Digest for Friday, March 21, 2003

There are 14 messages totalling 638 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. March 20th ~ First Day of Spring
  2. ER
  3. EMail: Sec, Homeland Defense
  4. The Arkansas quarter
  5. Germany Has Trouble Locating Jews to Blame for Economic Woes
  6. The postponed lodge meeting
  7. Saddam.....
  8. Wisconsin forever
  9. FRIDAY ~ March 21st ~ Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
  10. Memory Test
  11. (ARTICLE IN WICHITA FALLS PAPER BY DENNIS MILLER)
  12. Cautious and detail-oriented
  13. Another Culinary Disaster
  14. Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation


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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 22:59:55 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 20th ~ First Day of Spring

The Vernal Equinox is one of the four great seasonal changes every year. Day
and night are equal, and the changing weather can lift the spirits of
young -- and old -- alike! Don't miss this opportunity to have some fun and
educate at the same time!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOME NEEDS A SPRING CLEANING
10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" ...and you show them.
9. Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows.
8. When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon
refuses to get out of the van.
7. The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth.
6. Your house gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better.
5. Guests take one look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard.
4. When someone from the health department rings your doorbell, you say,
"Not again!"
3. Every time you turn on a faucet, you hear a muffled barking sound.
2. Even Robert Downey, Jr. refuses to sleep on your floor.
1. You've been receiving death threats from Mr. Clean.

April 8, 1997 David Letterman Top Ten List
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 03:59:52 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: ER

by Norma C. Brooks

A man brought his little girl to the hospital emergency room
where my daughter works. As is often the case in emergency
rooms, he had to wait. After a while, he approached a woman
at the nurses' station and asked her how much longer it
would be until a doctor looked at his daughter.  The woman
explained that she was just about to examine the child.
There was a stunned silence. Then the man asked, "Are you
the doctor?" "Yes," she replied. "Are you the child's mother?"

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 05:07:46 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: EMail: Sec, Homeland Defense

Dear Secretary Ridge,

A few years back, my wife started serving that hoity toity French bottled
water. She thinks drinking the stuff with a slice lemon in it makes us
classy. I resisted at first, but finally gave in when she replaced the
dainty little lemon with a manly hunk of beef jerky. It just seemed less
sissified and more American that way.

I'm starting to wonder if the Frenchies put something in that water which
has polluted my precious bodily fluids. You see, my "little soldier" has not
been able to stand at attention for years now. I've always attributed it to
damage I received when Klinton's agents repeatedly tried to place a
transmitter in my rectum while I was held illegally on a tax resistance
charge. I'm starting to question that assumption now that I've come to the
realization that France is the source of all that is evil.

Do you think it's possible that France has tampered with the water in an
effort to make our great nation less manly? Please look into it. You might
also ask Sec. Rumsfeld if he's been drinking French water. He always seems
so angry. There must be a reason for it.

          - Gen. JC Christian, Patriot





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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 05:10:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Arkansas quarter

Hey Guys, I heard they are recalling the New Arkansas Quarter...it won't
work in vending machines, telephones and parking meters...seems that the
duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together is jamming them.

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 06:37:34 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Germany Has Trouble Locating Jews to Blame for Economic Woes

Berlin - Speaking after an emergency meeting of his cabinet, German Chancellor Gerhard
Schroeder said that his government is having a great deal of difficulty locating Jews to
blame for the recession the German economy is currently experiencing.

A plan for economic revival devised by the German Council of Economic Advisors called
"Operation Scapegoat" has had to be put on hold until sufficient numbers of Jews can be
found.

Warning that the current Jew shortage has reached crisis proportions, Chancellor Schroeder
told this reporter that his government is planning on offering cash incentives to German
Catholics and Lutherans to convert to Judaism so that they can be blamed for the
recession.

When asked if his government would ever consider lowering Germany's extremely high taxes
in order to jump start the economy, Schroeder sneered and replied, "That's a typical
simplistic American solution.  We Germans are going to stick with blaming an innocent
minority group for all of our problems.  You know what they say-you dance with the one
what brung ya."

In related news, German Minister of Immigration Horst Himmler announced today a new
marketing campaign designed to attract Jews in Israel to return to Germany so that they
can be expelled again.  Ads for the "Germany-The Land Everyone Loves to Hate!" ad campaign
will start appearing in print and on TV during the February sweeps.
__
by William Grim
 Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 03:54:56 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The postponed lodge meeting

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he
had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible
Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

[From Richard Sissel]

__________________________________________________
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Yahoo! Platinum - Watch CBS' NCAA March Madness, live on your desktop!
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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 07:51:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Saddam.....

Saddam Hussein is killed by a US cruise missile. He goes to hell where
the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the
devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got
three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves." Saddam thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The
devil opened the first room: in it was the CEO of Enron and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and
over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Saddam said. "I don't
think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Martha Stewart with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All she did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day!" commented Saddam.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. Saddam looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........"OK,
Monica, you're free to go!"

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 08:57:54 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Wisconsin forever <humor>

GOT to Love Wisconsin

A Texan, a guy from Illinois, and a Wisconsinite are riding horses out on
the range. The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey
out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air. The guy from Illinois is shocked
and asks, "What are you doing? That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are
cheap!"

A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the guy from Illinois pulls
out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan. The guy from Wisconsin
can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of
champagne. With a wink to the Texan he says "In Chicago, there's plenty of
champagne and bottles are cheap."

About 15 minutes later, the Wisconsinite pulls out a bottle of Point beer.
He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the
bottle. He then places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun
and shoots the guy from Illinois. The Texan is visibly shaken.

"What did you do that for?!?!"

The Wisconsinite replies, "Well, in Wisconsin, we have more than enough
people from Illinois, and Point beer bottles are returnable.

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 08:11:09 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: FRIDAY ~ March 21st ~ Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)  <ADULTISH>

1st sign of the Zodiac
RULING PLANET: Mars, god of "I win, you lose!"
ELEMENT: Fire (energetic)
QUADRUPLICITY: Cardinal (action)
POLARITY: Positive / Masculine (direct, self-expressive or extrovert)
SYMBOL: The Ram is the sign of the pioneer and warrior leader.
COLOR OF CHOICE: Red, Scarlet
STARSTONE: Diamond
BODY PART: Aries rules the head. Aries people tend to be headstrong.
KEY PHRASE: "I am."
* On the downside: jealous and combative, destructive, domineering and
obstinate.
* Your good qualities include: being dynamic, direct, positive in attitude
and manner, quick response to situations.
* Learning to know what you want and how to exert your will without harming
anyone else will be your life's work.

FLU BUGS OF THE ZODIAC
Aries is the first sign and therefore likely to get the flu before everyone
else. Being a fire, Aries is likely to get a fever and hallucinate being in
the intimate care of cute doctors and nubile candy stripers. It could be
that what Aries has is not a cold, it's another case of spring fever.

Taurus gets the flu and stays in bed feeling lethargic, but they do that
anyway, so it's hard to tell when a Taurus is sick. Being the possessive
type, when Taurians do catch colds, they refuse to share it. A Taurian sore
throat can often be cured with cream brandy.

Gemini rules the hands and arms, and is known for their good sense of humor.
It's easy to spot a Gemini with the flu. They're the ones who are coughing
and sneezing and waving their arms in the air. When there's something funny
going around, Gemini is sure to catch it.

Cancer lucks out when it comes to the flu. Cancer rules the home, food and
strong women. Whenever a Cancer gets the flu, a powerful, beautiful goddess
type bring them miso soup, chicken noodle soup and the like.

Leo is a proud and dramatic sign. When a Leo gets the flu it has to be worse
than everyone else's. Leos make a big show of their ill condition.

Virgo is the sign most concerned with health. Naturally Virgos are always
fighting the flu with home remedies, enjoying herbal enemas and the like.

Libra is the sign of partnership, and give and take. Libra catches a cold
from their partner and then they give it back. Often they're stuck in an
endless loop with a "love bug."

Scorpio is a willful sign. They say, "I don't get colds," and they don't.
They only get the most deadly flu viruses, and that's just to prove that it
can't kill them. Since Scorpio rules the "secret parts," they're the ones
most likely to make a game of checking with a rectal thermometer.

Sagittarius is an international sign, most likely to catch the Hong Kong flu
and other important strains. Being philosophical, they catch "travel bugs"
and the flu at school where they're trying to "know it all."

Capricorn is a serious and professional sign. When they catch the flu, they
must see a doctor. Since Capricorn rules the knees, no physical exam is
complete without the little hammer testing their reflexes.

Aquarius is high tech and avant-garde. They prefer to catch computer viruses
and flu symptoms that no one else has ever heard of.

Pisces is a water sign and a bit of a martyr. When Pisces catches a cold, it
features a prominent runny nose and a public display of suffering. If
Pisceans insist on blaming themselves for getting sick, ask them if they
need a good turn over the lap for an old-fashioned bare bottom spanking!
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 11:57:55 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor.
"How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 08:59:23 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: (ARTICLE IN WICHITA FALLS PAPER BY DENNIS MILLER)

=20


=20

 =20

  =20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 ALL THE RHETORIC ON WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD GO TO WAR AGAINST IRAQ HAS =
GOT=20

 MY INSANE LITTLE BRAIN SPINNING LIKE A ROULETTE WHEEL. I ENJOY READING=20

 OPINIONS FROM BOTH SIDES BUT I HAVE DETECTED A HINT OF CONFUSION FROM =
SOME OF=20

 YOU. AS I WAS READING THE PAPER RECENTLY, I WAS REMINDED OF THE BEST =
ADVICE=20

 SOMEONE EVER GAVE ME. HE TOLD ME ABOUT THE KISS METHOD=20

 =20

 ("KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!) SO, WITH THIS AS A THEME, I'D LIKE TO SUPPLY =
THIS=20

 THEORY FOR THOSE WHO DON'T QUITE GET IT. MY HOPE IS THAT WE CAN =
SIMPLIFY=20

 THINGS A BIT AND RECOGNIZE A FEW IMPORTANT FACTS.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 HERE ARE 10 THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN VOICING AN OPINION ON THIS =
IMPORTANT=20

 ISSUE:=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 1) BETWEEN PRESIDENT BUSH AND SADDAM HUSSEIN ... HUSSEIN IS THE BAD =
GUY.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 2) IF YOU HAVE FAITH IN THE UNITED NATIONS TO DO THE RIGHT THING KEEP =
THIS IN=20

 MIND, THEY HAVE LIBYA HEADING THE COMMITTEE ON HUMAN RIGHTS AND IRAQ =
HEADING=20

 THE GLOBAL DISARMAMENT COMMITTEE. DO YOUR OWN MATH HERE.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 3) IF YOU USE GOOGLE SEARCH AND TYPE IN "FRENCH MILITARY VICTORIES," =
YOUR=20

 REPLY WILL BE "NO ENTRIES FOUND".=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 4) IF YOUR ONLY ANTI-WAR SLOGAN IS "NO WAR FOR OIL," SUE YOUR SCHOOL =
DISTRICT=20

 FOR ALLOWING YOU TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS AND ROBBING YOU OF THE =
EDUCATION=20

 YOU DESERVE.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 5) SADDAM AND BIN LADEN WILL NOT SEEK UNITED NATIONS APPROVAL BEFORE =
THEY TRY=20

 TO KILL US.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 6) DESPITE COMMON BELIEF, MARTIN SHEEN IS NOT THE PRESIDENT. HE PLAYS =
ONE ON=20

 T.V.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 7) EVEN IF YOU ARE ANTI-WAR, YOU ARE STILL AN "INFIDEL!" AND BIN LADEN =
WANTS=20

 YOU DEAD, TOO=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 8) IF YOU BELIEVE IN A "VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY" BUT NOT IN THE =
DANGER=20

 THAT HUSSEIN POSES, QUIT HANGING OUT WITH THE DELL COMPUTER DUDE.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 9) WE ARE NOT TRYING TO LIBERATE THEM.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 10) WHETHER YOU ARE FOR MILITARY ACTION OR AGAINST IT, OUR YOUNG MEN =
AND=20

 WOMEN OVERSEAS ARE FIGHTING FOR US TO DEFEND OUR RIGHT TO SPEAK OUT. WE =
ALL=20

 NEED TO SUPPORT THEM WITHOUT RESERVATION.=20

 =20

 =20

 =20

 I HOPE THIS HELPS!=20

 =20

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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 20:37:53 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Cautious and detail-oriented

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack.  The broker
suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse.  The analyst was skeptical;
he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules
and look over all the horses before placing a wager.  "You're too cautious
and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet.  His
horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.
  "What's your secret?" the analyst asked.
  "It's simple," the broker explained.  "I have two kids--ages two and six--
so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."
  "But two and six make eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.
  "See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."



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Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 2003 23:33:36 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Another Culinary Disaster

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened
to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.  We then tried to
share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step by step instructions on cooking sweet
potatoes - one of her husband's favorites.  "I've finally been able to
make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

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Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 2003 01:30:59 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation

        Complete Text Of President Bush's Orgasmic Rebel Yell
        Heralding The Launch Of Operation Godless Iraqazoid Smackdown

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 19, 2003  - 10:16 P.M. (EST)

The Oval Office

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow cowboys: WHO, WHO, WHO LET THE DOGS OF WAR OUT?!  BOO-YA!  RAQ
AND ROLL!

Tonight, having grown tired of waiting for Jesus, Big Daddy and The Spook to get off their
high horses, I have decided to act unilaterally to open the gates of Hell and bring about
the apocalypse.  I don't have to tell you how fucking "A" awesome this is.  I say jump,
and the Joint Chiefs of Staff cock and lock!

Jogging, beer, hording ill-gotten wealth, fixing elections  those are all pretty cool
rushes.  But nothing beats being able to call down a cloudburst of hot, throbbing JDAM
missiles to crash onto the brows of uppity, mud-colored sons of bitches who got a little
too big for their girly sarongs, dig?  WOW.  Man  after this, I can tell you, I'm gonna
pound the old lady but GOOD!

Tonight, on my orders, Christian forces have begun moving against Saddam Hussein, striking
selected mosques, evildoer orphanages, and hospitals to undermine his ability to continue
festering ineffectually in his impoverished, eunuch-like desert cesspool.  We are also
targeting Saddam's new Ford F150, rusted tank husks, Ho Chi Minh's grave, and the French
Embassy.

These are opening stages of what will be a media-drenched and politically invigorating
campaign.  More than 35 countries  including invaluable Nicaragua  have been handsomely
compensated to suppress the will of their peoples and offer up insincere hosannas of
support.  Each of these nations has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of
extorting your tax dollars to provide me with the politically necessary illusion of
international backing.

To all the men and women of the United States Armed Forces now in the Middle East, by
putting your innocent lives in jeopardy, I exact personal vengeance on a tin pot dictator
who made my feeble old man  and by extension, the whitebread pyramid scheme that is the
Republican party  look weak.  Furthermore, by exploiting your skill and your bravery, I
will ensure that my family's petrochemical stock portfolio is not only protected, but is
also vastly enhanced.

We come to Iraq with respect for its citizens - the ones we're not killing - and for their
great subterranean natural resources and their ability - like all humans - to be convinced
into accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

Dudes and my fellow middle Americans: the dangers to my re-election prospects will be
overcome.  We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of fearmongering
while the United States economy continues to implode.  We will talk about defending our
freedom while decimating our civil liberties.  We will bring freedom from taxation to
affluent white males and we will prevail.

Thank you, and good night.  LET'S KICK SOME RAGHEAD ASS!


        [ 2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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