makes a logical, reasoned argument for
their position, then they are "misled."  If the same Christian
also makes a Scriptural argument for their position, then they
are "false teachers," "rebellious," and guilty of "twisting the
Word."  See "Liberal."

Death Penalty --
A form of punishment not used often enough.  Most right-wing
Christians long for the day when this is implemented against gays
and lesbians.  (See "Compassion.")  The only time the death penalty
is not considered "God's mighty judgment" is when a death row
inmate has become a born-again Christian.  Then, the death penalty
is "unnecessary" and seen as an "impediment to further ministry"
by the inmate slated for execution.

Disney --
The main force behind The Collapse of Traditional Moral Values,
and one of society's greatest threats to The Family, second only
to gays and lesbians.  Responsible for creating and popularizing
the idea of domestic partner benefits.

Domestic partner benefits --
Given by most progressive businesses and large corporations years
before Disney offered them.  Seen as a sign of "collapsing moral
values" and as one of the largest threats to The Family.  Main
impetus for implementing The Boycott, but only against certain
companies.  See "Disney."

Domestic violence --
A mythical problem that does not affect The Family, does not
injure or kill Christian women, and is never to be addressed.

The Family --
Unit of:  heterosexual male head of household married for life to
heterosexual female homemaker, with biological home schooled
children conceived without birth control at least 9 months after
marriage in conservative Bible-believing church.  No exceptions.

Feminist --
Term (derogatory) for women not sufficiently submissive.
Responsible for:  neglected children, teenage pregnancy, unemployed
males, poor SAT scores, breakdown of The Family.

Gay/Lesbian --
Homosexual is the preferred term, as it focuses more explicitly on
sex.  With feminists and liberals, responsible for nearly all
social ills (with the possible exception of abortion).

Gay Christians --
Not possible.  Those that claim to exist are "trapped" in a state
of Deception, and are first in line for the Lake of Fire because
they "twist God's Word."  To save them, right-wing Christians must
exercise "compassion" and tell them that God wants to kill them.

God --
See "Republican".

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 08:26:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Presidential Dilemma <offensive to French>

From: Earl Adams

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered
a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that
it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor
is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth
forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States
send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country.
Many of the ships and planes you could be sending are being used to
fight the war on terror elsewhere.

As the President, you must decide:  Do you stay up late on the night
of the impact to watch the coverage live, or do you tape it and watch
it in the morning?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  When life hands you a dilemma - make dilemmanade!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 07:37:28 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Remember this?

      The following were some comments made in the year 1957.

      (1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they =
are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."=20

      (2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be =
long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

      (3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A =
quarter a pack is ridiculous."

      (4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a =
dime just to mail a letter?"

      (5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to =
hire outside help at the store."

      (6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas =
would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving =
the car in the garage,"

      (7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it =
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing =
their hair as long as the girls,"

      (8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since =
they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it =
seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."

      (9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's =
possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even =
have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

      (10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a =
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me =
if someday that they will be making more than the president."

      (11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances =
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

      (12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few =
married women are having to work to make ends meet."

      (13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to =
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

      (14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood =
stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."

      (15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door =
to a whole lot of foreign business."

      (16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the =
Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are =
electing the best people to Congress."

      (17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I =
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

      (18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a =
weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

      (19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the =
hospital is too rich for my blood."

      I sure do remember all this stuff. Do I hear, "OVER THE HILL?"



      . =20
            =20
    =20

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 14:57:04 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Is there a poltergeist in YOUR double-wide?

I fear this is mostly a suggestion that you check out a fascinating
web site run by one Larry Weaver http://www.trailerghost.com/ghost/

Mr. Weaver us a dedicated paranormal researcher who specialized in
"mobile home hauntings."

Contrary to popular belief it is Florida that leads the nation
in mobile home ghost sightings rather than Valdoster, GA.

Mr. Weaver gives a set of tips for those who want to assure
that their own mobile home is ghost-free:


        SIGNS YOUR MOBILE HOME IS HAUNTED

1.
 A can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
2.
 Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.
3.
 The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.
4.
 The room is spinning, and you’re not even drunk yet.
5.
 That Camaro in your front yard isn’t on blocks - it's
 levitating by itself.

....visit the site for more tips.

--
Jim Mica  JMICA@ITHACA.EDU      (c)MMIII
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for
a hidden truth. -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 18:29:45 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Part time

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

A few years ago, my wife quit her job to be a stay-at-home mother.
Before she quit she offered to work part time. Two bosses took her
to lunch to discuss this possibility. During the lunch one boss
looked at her and said, "But you're working so hard already. I
don't understand how you'll be able to do all your work in half the
time."



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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 2003 01:31:30 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Radio Address by the President

        President's Statement Reminding Uppity Iraqasaurs To Lose
        The Inferior Arabiac Pride, Smile Pretty For The Cameras,
        And Open Wide The Doors To Christian JDAMs Of Freedom

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 26, 2003  - 10:16 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  My radio message today goes out to the great unwashed camel
people of Iraqistan.  I want to thank you all for tuning in to the station you could
previously hear before we dropped an E-bomb on your version of Katie Couric.  To be
honest, I wouldn't mind dropping one on our own version too, but my advisors tell me we
are still months away from being able to get away with that.  Be advised that I will be
speaking at you LOUDLY, thereby rendering my thick-tongued Texas twang instantly
comprehensible to your sand-mite-filled foreigner ears.

As you may or may not have heard by now, I've got a wee bit of a bloodlust hard-on for
that beret-wearing, Magnum PI cretin you losers call a leader, which is why I'm continuing
to ignore the North Korean nuclear crisis by dispatching a patriotic quarter million of my
nation's innocent teenage leathernecks to play death chicken with your nation's legions of
walking godless impediments to my personal enrichment.

I know that many of you feel crushed between the rock and the hard place that is Saddam's
iron grip and the promised joys of an American-styled totalitarian theocracy, which we
call more simply "democracy." And I realize that in my Pappy's half-assed prequel to my
War for Christ and Carbon-Based Fuels, he promised you suckers the moon if you if you
would rise up against Saddam Insane.  Then when you did just what he asked, the American
military kicked back its heels and watched 30,000 to 60,000 of you get slaughtered for
treason by Republican Guards.

Now with all that said, I can understand how some of you get all skittish and girly when I
ask you to do the same.  But today I want to promise you that there is only a 40 – 48
tops! – percent chance of us cracking open some brewskies and watching you get your
easily-manipulated throats slit again.  That's right - because this time we mean it: we
are going to maybe somehow shove democracy down your hummus-slicked throats, prevent your
fractious nation from disintegrating into ethnic civil war, open up a few hundred Burger
Kings, steal your oil, and be out of your bushy flavor-saver mustaches in just fifteen to
twenty years.  Yes, we are going to teach you cultureless monkeys the wonders of American
democracy by forcibly removing the leader you all seem to like and making you mindlessly
kowtow to a puppet that moves his mouth when he is told to by powerful unseen forces.
Hey, it's working just fine and dandy here in America, so you Oasis-sniffing trinket
sellers better not turn your filthy noses up at the idea!

As a CEO-style President, I make it a point to absorb the insightful and always correct
opinions of my expert panel of murderous and senile desk-humping daydreamers before I read
their decisions aloud.  So when it came time to cook up a reason to burn off some of our
weapons stockpile so we can award a juicy batch of new defense contracts to red state
corporations, I was assured that you feeble sub-humans would enjoy having your nation
blanketed with bullets, bombs, body parts, and all manner of informatively entertaining
leaflets.

 That's why today I must tell you that I am both puzzled and foaming-at-the-mouth enraged
by your failure to greet my invasion force with rose petal confetti and butt cheeks
aflutter.  Indeed, many of you are actually resisting my blood-drenched application of
freedom to your worthless non-country.  All of this, after I assured the American people
that you wanted us to kill your children and level your homes.  Now, I don't mind being a
liar at all, but I do mind that you uncooperative sons of desert bitches have showed me to
be that liar to the American television audience.  Clearly, you people are in need of a
little quiet time with the Holy Bible, which teaches us to avoid the sins of Arabiac
pride, the false god of Allahammed, and non-white self-respect.

In short, cut the uppity shit and take your fucking raghead democracy medicine, you hear
me?  Because if need be, I'll exterminate every last one of you bastards if that's what it
takes to reap vengeance upon old Osama bin Hussein.  Of course, that would be one hell of
a loss for both of us.  For me, because it would force me to reveal my true motivations in
launching an illegal attack against your sovereign nation, and for you, well mainly
because then you'll miss out on all the cool new stuff that Dick Cheney and Halliburton
are gonna build in your back yard for just 60% over cost.

In closing, just let me say that I understand that Iraq is not unlike a little girl who
just had an all-day picnic with Uncle Bad Touch and his full cadre of pervert liberal
Democrat friends.  Iraq is damaged goods and y'all are the national equivalent of a porno
actress – it's hard enough to look at you, but you'd have to be a goddamned nutjob to
crawl in the sack with you.  But has that stopped me from triple penetrating your nasty
carcass?  Hell, no.  So please, just get with the program and welcome my marauding band of
citizen soldiers with open arms, OK?  After all, they just wanted the U.S. to pay for
their college educations, but instead got a one-way ticket to Dubya's Bloody
Ultra-Oblivion Adventure.  You people cut them some slack, and we'll truly, truly love
you.  Doesn't that sound nice?  It better.

Bush over and out.


        [ ©2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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