Digest for Tuesday, March 18, 2003

There are 10 messages totalling 523 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. "This meat is hard to chew," The Old Perfesser beefed jerkily.
  2. Good news bad news
  3. Hmmmm,......
  4. Seeing Eye Dog
  5. Bush: "We Mean It"
  6. An encounter between parrots
  7. the *ultimate* solution to the iraq problem!
  8. Advice to American Tourists travelling in France
  9. Wedding report on society pages (possible offence to brides)
  10. Drunk Husband


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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 05:03:36 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: "This meat is hard to chew," The Old Perfesser beefed jerkily.

The old perfesser, sad-faced, walked into a flower shop early
one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based
on the look on his face, but soon realized his assumption was
wrong as the old perfesser asked for a basket of flowers sent to
his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly, the old perfesser replied, "Yesterday..."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

I think MrsPerfesser is mad at me for something... she said
"You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes right
out of the other."
Even worse though, I think I said back at her, "Yeah, well you
tell a woman something, and it goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth!"

            - The Old Perfesser

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old and MrsPerfesser are in bed one morning. He takes her hand,
and she says, "Don't touch me."

The old perfesser asks, "Why not?"

She answers, "Because I'm dead."

The old perfesser says, "What are you talking about? We're lying
here talking to one another."

MrsPerfesser says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

The old perfesser insists, "You're not dead. What makes you think
you're dead?"

MrsPerfesser answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this
morning, and nothing hurts."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Playtime at The Old Perfesser's fambly reunion:
       http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bellyball.shtml

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

When the old and MrsPerfesser showed up at a very popular
restaurant, it was super crowded. The old perfesser went
up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?"

The hostess, ignoring him, kept writing in her book... so
he asked again, "Ma'am, how much of a wait?"

The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

A short time later, they heard an announcement over the
loud-speaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

      -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --



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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 12:09:40 +0100
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Good news bad news

'Well', the doctor said, 'I've god news and I've bad news; what'll it be
first?'
'Give me the bad news first', the patient answered anxiously.
'Ok, we'll have to amputate your feet', the doctor said.
'Oh NO! But what can be the good news??'
'In the waiting room there's a guy who wants to buy your shoes'.

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 06:31:49 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hmmmm,......

> You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
> the best golfer is a black guy, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 06:08:52 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Seeing Eye Dog

This story is sometimes told as if it's true but it's really just a funny
story. -rw
=======================

       Seeing Eye  Dog

        A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to  San
Francisco.Unexpectedly, the plane  stopped in Sacramento along the way.
The  flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the
passengers wanted to get off  the aircraft, the plane would re-board in
50 minutes.

        Everybody got  off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
My buddy had noticed  him as he walked by and could tell the man
was blind because his seeing  eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats
in front of him  throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this  very flight before because the
pilot approached  him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're  in
Sacramento for almost an  hour. Would you like to get off and stretch
your legs?"

        The blind guy  replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch his  legs."
        Picture this:
        All the people in the gate area came to a  complete quiet stand
still when they looked up and  saw the pilot walk off the plane with the
Seeing Eye dog!
        The pilot  was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.

        They not only  tried to change planes, but they were trying to
change airlines!    True story...

        Have  a great day and remember ... things aren't always as they
appear

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 07:46:57 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Bush: "We Mean It"

NEW YORK  UN Security Council Members ended yet another closed-door
meeting without a long-sought consensus on the deepening crisis in
Iraq, drawing harsh criticism from the White House.

"We will not allow the United Nations to determine our timeline of
action," insisted President Bush in an oval office question-and-answer
session.  "We mean it.  U.N. Resolution 35,223 clearly states that
Iraq must withdraw from Eastern Europe or face serious consequences.
If this isn't a material breach of U.N. resolution 29,298, I don't
know what is."

Furthermore, Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has refused cooperation with
U.N. inspectors who have expanded their role to determine if, in fact,
the Iraqi army has control of Moscow, as the White House charges.

"They need to be more forthcoming," concurs chief weapons inspector
Hans Blix.  "But I would like to reiterate that I believe the delivery
of a pike with the decapitated head of Vladimir Putin skewered to it
shows a growing willingness of cooperation from the Iraqis."

Nations opposed to U.S. intervention have continually cited a lack of
evidence that Hussein has weapons of mass destruction, or would be
willing to use them.

"We are not convinced," emphasized French President Jacques
Chirac, "that the sudden disappearance of Israel and Turkey has
anything to do with the innocent people of Iraq."

Meanwhile, the World Health Organization could not confirm a final
death toll in the mysterious, rare, naturally occurring anthrax
snowstorm blanketing the entire state of Florida.

"We are not convinced," repeated Chirac, "that the sudden appearance
of an Iraqi-engineered anthrax strain in the form of a massive
blizzard over Miami Beach is not the result of our failed Kyoto
initiative which was vetoed by the United States.  This is no reason
to abandon the peace process."

Meanwhile, as Congressional leaders prepare to return to their
respective districts for the Christmas Holiday, attitudes reflected a
growing sense of frustration with the pace that the White House is
maintaining in the War on Terrorism.

"Too fast, too fast," vented Senator Tom Daschle (D-SD).  "What's the
rush?  Let's all go home, gather our remaining loved ones, and
remember that the United Nations is serving its purpose."

In related news, there is still no dial tone in Japan.
__
by Dirk McQuickly
 Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 07:15:54 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An encounter between parrots

A family leaving church one day told the pastor about their parrot.
They moaned that all he ever said was, "Let's neck, Let's neck."

The pastor told them that he had a parrot with much better manners which would
always say, "Let's pray, Let's pray."

The family decided to take their parrot to visit the pastor's parrot and let it
learn some better manners. The family's parrot immediately said, "Let's neck,
Let's neck."

In response the pastor's parrot said, "My prayers have been answered; My prayers
have been answered!"

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 08:38:55 -0500
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.EDU>
Subject: the *ultimate* solution to the iraq problem!

- its all about one guy, right?  we're going to war because of one guy!
and he's not even worth it!!!

the solution? put all the bucks we're going to blow on this adventure up
on a BOUNTY!

would one of the generals in saddam's Red Guard pull the trigger once or
twice for $25 billion? let's find out!

america is the king of efficiency and productivity - let's put our money
where our economic theories are!

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 14:54:12 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: Advice to American Tourists travelling in France

  Traveling in France

  The following advice for American travelersgoing to France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US
  Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres
  for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the
French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers
only.


  General Overview

  France is a medium-sized foreign country situated inthe continent of
  Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
  nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
  Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with
not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures,
such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western
civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although
France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is
little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican
food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people
insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
  Watch your money at all times.

  The People

  France has a population of 54 million people. 51 million of these people
drink and smoke, (the other 3 million are small children). All French people
drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of
standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other
when they meet. American travllers are advised to travel in groups and to
wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.



  Safety

  In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware
that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally the French
surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before.
  A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
  been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French Government to
flee to London during future German invasions.


  History

  France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.
  Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots,
  Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was
  President for many years and is now an airport.


  Government

  The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
  held more or less continuously, and always result in a draw. The French
  love administration so for government purposes the country is divided into
regions, departments, districts'municipalities, towns, communes, villages,
cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and
elections.
  Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
  (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members
  are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom should be trusted by
  the Traveler. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic
  bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when
  other countries complain. According to the most current American
  State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named
  Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.


  Culture

  The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see
why. All their music sounds the same, and they have never made a
  movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.



  Cuisine

  Let's face it: no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
  excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce
  this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.



  Economy

  France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
  in Europe, which is surprising because the French people hardly work
  at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch,
  they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and
  tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the
  economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles,
  champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
  aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.



  Public
  Holidays

  France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among
  its 361 national holidays are: 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
Triumph as if He Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile
Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 12 "France is Great and
  the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days. Other important holidays are
National Nuclear Bomb Day (January12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day
(March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12). Bastille Day is July
14. (or as the French would say, "14 July")



  Conclusion

  France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
  temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was
  not inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for
  France is that it is not Germany.





 Keep smiling Squiffy  - :o)
Exercise those chuckle muscles -
http://www.btinternet.com/~squiffyshouseoffun

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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 06:50:08 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Wedding report on society pages (possible offence to brides)

Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own
wedding, the University at which Rob Tombes works carried in its news
weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage here to Mary Beth
Snyder:

"Mr Robert Tombes, son of Dr. and Mrs. Averett S. Tombes of Fairfax, Va.,
became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Snyder today at Fairfax
Presbyterian Church.

"Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas Hamilton Tombes as best
man. As the groom approached the altar he was the cynosure of all eyes.
Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the clergyman in low
but firm tones. He was charmingly clad in a 3-piece suit consisting of
coat, vest and pants. The coat, of some dark material, was draped
handsomely about the shoulders and tastefully gathered under the arms. A
touching story was current among the guests that the coat was the one worn
by his father and grandfather on their wedding days. Mr. Tombes would
neither affirm nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch. The vest was
sleeveless and met in the front. It was gracefully fashioned with pockets
and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of the same
material.

"The groom's pants were of some dark material, and were suspended from the
waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor. The severe
simplicity of the garment was relieved by the right pantelet which was
caught up about four inches from the floor by a Boston Brighton worn
underneath, revealing just the artistic glimpse of leather, laced with
string of the same color. The effect was rather chic.

"Beneath the vest the groom wore blue galluses attached to the pants fore
and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His neck was
encircled with a collar characterized by a delicate sawedge, and around
the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up under his left
ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks supreme artistry in
dress.

"The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and as
the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped the
audience.

"As Miss Snyder led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she
wore the conventional white veil and orange blossoms."

[From Richard Sissel]


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Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 2003 10:39:14 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Drunk Husband

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his
wife waiting for him at the door.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" she screams.  "It's FOUR IN THE
MORNING!"

He says, "Aww, I just stopped at this bar.  I was only going
to have one drink...but this bar, it was incredible.
EVERYTHING in it was gold-plated.  They had a gold rail
under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold
shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the
mirror behind the bar was gold.  The cash register was gold.
I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering
drinks, so I could stay in the bar and look at it.  Hell,
even when I went to the Men's Room to take a leak, they had
gold-plated urinals... Man, I want to tell you, it was
wonderful."

"I don't believe that story for one goddamn minute," his
wife said.  "What was this place called?"

"Hell," he replies, "I can't remember... I got too drunk,
and I forgot."

"You're gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober
up, or I'm going to divorce you!" she said.

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under
"BARS", but none of the names ring a bell.  He decides that
he'll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about
the decor in their establishments. He's called about 50 bars
so far, and still no luck.  Finally, he calls one bar, asks
his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the
bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

"Here," the man says, handing the phone to his wife.  "Ask
this bartender if I'm lying!"

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender
about all the things her husband had told her about on the
previous night... the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors,
the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she
says, "Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my
husband says you even have gold-plated urinals...  Do you?"

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears
him yell "HEY LOUIE!!  I think I know who took a leak in
your saxophone..."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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