Digest for Wednesday, March 19, 2003

There are 16 messages totalling 733 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Top 10 Kitchen Skills.....
  2. French intervention [Offensive to French (maybe?)]
  3. Cannibals
  4. Two dwarfs [Adultish]
  5. Report: Majority of American Women Want to be Financially Stable Fairy Princess
  6. Elephants Can Cry
  7. LOGIC
  8. In remembrance of things we aint got no more! [Apologies to Proust :-)]
  9. 68
  10. More little phrases of wisdom
  11. Mongoose
  12. restaurant spoon
  13. Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation
  14. kids say the darndest things!
  15. March 19th ~ Pet Passport Day
  16. Compensation


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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 07:55:30 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 10 Kitchen Skills.....

The Top 10 Kitchen Skills We Resolve To Acquire In 2003.....

10. Practice the Single-Handed Lunge and Sweep until I can
consistently beat the Five Second Rule.

9.  Make that Foie Gras, Truffles and Caviar ice cream just like
the Iron Chef does.

8.  Learn to warp the subspace continuum to store 15 cubic feet of
groceries in a 12-cubic-foot refrigerator.

7. To stop getting my tongue stuck in the Seal-A-Meal.

6.  Repeat after me: Allspice does not mean dumping all the spices
I own into the pot.

5. Figure out how to make "baking soda" without the can exploding.

4. Teaching my husband the right way to load the dishwasher.

3.  See milk, milk looks lumpy, expiration date is 3 weeks past.
PITCH! Removing cap and smelling -- UNNECESSARY!

2.  Learn to recognize that foil-wrapped items that have been in
the back of the fridge for more than three months DO NOT have to
be unwrapped and identified prior to throwing in the garbage.

and the # 1 Kitchen Skill We Resolve to Acquire in 2003

1. Green vegetables: Good. Green meat: Bad.

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 14:58:21 -0600
From:    Csongor Janos <jccbtr@ELENDER.HU>
Subject: French intervention [Offensive to French (maybe?)]

Chirac said that if Iraq uses WMD, the French will join the conflict.
Did he say on which side?

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 13:18:59 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: Cannibals

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our
team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the
usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but
please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked,
"You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of
our clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the clerk?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which
the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've
been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go
and eat someone important!"







John Habkirk

Senior Data Manager

TEAMworks Clinical Services
Office:  +44 (0) 1483 510 367
Fax:     +44 (0) 1483 302 528

Email:   j.habkirk@teamworks.de



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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 05:55:14 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Two dwarfs [Adultish]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an
erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE,
TWO, THREE...UUH!" ..........all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the bed!!

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 07:54:37 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Report: Majority of American Women Want to be Financially Stable Fairy Princess

New York, NY - In a blow to the woman's movement not seem since
Hillary Clinton reluctantly agreed "to go downtown," a nationwide
survey conducted by the Woman's Health Report revealed that 98% of
American women are no longer concerned with wealth or family.  Nor are
they concerned if they rise up through the ranks of corporate America
or own a dream house in the suburbs.

In fact, the average American woman would be satisfied if she could
just sit around the castle wearing a pink taffeta dress with diamond
encrusted tiara every day until she died, according to Woman's Health
Report Chairperson Donna Sizemore.

"They all pretty much want the same thing -- to be a fairy princess
that can pay their bills on time," Sizemore says.  "The party is
over.  I don't know what the hell happened."

The study further demonstrates the incredible influence recent
television reality shows have had on the attitudes of young women.

According to one section of the study, 99.7% of American women are now
actively searching for a poetry-writing fireman like the chosen groom
of the popular reality show "The Bachelorette," with nearly everyone
in agreement that Ryan was the better choice over the more stable,
realistic, educated and financially successful Charlie.

Insurance claims adjuster Julie Henning who took part in the survey,
was one of only a half dozen women who disagreed with the findings.

"Sure, Ryan is a hottie and everything," Henning said.  But I don't
think I would marry a blue collar guy with no education no matter how
good-looking he was.

Added Henning "I would much rather marry Joe Millionaire and live in
that great castle in France!  It would be so much cooler to have all
those horses and the butler and diamond necklaces."

"What the hell is wrong with these women?" Sizemore argued
fruitlessly."  It's a TV show for chrissakes.  They can't have the
friggin castle and the butler.  Heavy lift operators don't live in
castles in France.  And they certainly don't marry chubby retards!"

Fox made the announcement Monday that "Marry a Chubby Retard" will
premiere this summer after "Joe Millionaire 2"
__
Copyright  2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 08:32:03 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Elephants Can Cry  <adultish.

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere.
Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of
a good gimmick to get people to come.  It so happened he was
watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on.
As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that
elephants don't laugh.

He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant.
It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the
circus was planning to retire.  After agreeing on a price, the man
bought the elephant.

Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign
reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh,
and soon the jar was almost full.

Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear
you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."

"Yeah, he's out back"

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter
could be heard coming from behind the bar.  Every one in the bar
raced back to see what was going on.  When they got there the
elephant was LAUGHING!!!  The man could not believe his eyes.
But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had
made the elephant laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing.  The bar
owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar
reading:  "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get
the elephant to stop laughing.  Finally the man who had gotten
the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in.  Upon seeing
the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the
elephant from laughing.  Seeings as no one had, he once more went
back behind the bar to see the elephant.

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar.  All
the patrons ran out to see what was up.  The elephant had huge
tears running down its cheeks.  Once again a bet was a bet and the
bar owner paid the man.

Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten
the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my
dick was bigger than his.  And just now I proved it."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 05:04:27 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: LOGIC

All right, let me see if I understand the logic of this correctly...
We are going to ignore the United Nations in order to make clear to Saddam
Hussein that the United Nations cannot be ignored. We're going to wage war
to preserve the UN's ability to avert war. The paramount principle is that
the UN's word must be taken seriously, and if we have to subvert its word to
guarantee that it is, then by gum, we will. Peace is too important not to
take up arms to defend. Am I getting this right?

Further, if the only way to bring democracy to Iraq is to vitiate the
democracy of the Security Council, then we are honor-bound to do that too,
because democracy, as we define it, is too important to be stopped by a
little thing like democracy as they define it.

Also, in dealing with a man who brooks no dissension at home, we cannot
afford dissension among ourselves. We must speak with one voice against
Saddam Hussein's failure to allow opposing voices to be heard. We are
sending our gathered might to the Persian Gulf to make the point that might
does not make right, as Saddam Hussein seems to think it does. And we are
twisting the arms of the opposition until it agrees to let us oust a regime
that twists the arms of the opposition. We cannot leave in power a dictator
who ignores his own people. And if our people, and people elsewhere in the
world, fail to understand that, then we have no choice but to ignore them.

Listen. Don't misunderstand. I think it is a good thing that the members of
the Bush administration seem to have been reading Lewis Carroll. I only wish
someone had pointed out that "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking
Glass" are meditations on paradox and puzzle and illogic and on the
strangeness of things, not templates for foreign policy. It is amusing for
the Mad Hatter to say something like, `We must make war on him because he is
a threat to peace,' but not amusing for someone who actually commands an
army to say that.

As a collector of laughable arguments, I'd be enjoying all this were it not
for the fact that I know--we all know--that lives are going to be lost in
what amounts to a freak, circular reasoning accident.






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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 05:43:06 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: In remembrance of things we ain't got no more! [Apologies to Proust :-)]

Friend: I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of
yours?

Woman:  Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.

Friend: But your husband is still alive.

Woman:  I know, but his hair is gone.

[From Richard Sissel]

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 03:36:06 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: 68

Stan Levitz turned 68. The family had a dinner for him. His
granddaughter's friend, Deborah, was there. She asked if
he got out much anymore. Stan said,  "Sure, I still go out
frequently,  but in pieces. First my back goes out then my
neck, then my knee...."

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 08:27:35 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: More little phrases of wisdom

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

  Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting
  youth.

  How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
  become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?

  Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
  people a company can operate without.

  Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

  Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

  No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

  There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
  It could be a right number.

  How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
  America?

  Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

  Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
  them all yourself.

  One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so
  hard the boss will think he's after his job.

  A backyard barbecue draws two things....flies and relatives.

  The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

  If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
  all.

  Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

  You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your
  panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

  I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 20:27:59 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Mongoose

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  The zoo keeper needed to purchase some new animals, so he started
composing a letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese."
That doesn't look right--too bad I don't have a dictionary, thought the zoo
keeper.  So he started over: "To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses."
That doesn't look right either, he thought.
  Finally he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose.  And
while you're at it, make it two."


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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 07:26:12 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: restaurant spoon

      Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and I =
noticed
      that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt =
pocket. It
      seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
      However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed =
he
      also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room =
and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter =
came back to serve our soup I asked,"Why the spoon?" "Well," he =
explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting experts in =
efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
      After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
      customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any =
other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 =
spoons per table per hour.
      If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can =
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per =
shift."
      As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to =
replace it
      with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to =
the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was =
rather
      impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to =
look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging =
out of the waiter's fly.
      Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
      hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and =
before he walked off I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me =
why you have that string right there? "Oh, certainly!" he answered, =
lowering his voice. "Not every one is as observant as you. That =
consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the =
restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued,"by tying this string to the =
tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without =
touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands shortening =
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
      "Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it =
out,
      how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, leaning down and =
lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I =
use the spoon."



    =20
            =20
    =20

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 23:18:37 -0500
From:    Punk Stutter <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation

        President's Televised Address Granting Saddam Hussein
        48 Hours To Stop Mistaking This George Bush For That
        Other Sissypants Chicken Quitter

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 17, 2003  - 8:01 P.M. (EST)
The Cross Hall

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow citizens, events in Iraq have now reached the
final days of my willingness to keep my personal blood lust for Saddam
Hussein in check.  For more than a decade, the United States and other
nations have successfully crushed Iraq into the ground with crippling
economic sanctions and almost-constant bombing of nearly half their
worthless desert landscape.  Yet today, Iraq's ruling regime remains
in power, seemingly for no other reason than to rub my maniacally
proud family's patrician honker in a big steaming loaf of its most
humiliating failure.

Twelve years ago, another American President named George Bush stormed
into Iraq on a noble mission of political expediency and petrochemical
liberation.  Today, Saddam Hussein had better stop mistaking this
George Bush with that one.  For indeed, we are two very different
George Bushes.  That George Bush grew up a Yankee.  That George Bush
excelled in academics.  That George Bush flew fighter jets in actual
combat.  That George Bush started companies that were profitable.
That George Bush was elected to the Presidency.  And that George Bush
successfully forged an international coalition to support his profit-
motivated exploitation of the United States Military.  But you know
what?  When push came to shove, that George Bush folded like a
frickin' origami ballerina because he was too chicken to send a few
thousand worthless grunts into the mean streets of Baghdad for some
down-and-dirty, kill-for-the-hell-of-it whoopass.

Since then, the world has engaged in 12 years of diplomacy.  We have
passed more than a dozen resolutions in the United Nations Security
Council.  We have sent hundreds of weapons inspectors to oversee the
disarmament of Iraq.  And still, our boundless paranoia cannot be
eliminated.

Today, totally objective intelligence gathered by our government
leaves no doubt that the Iraqastani regime continues to be unable to
prove that it has destroyed all those weapons Don Rumsfeld sold them
in the 70's so they could wipe out the Iranian menace.  To be sure,
this regime has already used American-produced weapons of maxi
destruction against not only its worthless Arabiac neighbors, but also
the against its own people - the majority of whom it should be noted
are America-hating terrorists.

Now some other George Bush might have been content to sit by and pass
up an opportunity to use this scoundrel as an election-winning
scapegoat.  Well this George Bush is another story, and he's sick and
tired of knowing that Saddam Hussein is living it up in the Iraqazoid
White House, having himself the kind of good old booze-and-sex-
drenched parties that make Osama bin Laden routinely call for his
ouster.  And all the while, he's laughing at my daddy.  And THAT is
something I cannot abide.  Dare anyone doubt me on that point, I urge
them to look at the facts:

When former Texas Governor Ann Richards talked shit about my daddy at
the Democratic Convention, I gave up my cushy life as a baseball
team's sure-thing investor to show that silver-haired gash what
happens when you fuck with the Bush klan.  When Bill Clinton kicked my
daddy into the gutter of the one-termer ghetto, I spared no expense or
energy sending his hand-picked boy Al "Qaeda" Gore packing to
Prozacville.  And when Ari Fleischer once snickered because my dad had
a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth, well I didn't hestiate to grab
him by that greasy horseshoe of scruff he calls hair and get all
Goodfellas on his hellbound Jewboy ass.

And so today, the first two years of my administration's deceit and
political manipulation are now reaching a moment of simulated truth.
Saddam Hussein and his sons must leave Iraq within 48 hours.  Their
refusal to do so will result in the personal vendatta-inspired
military conflict that has been a foregone conclusion since the day of
my near-election.  Indeed, the hour of my blood dynasty's
desissification is near.

And hear me well: I don't care how many colored American GI's or sub-
human Muslamian babies get killed, Saddam  so long as I never have to
spend another Kennebunkport Thanksgiving watching my pathetic old man
sob like a woman over not having had the balls to take you out when it
was legally legitimate to do so.

That is the future I have chosen.  Plutocracies have a duty to
perpetuate themselves by uniting against the conveniently demonized
and almost effortlessly defeated.  And tonight, as we have done
before, the Republican Party embraces that course of least resistance.

Good night, and may God continue to bless my re-election prospects.


        [ 2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 12:54:36 -0500
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.EDU>
Subject: kids say the darndest things!

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I
came into my bedroom about 2 a. m., I found my two children in bed with
my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep
in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O. K.
to sleep with Mommy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mommy that night.=20
They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,
there were hundreds of other folks also waiting for their arriving
passengers.
As I entered the waiting area my son saw me and came running shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"=20
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see
if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left
her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and
began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the
instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm
Mr..Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr.. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I
was, but mother says I'm not."

4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."  The little girl thought about it for a few moments and then
said, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the
altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were
sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter  Dress?" The girl
replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom
says it's a bitch to iron."

and the best for last:

7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
 cut, eating a snack cake.  The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're
gonna get hair on your Twinkie."  She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna
get boobs too."

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 21:47:41 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 19th ~ Pet Passport Day

In 2000, a Shetland sheepdog named Lucy became the first dog to fly into
Great Britain under a new pet passport law. The dog flew from Amsterdam to
Heathrow Airport outside London. The new passport law allowed cats and dogs
from selected European countries to enter into Britain without having to
spend six months in quarantine provided they meet certain criteria.

STRONG SIGNS YOU NEED A VACATION FROM DOGS
1. When your spouse's shocked  voice shouts from the shop, "Honey, come
quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and
scent neutralizer.

2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly
have room to move your body around the bed.

3. You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom

4.The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog's veterinarian.

5. When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, "Off!", then
"Down!".

6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long
forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout, "Go to your crates, now!"

7. When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply,  "Kibbles
and Bits".

8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at
you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking
for a ribbon.

9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy
suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same color
as my dog and it has no pockets."

10. When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you
think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little
short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!"

11. Dog cookies are starting to look good.

12. What's a vacation?
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 2003 23:35:18 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Compensation

One guy was explaining to his friend how the life often compensates for
a person's natural deficiencies.  "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit
blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste
has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."

"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has
one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."

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