Digest for Sunday, March 23, 2003

There are 9 messages totalling 354 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Networks Vow "War Wont Disrupt Reality"
  2. A revision of some popular songs from the past...
  3. The price of gasoline in Texas
  4. Advice To Daughters.....
  5. Flying in Alaska
  6. Rednecks Medical Dickshunary
  7. SUNDAY ~ March 23rd ~ University of California at Berkeley Birthday
  8. Compact-disc player
  9. Unpopular Blonde Jokes


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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 02:02:34 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Networks Vow "War Won't Disrupt Reality"

LOS ANGELES, CA (API) - The major U.S. television networks are reassuring concerned
viewers that a protracted war with Iraq will not interfere with regularly scheduled
reality programming.

Switchboards were jammed by distraught callers Wednesday night after American Idol was
interrupted by protracted footage of morning drivetime traffic in downtown Baghdad,
prompting networks to initiate a "no preempt" policy for the future.

In part, a joint publicity statement said: "We respect our audience's right to enjoy
Reality without intrusion. People who want boring documentaries certainly have the option
to switch channels."

A long list of "hands-off" programming shows includes American Idol, Survivor, Are You
Hot, Fear Factor and All American Girl. Conspicuously absent from this list was the
Academy Awards ceremony, which is scheduled to run 45 minutes longer than the war itself.

In addition, affiliate stations are discouraged from in-depth war reporting, unless it
features nude protesters.

They recommend local coverage concentrate mainly on arrests of movie stars and
professional athletes, clone babies, shark attacks, Elvis sightings, celebrity dating
habits, breaking news about Michael Jackson's plastic surgery or infant dangling, and
revelations concerning Elizabeth Smart's sexual molestation.
__
 Specious World News Organization

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 01:22:56 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: A revision of some popular songs from the past...

For all who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes,
there is good news. Some of the old artists have re-released their
greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

The Greatest Hits:

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan - "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 05:32:33 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The price of gasoline in Texas

The price of gasoline in Texas is so high that women
who want to run over their husbands are car-pooling.
****************************************************
Firefighters have longer hoses.

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 07:48:16 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Advice To Daughters.....

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS (and
granddaughters)

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature
anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that he is too
old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a re al eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
chequebooks.(My personal favourite).

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 05:21:03 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Flying in Alaska

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little
experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a
landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple
hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While
my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he
didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed
to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

[From Richard Sissel]


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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 08:57:58 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rednecks Medical Dickshunary

ADENOIDS  Space creatures whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto.

ANASTHESIA  Rushun princez y'all studyed in skool.

ANTACID  Haloosinagenic drugs uzed by little bugs.

ARTERY  Whut the plastik Jesus on yer dashboard is.

BOWEL  A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U.

BRONCHITIS  Dinosour frum the plastikseen age.

CAT SCAN  Lookin' fer hookers.

CAUTERIZE  Makin' eye contak with a hooker.

D&C  Washingtun--whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress peepul
live.

ENEMA  Sumone who ain't no frend.

FESTER  Yer unkles name.

GENITAL  Hed of a army--fer instanz, Genital Robert E. Lee. G.I.

SERIES  Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

HYPODERMIC  Big, fat zoo crittur.

PAP SMEAR  When peepul sez nasti things abowt yer pappy.

RECOVERY  Whar yew fix up yer fernitur.

RECTUM  Whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk.

SEIZURE  Emperore of Rome.

TESTICLES  Books of the bible.

TUMOR  Number of beers yew can drink after last call.

URINE  Opposyte of yer out

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 07:42:46 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: SUNDAY ~ March 23rd ~ University of California at Berkeley Birthday

The University of California at Berkeley was founded in 1868.

EXTREME MEASURES
An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive,
sexy-looking lady knocked on his door. "Yes?" he replied, "How may I help
you?"

The lady said, "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

"Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?" she asked.

"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.

She said, "Anything!"

"Anything??"

She said, in her best sultry voice, "I mean ANYTHING."

The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and
whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 13:52:05 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Compact-disc player

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was
excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes
or move the needle on her record player.  Knowing she was not that
technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing.
"Fine.  I listened to Faith Hill this morning," she said.
  "The whole CD?" I asked.
  "No," she replied, "just one side."




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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 2003 01:28:57 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Unpopular Blonde Jokes

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: That's a good question. Radiation, maybe.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Give her a convincing argument.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: Many ways, I suppose; a knife or a hammer would work well.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Let her watch NBC's Must-See TV. Also, CBS has some pretty good shows on Thursday.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because she was bored.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Saturday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Shielding her ears from a loud, piercing noise, probably.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: Because there aren't very many elevator jobs around anymore these days.  Pretty much
anyone can figure out how to run an elevator, except for blind people.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: For money.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: By eating poison.


        [ By Jason Albus ]
        [ Copyright 2003 Modern Humorist, Inc. ]
__________________________________________

        Recent Medical Studies

A study has found that regular, moderate consumption of alcohol cuts the risk of heart
attack by a third.  Among the other recent findings:

  Half a bag of Fritos every day for a year significantly reduces the risk of pregnancy

  Consumption of at least 14 ounces of hard liquor greatly increases chances of
tolerating coworker's birthday party

  Smashing fist through mirror not effective in getting girlfriend back

  Eating carrots and celery may help you exercise your choppers and really chew, chew,
chew

  Regular exposure to excessively biased health studies doubles your chances of wanting
to jack someone in the gut

  Zero servings a day of fruits and vegetables will reduce the risk of regular bowel
syndrome

  Cheese, particularly melted cheese, good


        [  Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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