Digest for Saturday, March 22, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 563 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Korea Nukes Los Angeles; White House Urges Multilateral Talks
  2. Feelin Sick?
  3. Kill Me Before I Get To This Point....
  4. Shopping at Fredericks of Hollywood
  5. The Workshop
  6. Birthdays
  7. A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
  8. March 22nd ~ Regional Shopping Mall Day
  9. Just 2 drops of water, please
  10. Treat
  11. Sunday Bulletin at the Church Of Chuckles
  12. A Nose Is a Nose (A guide to noses that didnt win)


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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 02:02:00 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Korea Nukes Los Angeles; White House Urges Multilateral Talks

Just Outside Los Angeles - In its latest dangerous flexing of military muscle, North Korea
has reduced the city of Los Angeles to a smoking, radioactive crater.  While leaders of
countries the world over and members of Congress are calling on the White House to engage
in bilateral talks with the rogue nation before it's too late, the White House continues
to call on China, Russia and South Korea to meet with North Korea's Kim Il Sung, rather
than talk directly.

"We don't want to reward bad behavior," said White House spokesman Ari Fliescher, "The
destruction of Los Angeles is a clear sign that we need to focus on disarming Saddaam
Hussein.  Just think what Saddaam would do if he had nuclear weapons.  He might blow up a
city we actually care about."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld soft pedalled the tragedy, saying, "The fact that we
can continue to push for a war with Iraq while sending the governor of New Mexico to
examine the charred remains of Los Angeles shows that we can walk and chew gum at the same
time.  The fact that we can almost fight in the Philippines shows that we can walk, chew
gum, and crunch up the gum wrapper into a little ball with one hand, all at the same time.
Whatever's going on in Afghanistan is like snapping the finger of our other hand, while
still chewing, walking and balling up the wrapper.  We're that sophisticated."

Meanwhile Kim Il Sung pledged to turn the entire Pacific Ocean into a sea of fire if the
U.S. doesn't turn some of its focus away from Iraq and Al Queda and toward North Korea.

Answered Secretary of State Colin Powell, "Well, it doesn't make sense to turn an ocean
into a sea.  However, you will notice that Mr. Kim mentioned both Iraq and Al Queda in the
same sentence, which is further proof that the two are linked."

As more Korean missiles fly through the air over the Pacific, Vice President Cheney has
been quoted as asking, "Where are China and Russia during all this?"
__
by Dan Kilian
© Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 05:52:37 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Feelin' Sick?   <adult>

Unusual Provisions Of The Patients Bill Of Rights


10. Unlimited access to a bottle of Jergens for males on prolonged stay.
9. A free bumper sticker when you get diagnosed with a terminal cancer.
8. Bedpans must now be lined with 100% rich Corinthian leather.
7. All rectal exams must include a "reach around."
6. Comatose patients have the right to remain silent.
5. Red wine with cherry Jello. White wine with lime Jello.
4. Dinner, flowers, & a movie must precede every pap & pelvic.
3. You are considered alive until proven dead.
2. Waiting room magazines may be no more than 4 months old.
1. The right to bare ass.






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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 06:34:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Kill Me Before I Get To This Point....

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered,
"I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she
said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my
hearing aid is."


An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir,
sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000.....please advise" The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She
said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are
you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine
and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I
said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't
remember where I live!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget
the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send
this to 5 or 6, maybe 10...oh well, send it to a
bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen...I think.....

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 05:46:34 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Shopping at Frederick's of Hollywood

  The one question you NEVER ask at Frederick's of Hollywood:

  "Does that come in children's sizes?"

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 08:48:48 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Workshop

A local elementary school principal told his teachers about a
workshop that would help them become better teachers. One of his
new teachers decided to attend.

When she came back boy was she fired up. She was so excited, the
principal asked what happened.

She said, "I went expecting to come back a better teacher. The
first speaker was good and it was just an outstanding workshop.
The final speaker summed it all up when she said all you teachers
have to do is ... follow a simple principal."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 09:58:02 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Birthdays

Last week, my older brother turned 64. Today I turned 59. Seeking some
advice that the extra five years my brother has experienced might have
given him, I asked him about being 60+ seeing as how I'll hit it next
year.

He said: "Growing old can be a pain once in a while, but it sure beats the
alternative!"

Grady

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 11:55:07 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

          =20
    =20



      Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

      A day without sunshine is like, night.

      On the other hand, you have different fingers.

      I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

      42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

      99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

      I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

      Honk if you love peace and quiet.

      Remember, half the people you know are below average.

      He who laughs last thinks slowest.

      Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

      The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the =
cheese.

      I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

      Support bacteria.  They're the only culture some people have.

      Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

      A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

      Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

      Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

      Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

      Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

      If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

      How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand...

      OK, so what's the speed of dark?

      How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

      If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously =
overlooked something.

      When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

      Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

      Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

      If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her frie! nds?

      Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

      What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

      I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

      I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

      Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

      AND THE ONE I RELATE TO THE MOST THESE DAYS--

      Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What the =
hell happened."



      =20














      =20

    =20
                  =20
          =20
                =20
          =20
    =20

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 17:01:54 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 22nd ~ Regional Shopping Mall Day

In 1954, the first regional shopping mall in the U.S. opened in Southfield,
Michigan.

STORE TIME ZONES
6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents

9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips

12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed

3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids

6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children

9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break

3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers

Please shop in *your* zone to avoid conflicts. Thank you!
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 19:47:52 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Just 2 drops of water, please

A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a
scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she
says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In
fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like
to buy you a drink, too."  The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender,
another scotch with two drops of water.

 "Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy
you one, too."  The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, please, another
scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of
water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold
your liquor.  Water, however, is a whole other issue."

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 19:27:10 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Treat

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  The weather for Halloween was miserable--freezing rain and 30-m.p.h.
winds.  When the doorbell rang, I answered it and noticed a father alone
at the end of the sidewalk bouncing from one foot to the other, trying to
keep warm.  "You look as though you could use a treat," I called to him.
  When he nodded a vigorous yes, I asked, "Bourbon or Scotch?"  He
said bourbon would be fine.  I left to get his drink, and when I got back to
the door, four other wet and cold fathers were lined up in a row.  "Trick
or treat!" they chorused.



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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 00:10:44 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday Bulletin at the Church Of Chuckles  <off., blasphemous>

God created man, and then created woman ...
... I wonder what his third option would have been?

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

If God doesn't take sides, what's the point of religious conflict?

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Dear God, save us from the people who believe in you...

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Bad Christian! No Rapture!

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Christians who support capital punishment should remember
that first Very Big Mistake ...

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Just ask the altar boys.

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

Repentance is futile. You will be unassimilated.
                 - Jesus of Borg

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

I gave myself to Jesus... and now He never calls!!!

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to
forgive him, and patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.


********************
There ain't no devil, just God when he's drunk.
             - Tom Waits







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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 2003 00:33:22 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: A Nose Is a Nose  (A guide to noses that didn't win)

DESPITE LOSING the SAG lead actress award to Renée Zellweger, chances are Nicole Kidman is
more than a nose ahead in the Oscar race.  (And an arm and a leg and two fingers.)
However, impressive prosthetics don’t necessarily guarantee an Academy Award win—just ask
Sally Kirkland’s breasts.  Here are some famous noses that didn’t get the nod.

Pinocchio in “Pinocchio” (1940)
This tiny fella didn’t even get a nomination, and it broke his little wooden heart.  The
Academy claimed it was because he was animated, but film historians now agree that the
Academy simply wasn’t ready for a role that appropriated and repositioned the big-nosed
Jewish stereotype.

Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate” (1967)
While some fans rave about the classic seduction scene, the real attraction here is
Hoffman’s incredibly lifelike nose.  A crack team of effects artists crafted the famous
proboscis out of paper-mache and molted skin from Buck Henry’s skull.  Crew members recall
that Hoffman’s humongous honker flew off his face one day when Katherine Ross slapped him
during a crucial scene.  Luckily, no one was injured, except for Katherine Ross, whose
career ended shortly thereafter.

Gonzo in “The Muppet Movie” (1979)
This hook-nosed wonder is a triple-threat: he sings, he acts, he breeds chickens.
Although he sang his heart out in “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday,” Gonzo didn’t win
an Oscar.  He tried again unsuccessfully to grab Oscar’s attention in the autobiographical
“Muppets in Space” (1999) before finally embarking on a porn career which includes the
revolutionary “Gonzo’s Gay-ng Bang” where he participated in the first ever
double-nostril-penetration scene.  (Also featuring the guy who played “Evil Ed” Thompson
in “Fright Night” and the kid who got his tongue stuck to a pole in “A Christmas Story”!)

Steve Martin in “Roxanne” (1987)
In this modern-day adaptation of “Cyrano de Bergerac,” writer/star Steve Martin sported
the longest nose ever to hit the screen: 12 inches.  Though snubbed by Oscar, Martin went
on to bigger and better things, as did the prosthetic nose.  It recently directed Martin's
latest vehicle “Bringing Down the House” and is reportedly involved with Maggie
Gyllenhaal.

Owen Wilson in, well, everything
Ever since Wilson burst onto the scene in “Bottle Rocket,” audiences have been asking the
same question: “What the fuck happened to your nose, man?  And now that you’re a big star,
can’t you do something about it?”  As the legendary Samuel Goldwyn once put it, “If you
wanna win an Oscar, you better do something about the schnoz, dude.”


        [ by Raven Snook ]
        [ Copyright 2003 Modern Humorist, Inc. ]
______________________________________

        Deuces Wild  (Oscar presenter pairings you won't see)

The following introductions were all found in Bruce Villanch’s wastebasket:

   He still believes in a place called Hope.  She was in "Hope Floats." Please welcome
Bill Clinton and Sandra Bullock.

   He played Fat Bastard.  She sleeps with one.  Please welcome Mike Myers and Lara Flynn
Boyle.

   She's the daughter of a "Fifth Beatle." He makes people eat beetles.  Please welcome
Norah Jones and Joe Rogan.

   She won an Oscar for a four-minute performance in "Shakespeare in Love." He possesses a
total of four facial expressions.  Please welcome Dame Judi Dench and Vin Diesel.

   He battled an animated corpse in "The Mummy." She lets an animated corpse call her
"mommy." Please welcome Brendan Fraser and Mrs. Larry King.

   He invented the internal combustion engine.  He played Mr. Conductor in "Thomas the
Tank Engine." Please welcome Nickolaus A. Otto and Alec Baldwin.

   He carries around a big staff wherever he goes.  So does he.  Please welcome Moses and
Ron Jeremy.

   He was the chief counsel to Senator Joseph McCarthy.  She diapers her husband.  Please
welcome the late Roy Cohn and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

   In 826 AD, he drove the Norsemen out of Brittany.  In 2002, he banged Britney.  Please
welcome King Alain Barb-Tort and Fred Durst.

   He's the host of Inside the Actor's Studio.  She's had half the Actors Studio inside
her.  Please welcome James Lipton and Shelley Winters.


        [ by Karen Lurie ]
        [ Copyright 2003 Modern Humorist, Inc. ]

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