Digest for Monday, March 24, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Local Family Not Ready to Fire Drifter Handyman
  2. How Small Is It???
  3. Boy or Girl
  4. News Flash!!!
  5. The all purpose excuse form letter
  6. Nasty virus
  7. Feeling Unwell
  8. MONDAY ~ March 24th ~ Make A Great Escape Day
  9. s&m
  10. Hi-Yo Silver!
  11. Shopping
  12. Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation


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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 02:02:56 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Local Family Not Ready to Fire Drifter Handyman

Big Bear Lake, CA - Despite numerous kidnappings, murders and unsolved crimes in the
neighborhood, The Hanscum family is not quite ready to part with their favorite drifter
handyman, Pete "Big Red" McGregor, no matter what they hear on the news.

"Our drifter handyman is wonderful at fixing the lawnmower and painting trim on the
porch," said Lisa Hanscum.  "And despite his enormous size and glass eye, he's as gentle
as a bunny."

"I love Big Red!" said 7-year-old Amanda Hanscum who doesn't understand why neighborhood
kids aren't allowed anywhere near the Hanscum residence.  "I love when we play 'find my
wallet.' I always win!"

Neighbors are terrified of McGregor and are quick to point out the recent Elizabeth Smart
abduction as well as legendary tales of drifter handymen chopping up local families with a
weed whacker just moments after finishing the lawn.

"The drifter handyman is not a monster," says drifter handyman John Doe, of whereabouts
unknown.  "We provide our valuable skills of completing easy household chores left undone
by lazy or absent husbands without the homeowner having to fill out those tricky social
security forms."

There has been so much backlash against the near-homeless artisans that local attorney
Bill Doty is considering filing a class action lawsuit against specific members of the
media who have targeted the drifter handyman as some kind of murderous, out of control,
knife-wielding hobo lunatic.

"It's not enough to find a pair of your daughter's blood-soaked panties in the drifter
handyman's cargo pocket before you call out the lynch mob," Doty said.  "There's always a
simple explanation and usually it involves some kind of cut they got on their finger --
and a conveniently-placed piece of cloth they used to stop the flow of blood."

Added Doty, "if a drifter handyman should ask you or your child to leave town and become
involved in a polygamist relationship, just politely say no, and then have him spackle
your walls.  They're really good at that."
__
 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 05:06:08 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: How Small Is It???

THIS TOWN IS SO SMALL...


The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.

McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

The phone book has only one page.

The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.

The New Year's baby was born in October.

The ZIP code is a fraction.

The city limits signs are both on the same post.

Second Street is in the next town over.

There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.



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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 04:27:07 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Boy or Girl

When the doctor's nurse asked Estelle if she was hoping
for a boy or a girl, she simply replied, "Obviously!"

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 06:39:50 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: News Flash!!!

NEWS RELEASE:

Effective immediately, all K-Marts and Wal-Mart's in Iraq will be
closed. They will re-open in two weeks as Targets..

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 05:59:34 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The all purpose excuse form letter

The All-Purpose Excuse Form Letter

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten
in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your
situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a)  Mom,
b)  Dad,
c)  Love of my life,
d)  Assistant Principal,
e)  Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a)  car
b)  house
c)  pet
d)  espresso maker
e)  left arm

was severely damaged by my

a)  infantile
b)  puerile
c)  inept
d)  comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e)  woefully under-appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the

a)  car
b)  jet ski
c)  large helium balloon
d)  rodent-driven sledge
e)  zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And
while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the
direction of your

a)  house,
b)  wife,
c)  Cub Scout troop,
d)  1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
    with torch-light,
e)  priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a)  imagine.
b) Fathom
c)  comprehend.
d)  appreciate.
e)  pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to

a)  hate me.
b)  sue me.
c)  spank me.
d)  take my firstborn.
e)  gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
    fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
joshing around at

a)  school.
b)  work.
c)  church.
d)  the bowling alley.
e)  the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a)  friend.
b)  child.
c)  sibling.
d)  lease co-signer.
e)  only possible match should you ever need a
    bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one
that

a)  was so stupid.
b)  was so silly.
c)  would have been funny if it worked.
d)  you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e)  I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 04:55:06 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Nasty virus

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his
doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of
extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and
the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've
found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to
do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita
bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under
the door."

[From Richard Sissel]


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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 09:29:26 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Feeling Unwell

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor
checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money
up his a**. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up
the value of the coins.

"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your a**."

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not
been feeling too grand."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 07:16:29 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: MONDAY ~ March 24th ~ Make A Great Escape Day <ADULT>

On the birthday of magician and escape artist Harry Houdini, make a great
escape. Houdini was born on March 24, 1874, at Budapest, Hungary.

TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG MAGICIAN
13 Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

12 Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

11 "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.

10 Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

9 Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling
the "big snake" out of his pants.

8 She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

7 His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister.

6 During one trick, screams, "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll
blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

5 Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet
love."

4 His biggest trick?  Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" --
eventually.

3 Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent
Flatulo.

2 Before every trick, tells hostess, "For this one I'm going to need to
borrow your bra."

1 Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[   Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner   ]
[    without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"     ]
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 07:21:54 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: s&m<adult>

I was in my office last week, when a male coworker=20
poked his head in the door and asked if I was busy. I=20
said no and invited him to come in and close the door.=20
"I need help," he said. "It's sort of private.
You see my wife and I are having some difficulty with=20
sex." He looked highly embarrassed.

"Well, I'll certainly be happy to try to help," I=20
said, unsure exactly what he might want me to do about it.

"You know, it's gotten so bad we've had to resort to S & M."

"You mean sadism and masochism?" I asked, incredulously.

"No, I mean she sleeps and I masturbate."
- - =
-------------------------------------------------------------------------=

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 17:42:33 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Hi-Yo Silver!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
 beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought
 you'd like to know your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver
 was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water
 and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger
 turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see
if  you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
 Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
 the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts
into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with
him this time?"  The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...



I JUST LOVE THIS...




Nothin', but you left your Injun running."

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 19:29:36 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Shopping  <off. to Iraqis>

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

Attention shoppers!

  All Wal-Mart and K-Mart stores in Iraq will close
at their usual time Wed. 03-19-03.
  When they reopen, they will be called Targets.



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Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 2003 01:22:57 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation

        Transcript Of The Presidential Prayer Team's Camp David Appeal To Jesus;
        Requesting Swift & Effortless Annihilation Of The Muslamian Hordes

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 23, 2003  - 11:04 A.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT:  Good morning to you, my Presidential Prayer Team Brothers in Christ.  I
want to thank you all for joining me here at impregnable Fort David.  Of course, I know we
would all much prefer to be nibbling Laura's famous moon pie scones in Crawford, but in
these troubled times, political decorum mandates that we keep the month-long Texas
getaways down to just four or five per year.

As you know, our righteous Crusade against Islamia
(http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2002/media/islam-sm.mpg) has now entered its third day,
and so this morning, as nearly a dozen innocent American soldiers march toward their
senseless and untimely afternoon deaths, let us all take a moment to raise up our passion
fruit mimosas in a jubilant toast to Jesus!

REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON:  Amen!

DR. JERRY FALWELL:  Praise Him!

THE PRESIDENT:  Indeed.  I think I speak for all of us when I say how thankful we are to
Jesus for agreeing to answer our prayers for the near-effortless, laser-guided slaughter
of the cretins who dare to already inhabit the nation I've ordered be illegally invaded
and forcefully seized in the name of freedom.  After encountering such intense resistance
to my plan from the vastly inferior minority that is 90% of the earth's population, it's
nice to finally have a friendly ear in Jesus.  I so appreciate His enthusiastic
endorsement of my plans to use a tidal wave of American blood to wash those Muslamoid
fanatics off the face of His Holy Land.

REVEREND BOB JONES:  Amen.

THE PRESIDENT:  For it is in Jesus' own best-selling autobiography entitled The Holy Bible
that we read:

        "Samaria [Iraq] shall become desolate;
        for she hath rebelled against her God:
        they shall fall by the sword:
        their infants shall be dashed in pieces,
        and their women with child shall be ripped up."
                   - Hosea 13:16

And I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be the bloodthirsty instrument of Jesus'
Arab-killing, apocalypse-inducing rage.

SECRETARY FLEISCHER:  Hallelujah Shalom!

PASTOR DEACON FRED:  You shut your Christ-killing hole, Jew-boy!  Who let you in here,
anyways?

THE PRESIDENT:  Ari, you mind the good Pastor, you hear?  He's doing his best to make sure
you people will have the honor of scarfing down gefilte fish in Hell while we chosen folks
ascend into the clouds for an eternity of joy and bliss.

(Murmurs of Assent.)

You know, before Jesus entered my life, I was a sinner:  lazy, greedy  a drunkard, a
legacy parasite coked out of his gourd, a cross-eyed chimpanzee with severe millionaire
Daddy issues.  But once I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior  I was finally able to
reconcile myself with my pathologically selfish behaviors, inbred beliefs and good old boy
elitism.  How?  Because Jesus loves you so much, he even lets you unload all that heavy
"personal responsibility" crapola onto His broad, hunky shoulders.  And THAT'S salvation!
You're reborn  completely unfettered by common sense or logical morality.

DR. FALWELL:  Say it like it is, brother!

THE PRESIDENT:  Let us pray to Jesus for victory over the godless forces of Allahammed,
brothers.

        "And when the Lord thy God hath delivered [a city] into thine hands, thou
        shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women,
        and the little ones... shalt thou take unto thyself... But of the
        cities of these people, which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an
        inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth."
                   - Deuteronomy 20:13-16

        "And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite
        them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor
        shew mercy unto them."
                   - Deuteronomy 7:2

REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON:  Amen!

THE PRESIDENT:  Keep it in your funky prostate, Pat.  I'm not done yet.

        "Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city [of nonbelievers] with
        the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and
        the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword."
                    - 1 Samuel 13:15

        "Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare
        them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep,
        camel and ass."
                    - 1 Samuel 15:3

OK, now I'm done.

(Feverishly and Rhythmic Clapping of Hands and Stomping of Feet.)

THE PRESIDENT:  A-men!  Wow  am I ever totally juiced up on Jesus.  Next time we'll play
some Creed and rock with the Son of Man!

(Hoots.)

But in closing, let me remind all you good old boys in the Presidential Prayer Team how
important it is that we stay on script  lest there be any liberal suspicion that this war
is just some shameless profit grab and massive national security gamble.  Because we all
know that's nonsense, that this war is really a high-minded campaign to "liberate"
hellbound peoples we don't care about from their dirty old oil and to teach the Arabiacs
when you fuck with the bull, you get a big old crusty Texas longhorn brutally goring into
your camel jockey poop chute.

(Applause.)

Thank you all.  See you next Sunday.


        [ 2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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