Digest for Tuesday, March 25, 2003

There are 11 messages totalling 418 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. France Vetoes Chemical Weapons Find
  2. "Im never anywhere on time," The Old Perfesser related.
  3. The dangers of lozenge timing
  4. Temporary Bachelor
  5. Rattlesnakes
  6. TUESDAY ~ March 25th ~ Army Medal of Honor Birthday
  7. Jewish Dancing
  8. Disturbing T-Shirt Ads
  9. FBI Wanted Poster (Possibly offensive to Small-Town Southern Sheriffs)
  10. Flipper recruited
  11. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 02:02:18 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: France Vetoes Chemical Weapons Find

        Chirac Vows to Say No to Everything, Forever

Just moments after U.S. Special Operations forces discovered what appeared to be a
100-acre chemical weapons plant south of Baghdad, French President Jacques Chirac appeared
on national television to announce that France was vetoing the discovery.

"The United States may think they have found a chemical weapons plant, but I say, no, they
haven't," Mr. Chirac said.  "And they can't make me say they have."

Throughout his speech, an unyielding Chirac said that no matter what the U.S. finds in
Iraq in the future, he would use his "super-veto powers" to nullify any discoveries they
might make.

In just one example of his intentions, the French President said that even if the U.S.
produced a videotape of Saddam Hussein launching a nuclear missile tipped with chemical
and biological weapons, he would veto that tape "without batting an eye."

"Veto, c'est moi," Chirac added.

Turning his attention to the NCAA basketball tournament, the French President said he was
"rejecting" the results of the weekend game between Maryland and Xavier, adding that
Xavier, not Maryland should be on the road to the NCAA championship.

"Contrary to reports that Maryland defeated Xavier 77-64, I maintain that in fact Xavier
triumphed over Maryland, 108-62," Chirac said.

In Washington, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer called Mr. Chirac "delusional," adding,
"It's kind of sad."

But within minutes, President Chirac offered a spirited response, saying, "Who is this Ari
Fleischer?  I say he does not exist."
© 2003 Andy Borowitz / BorowitzReport.com

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 05:06:45 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "I'm never anywhere on time," The Old Perfesser related.

The old perfesser orders a bowl of chicken soup at the little
deli down the street from the collitch. It wasn't too long
before the waiter brought it to him.

The old perfesser quickly calls the waiter back and says, "Would
you please taste this soup?"

The waiter says, "Oh my, is something wrong with it?"

"Just taste the soup," the old perfesser insisted.

"But what's wrong with it?" the waiter asked. "Is it too hot,
too cold, what?!"

"Just taste the soup!" stormed the old perfesser.

"Oh, all right... where's the spoon?"

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser went to the bathroom one day at w*rk,
but there was a sign outside the door:


So he did.

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

<sigh> I was considering replacing my old computer
because it's, well, old, it's slow, and it doesn't
have much memory...
Then MrsPerfesser pointed out I have the same qualities.

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser asked little Maury to take his dirty clothes and
put them into the hamper.

He looked puzzled, so she explained, "You know; it's the place
where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed."

So little Maury picked up his things, trotted into MrsPerfesser's
bedroom, and threw his clothes on the floor... right on Uncle Old
Perfesser's side of the bed.

The new MSN 8: advanced junk mail protection and 2 months FREE*

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 05:33:04 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The dangers of lozenge timing

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks
were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still
preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes.  His wife managed a small
signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so
muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my
mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is
time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead
of a lozenge."

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 06:28:21 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Temporary Bachelor

After our old friend Phil had been a temporary bachelor for
a few weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of dog
food," Tom told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you
would be eating anything like that!"

"Well, come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from some of the best restaurants in town.

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 10:30:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rattlesnakes

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day
when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting
icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart
under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my
front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to
overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic
hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them
out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just

What! You've never heard of . . . windchilled vipers?


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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 08:04:38 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: TUESDAY ~ March 25th ~ Army Medal of Honor Birthday <ADULTISH>

The first Army Medal of Honor was awarded in 1863.

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery,
the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to
retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove
back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked
your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted.  "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 08:37:39 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Jewish Dancing<off to jewish>

      A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious =
      meets with their Rabbi for counseling. =20
      The Rabbi asks if they have any last questions before
      they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for =
      to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. =
      But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
      "Absolutely not," says the Rabbi.  "It's immodest.  Men and women =
       dance separately."
      "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
      "No," answered the Rabbi.  "It's forbidden."
       "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?  Can we finally have =
      "Of course!," replies the Rabbi.  "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) =
       marriage, to have children!"
      "What about different positions?" asks the man?
      "No problem," says the Rabbi.  "It's a mitzvah!"
      "Woman on top?" the man asks.
      "Sure," says the Rabbi.  "Go for it!  It's a mitzvah!"
      "Doggy style?"
      "Sure!  Another mitzvah!"
      "On the kitchen table?"
      "Yes, yes!  A mitzvah!"
      "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple =
       vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno =
      "You may indeed.  It's all a mitzvah!"
      "Can we do it standing up?"
      "No." says the Rabbi."
      "Why not?" asks the man.
      "Could lead to dancing!"


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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 16:37:48 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Disturbing T-Shirt Ads

Now I kid you not, I've received ads for "support our troops"
t-shirts --in tasteful red, white and blue-- three times today!

The last one I saw left me with a real sense of foreboding.

It said:

                IRAQ WE'RE BACK

The shirt did have quite a long tail as I recall.
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for
a hidden truth. -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 15:50:27 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: FBI Wanted Poster (Possibly offensive to Small-Town Southern Sheriffs)

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been
photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the
pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify
Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff

From Lee Sissel

Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Platinum - Watch CBS' NCAA March Madness, live on your desktop!

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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 18:34:48 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Flipper recruited

Umm Qasr, Iraq - Forget precision bombs, unmanned spy-planes and high-tech weaponry, the U.S. army is about to unveil its most unlikely mine detector -- all the
way from San Diego, California, the Atlantic Bottle-Nosed Dolphin.
  At the southern Iraqi port of Umm Qasr, secured by U.S and British forces after
days of fighting, soldiers made last-minute preparations on Tuesday for the imminent arrival of a team of specially trained dolphins to help divers ensure the coastline is
free of danger before humanitarian aid shipments can dock.
  U.S. Navy Captain Mike Tillotson told reporters that three or four dolphins would
work from Umm Qasr, using their natural sonar abilities to seek out mines or
other explosive devices which Iraqi forces may have planted on the seabed.
  "They were flown over on a military animal transporter in fleece-lined slings,"
Tillotson said. "We keep them in a certain amount of water. They travel very well."
"They will be given restaurant quality food and vitamins, and they will work out of
wells which we've set up here."
  Tillotson said the dolphins were trained not to swim up to mines, but to place a
marker a small distance away, minimizing any danger to themselves.  Several
mines were discovered last week on the back of ships along the Faw peninsula,
but teams of divers searching around Umm Qasr port since Monday have not
found any embedded mines.

+Source: Reuters, March 25, 2003+

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Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 2003 01:46:16 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins

WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of recording artist Sheryl Crow's strong protestations, including
the wearing of a "No War" guitar strap, the U.S. went to war with Iraq last week.  "Making
the decision to go to war is never easy, but it's that much harder when you know Sheryl
Crow disapproves," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said at a press conference
Monday.  "It is this administration's sincerest hope that it can one day regain the
support and trust of the woman behind such hits as 'All I Wanna Do' and 'Soak Up The
Sun.'" Fleischer issued similar apologies to Martin Sheen, Janeane Garofalo, and Nelly.

Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them

BALTIMORE—The Pentagon has obtained vital information on Iraqi chemical weapons from
Alcolac International, the Baltimore-based company that sold them to the Mideast nation in
the '80s.  "It's terrifying what Iraq has," Pentagon spokesman James Reese said Monday.
"Saddam possesses massive stockpiles of everything from ethylene to thiodiglycol,
according to sales records provided by Alcolac."  The Pentagon has also been collecting
key intelligence on Iraqi nuclear weapons and guidance systems from Honeywell, Unisys, and
other former U.S. suppliers to Iraq.

U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines

CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the
Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of
multiculturalism on the front lines of war.  "Though racism and discrimination remain
problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find
the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White
said Monday.  "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly

Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic,
19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex.
"We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things
turned all businesslike," Pell said.  "He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each
piece of clothing, then he wouldn't do anything but missionary."  Following the
methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes
"spooning" before Viselic dressed and left.

Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement

NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are
aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz.  "My
sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony
trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote.  "Sources say their
crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar... and it's got the
spoiled socialites in a snit!"  As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate
the sisters.

        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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