Digest for Thursday, March 20, 2003

There are 11 messages totalling 519 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Chief Jackinov
  2. The X-rated section of a video store (adult)
  3. The eleventeenth blonde joke
  4. Jeff Bezos Introduces The Latest Earthshaking Amazon Patents
  5. Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator
  6. How Do They Do It?
  7. Three Ecclesiastical Faux Pas (Just Cute, Not Offensive)
  8. Truth vs. Honour.....
  9. Bush agrees to more inspections!!!!
  10. Blonde is as blonde does
  11. Parent-teacher conference


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 05:03:55 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Chief Jackinov  <adult>

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the
chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem,
so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him
in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee, and there's
the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We
fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."





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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 13:47:27 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The X-rated section of a video store (adult)

(Source: http://www.iafd.com)

Free My Willy

Beaver And Buttcheeks

Ejacula

Earth Girls Are Sleazy

Mutiny On The Booty

Once Upon A Secretary

Texas Dildo Masquerade

Good The Bad And The D-cups

Single White She-male

Swinging In The Rain

Rear And Pleasant Danger

Intercourse With A Vampire

Interview With A Vibrator

Planet Of The Babes

I Know Who You Did Last Summer

Lust In Space

Wild Wild Chest

Night Of The Living Bed

Thunderpussy

Sgt. Peckers Lonely Hearts Club Gang Bang

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 06:03:07 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The eleventeenth blonde joke

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the
tank where they kept the lobsters.

She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.

Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free!

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 07:47:26 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Jeff Bezos Introduces The Latest Earthshaking Amazon Patents

        "Based on the description, (Amazon's) patent would appear to cover Web-
        based, bulletin-board type discussions (portions of which might be e-mailed)
        about items offered for sale or items being sought after for purchase."
                                -- InternetNews.com, February 26, 2003

 Hi, I'm Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.  As you may know, Amazon has been working hard to patent
several new technologies related to the Internet.  We at Amazon are very excited about the
number of day-to-day things that can now be owned and controlled.  Here are just some of
the new patents for which we have applied:

  Breathing: It has come to our attention that due to the number of Britney Spears
pictures available online, Internet surfers are using up higher quantities of Air (Amazon
Trademark) than the average person.  With our new discovery, Amazon can now charge a fee
each time an Internet user takes in oxygen from inhaled air and releases carbon dioxide by
exhaling.

  Left-handed genital manipulation: Since over 90% of Internet users are right-handed, a
natural dilemma is formed when attempting to perform certain multitasking capabilities.
Through Amazon's patent-pending technology, the realm of online masturbatory activity will
be revolutionized.

  The letter 't': Despite being a frequent advertiser on "Sesame Street," nobody owns and
operates the letter 't' as yet.  Amazon's control of the letter would guarantee a
micropayment to the company each time the letter is used anywhere online, in conversation
or in print, either in the United States or abroad.

  Overly-Hyped Press Releases: This is a process that has been used by Amazon since our
inception, though several other companies have felt the need to borrow from our invention
without giving proper credit.  Therefore, we have decided to seek patent protection each
time the following phrases appear in a press release: "we are very optimistic going
forward," "we expect to be profitable by next quarter" and "our CEO accidentally sold all
his shares the day before the company's share price collapsed."
__
 2003 Chortler.com

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 07:47:08 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator

        Up for an Oscar, but too darned busy to write your acceptance
        speech?  Have no fear!  This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad
        can do the heavy lifting for you.  Simply make your selections
        below, and let the miracle of technology handle the rest!


[________]'s Acceptance Speech for the [Lead Self-Possessed Scientologist] [Best Series of
Special Effects Passing as a Story] [Best Derivative Sitcom Screenplay] [Best Supporting
Actron] [Best Complexion in a Documentary] [Best Foreign Language Nike Commercial]
[Hungriest Union Lighting Engineer] [Outstanding Achievement in Gaffing] [Most
Over-Produced Victorian Epic] [Stupendous Animal Costume Design] Oscar:

Thank you!  Oh!  Thank you!  I can hardly [believe this!] [act!] [breathe!] [conjugate
verbs!]  I feel so [lucky!] [blessed!] [horny!] [coked-up!] [surgically enhanced!]  And
this statue - it's so [heavy!] [shiny!] [suspiciously phallic!] [Yul Brenner!] [full of
chocolate!]  Oh, thank you again!  I just want everyone to [know] [secretly suspect] [read
in the tabloids] [bow down before me and accept] that even in my wildest [pool parties]
[AA meetings] [hallucinations] [quiet times] [fits of self-loathing], I never would have
[fantasized] [imagined] [frantically prayed] [made daddy promise] that this could ever
[happen to me.] [validate my mediocrity.] [liberate me from dinner theatre.] [help me get
laid so much.] [be so meaningless.]  And to the other [brilliant] [second-rate] [closeted
homosexual] [super-amazing] [suck-ass] nominees, I want each of you to know how totally
[wonderful] [saddened] [mega-pumped] [vindicated] your [jealosy] [lackluster applause]
[plastic surgery] [crushing defeat] [fake smiles] makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I [was nominated] [was a God on Earth] [was not the
father] [was not the mother] [wasn't blonde enough], I just had to take [a minute] [a
Xanax] [an epidural] [a Carnival Cruise] [a craft seminar] and [think] [laugh] [brag]
[obsess] [scoff] about how [great] [generous] [unaesthetic] [freakish] my [experiences]
[fans] [thighs] [love scenes] have been.  I guess it all just makes me feel kinda
[special.] [numb.] [wrinkly.] [cheap.]

You know, there are so many [blood-sucking] [back-stabbing] [ass-kissing] [star-fucking]
[obsequious] ...... [leeches] [two-faced harpies] ["little people"] [stalkers] [talentless
success stories] [Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs] [exploitative agents] to thank!
First off though, I want to [thank] [rim] [bitch slap] [blackball] [pay off] the
[glorified prostitutes] [senile old bats] [esteemed idiots] [self-congratulatory circle
jerks] of the Academy, who looked deep within their [wallets] [cold, black hearts]
[lint-encrusted navels] [Magic 8-Balls] before giving me this fantastic award!

Also, I want to thank [my guru] [God] [Vishnu] [Kali] [Jesus] [Satan] [Moses] [Charleton
Heston] [Zeus] [Gilgamesh], for being such a powerful force in my [life] [loins] [kitchen]
[contract negotiations.]  And to [Mom] [Dad] [my brother] [my sister] [the People Under
the Stairs] [the US Supreme Court] [the hooker with the heart of gold,] who taught me to
take life by the [horns] [balls] [fifth of bourbon] [day].  And finally, to all the
[Producers I slept with] [personal assistants I fired] [illegitimate children I sired]
[sycophantic talk show hosts] - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!


        [ 2003 - chickenhead productions, inc. ]
____________________________________________

        Oscar Gift Bags

Each year, Academy Awards attendees take home a coveted gift bag.  Among the items to be
included this year:

  Cartier diamond-encrusted backstabbing dagger

  Gift pack of 10 get-out-of-jail-free cards courtesy of LAPD

  One kilo of uncut Peruvian flake

  Jessica Weiss, a 24-year-old production assistant with film degree from NYU, on Prada
keychain

  Oscar-night mix CD burned for everyone by Owen Wilson

  Pro-Brite soul-whitening kit

  Two packages of gourmet microwave popcorn, handpicked by unblemished Sardinian virgins
flush with the bloom of full womanhood on the slopes of Mount Elba

  Velveteen pillow stuffed with genuine locks of Bruce Vilanch's beard

  Swiss Colony summer-sausage gift-pack

  $10,000 in cash, courtesy of Citibank

  The ability to fly


        [  Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 10:11:39 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How Do They Do It?

'Tis spring today, and all of nature will be getting ready for the
annual rites.  Here's how...

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Auto racers do it at pit stops
Bach did it using his organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Butchers do it with a big fat thumb
Cement workers do it with their crack showing
Chess players check their Mates
Christians do it faithfully
Climbers do it from up on top
Cops do it with handcuffs
Dancers do it step-by-step
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Divers do it deeper
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Electricians do it without shorts
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Firemen do it with a big hose
Fisherman do it with a hook
Frank Sinatra did it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bush
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Jeep owners do it an all fours
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Lots of folks are doing it online nowadays
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Marines do it with longshoremen
Mechanics do it from underneath
Movers do it in the box
Naturalists do it in the wild
Oil drillers do it with a long greasy shaft
Philosophers do it questionably
Physicists do it with high frequency
Piano players do it with both hands
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Preachers...the devil makes them do it
Programmers do it recursively
Receptionists do it on the front desk
Security guards do it all night long
Union workers do it with pride
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Writers do it by the book
Zoologists do it with animals

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 07:36:44 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Three Ecclesiastical Faux Pas (Just Cute, Not Offensive)

ANGELS ON HIGH
One Sunday our music director very clearly announced, "Our next song is
"Angels We Have Heard Get High." He did get the page number correct in
spite of the laughter rolling through the congregation.

      ()()()()()()()()()

NEW STYLE OF PRAYER
The pastor was preparing to lead his congregation in prayer. He stated
very forcefully, "Let's bow our eyes and close our heads."

      ()()()()()()()

SICK OF PREACHING
I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing
a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his
vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so
well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through
them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing
problems, then said, " I hope you will excuse my continually removing my
glasses. You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you,
it makes me sick."

[From Lee Sissel]

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 10:47:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Truth vs. Honour.....

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has
fallen into the water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared
with a golden axe, "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter
replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe,
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe, "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was
pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep
and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the
woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into
the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez, "Is this your wife?" the Lord
asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat!
That is not true!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you
will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her,
You will thirdly come up with my wife and I will say 'yes,' and then all
three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be
able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this
time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honourable
and useful reason.

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 16:38:16 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Bush agrees to more inspections!!!!

From Griff:

News Release!!
Bush agrees to more inspections!!!!
(AP) Washington DC Monday, March 17, 2003 8:00 AM

President George Bush has made an announcement that we will not attack Iraq.

The President has announced that as of today he is agreeing to additional
inspectors to be deployed throughout the country of Iraq .

"We will be sending 250,000 additional inspectors into Iraq." said the
President in a press conference this evening.

The additional inspectors will include:

50,000 members of the 1st Infantry Division

25,000 members of the 1st Air Cavalry Division

50,000 members of the 101st Airborne Division

50,000 members of the 1st and 4th armored division with their " M1-A1 all
terrain vehicles"

Special air deliveries to aid the inspections will be made by aircraft from
the 5th Air Force Wing based in Diego Garcia as well as from the USS
Constellation, USS George Washington, USS Abraham Lincoln and USS
Enterprise.

The President stated: " We believe that with these additional inspectors
the inspections should be completed in a few weeks."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  George Dubya of the Borg: Inspections are irrelevant.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/
Looking for a pun time?  Visit http://www.punsgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 16:56:48 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Blonde is as blonde does

#1

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee,
he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the 4th row stands on her chair starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!  What makes you think you
can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community and
from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:

 "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on
your knee"

#2

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to
Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands
over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has
the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan. The bank's president and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a
$250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks
it there.

 Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very Nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While
you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else
in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for
only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

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Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 2003 18:37:27 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Parent-teacher conference

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher
seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little
girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher
explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
  "I don't understand," I replied defensively.  "Where could she have gotten
that?"
  The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine
in school and was sweet and likable.  Finally, after a pause, she added, "By
the way, Mrs. Hallinan, our appointment was tomorrow."



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