Digest for Monday, March 17, 2003

There are 13 messages totalling 506 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Today is St. Patricks Day!
  2. Happy St. Patricks Day!
  3. Cheering-up the Sick and Lame
  4. The Proctologists Office.....
  5. Nervous Hussein Posts Resume On Major Internet Sites
  6. Possible offensive to the aged
  7. The Engagement Ring
  8. swim suit
  9. An elderly lady
  10. MONDAY ~ March 17th ~ St. Patricks Day
  11. Hiccups
  12. This Weeks Horoscopes < adult >
  13. good news -- bad news.


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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 01:27:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Today is St. Patrick's Day!

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle
under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he
said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British
lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also
knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no
response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye
fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the
confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics
and commence confessin' your sins!"
      ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---
Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of
a country road. A car comes around the corner, turns hard
to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in the
field. Jimmy say to Eamonn, "It's just as well we got out
of that field..."
      ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol,
the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, "Fill it up, will you?"
The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the
man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would
you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds,
"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the
attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the
by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant,
"Just what kind of petrol station is this?" The attendant
then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the
man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the
tyres!"
      ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---
May the grass grow green in your fields, May the sun shine
warmly at your back, And may you be back home in your
apartment A half-hour before you start puking your guts
out.
      ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---
SAINT PATRICK AND THE SERPENTS
               (c) William T. Edmonds, Jr.

Archeologists excavating in County Meath Ireland have
recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St.
Patrick dating back to  455 A.D. It was found near the
famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St.
Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great
Celtic kings.
The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the
oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland.
It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the
20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara
Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may
be in St. Patrick's own hand.

Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are
excited by information translated from the original Celt
that purports to support what up to now has been
considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's driving the
serpents out of Ireland.

Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God
revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a
vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God
said to him in the vision:

    "Pat! Trust me, it tastes just like chicken."

When questioned, the Vatican had no comment.
      ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred
miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son,"
admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
      ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---  ---
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with
British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word
'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He
said that the term means "maybe the job will be done
to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that.
Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on
the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in
Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that
degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
************************
May the saint protect ye, an' sorrow neglect ye, An' bad
luck to the one that doesn't respect ye,
T' all that belong to ye, an’ long life t' yer
honor-
That's the end of my song t' ye!

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 05:07:37 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Happy St. Patrick's Day!

After overtaking Paddy the taximan, who was speeding, the
policeman said to him, "You were doing ninety five miles
an hour.  What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Paddy answered, "Well, you see officer, my brakes failed
about 3 miles back and I was rushing home before I caused
an accident!"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

A boasting American said to O'Connor, "Back in the States we
can erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks."

O'Conner replied, "That's nothin'... we can start a row of
houses in the morning, and on the way home from work the
bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind
with the rent!"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
A: Smell his breath.

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

Seamus O'Brien was applying for a job as a prison guard.
The warden said to him, "Now there are some real tough guys
here. Do you think you can handle it?"

Seamus replied, "No problem at all. If they don't behave,
out they go!"

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop
smoking... it's called Nicotine's Anonymous.

If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send
a man over and you get drunk together.

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

O'Brien was boasting of his grandfather... "He lived for
94 years and never once used glasses!"

"He had the right of it," nodded Sullivan. "I always said
it was healthier to drink from the bottle."

  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

A Clipping from a Cork newspaper

DONNACHIES  BAR   COBH
Due to the sad death of Paddy, the bar to all intents and
purposes, will remain closed during our grief, but so as
not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will
remain ajar. Tis what Paddy wanted.
Thank you.
Donnachie family


********************
May the wind at your back not be the result of
the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.



_________________________________________________________________
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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 05:13:11 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Cheering-up the Sick and Lame

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a
nun walked into his room.  She was there to cheer up the sick
and lame.  They start  talking and she asks about his life.  He
talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic
family.God is very proud of you."

"Actually, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 06:42:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Proctologist's Office.....

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor
told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be
with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began
observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to
the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know
what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At
that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......Dammit,
Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 07:30:11 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Nervous Hussein Posts Resume On Major Internet Sites

San Jose, California - Companies worldwide, searching for job candidates, may have been
surprised to see the newly-posted resume of Saddam Hussein appear on several of the major
internet job search sites.  This action by Hussein may be an indicator that he has begun
accepting the speculation swirling about his limited future as the Iraqi dictator.

Highlights of the resume, which details current and past work history, include:

Professional Objective: Obtain a position, commensurate with my experience and background,
which will allow me total, unfettered control of a large country or company.

1979 - Present President and Dictator of Iraq
Responsible for all decisions, policies, personnel, financial matters, facilities,
operations, planning, public relations, rules enforcement, mergers and acquisitions,
supplier management, contracts, as well as numerous other aspects related to the
day-to-day operations of a dictatorship.

"Throughout my tenure, I have always considered myself a people-oriented dictator.  My
reputation as a popular, benevolent leader, is clearly reflected in the fact that I
received 100% of the vote in my most recent election.  Some countries leaders cannot even
claim to have won the popular vote in their election.

"On paper, he has a number of very good skills which may be attractive to specific
companies," states professional recruiter Tom Woltron of "The Woltron Group".  "Major
companies, and some developing countries, are looking for aggressive, proven leadership.
He clearly fits this mold, but there are significant potential problems, in how Hussein
implements business decisions, that may deter companies from hiring him", Woltron
suggests.

"Take for example the typical company's approach to terminating problem employees versus
Hussein's solution.  Most companies offer 60 days written notice, a severance package, and
COBRA insurance coverage.  Hussein may choose to handle this situation, as he has in the
past, with a good, strong batch of mustard gas.  While this is a more cost-effective,
near-term solution, this heavy-handed approach does tend to make shareholders uneasy".
Woltron added, "His approach towards takeovers may also not mesh well with today's
corporate culture, except in the Telecom sector."

Woltron also raised questions about personal references listed on the resume.  "Sure, bin
Laden is a household name, but he is hiding because he is afraid of dying, so reaching him
for his recommendations would be difficult, at best."
__
by G. Alan Groop
© Copyright 2003 Broken Newz

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 07:01:14 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Possible offensive to the aged

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

[From Richard Sissel]




---------------------------------
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Yahoo! Web Hosting - establish your business online

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 11:34:02 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Engagement Ring

A young man proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.  He gave
her a ring with a synthetic diamond.  The excited young lady
showed it to her father, a jeweler.  He took one look at it and
saw it wasn't real.

The young lady, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her boy-
friend. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"But it was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave
you a sham rock.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 07:34:17 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: swim suit

 What's the difference between a G-string and a=20
thong?

 A  G-string either touches your=20
G-spot or makes a man want to do it!

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 20:03:08 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An elderly lady

An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been
broken into. She was hysterical as she explained to the dispatcher, “They’ve
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and the accelerator
pedal!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A short while later, the officer radioed in to the dispatcher: “Disregard. She
got in the back seat by mistake.”

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 18:46:45 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: MONDAY ~ March 17th ~ St. Patrick's Day

Saint Patrick, who died on this date in 461, is the patron saint of Ireland.
This is a day to wear green or orange to show your Irish heart. The first
Saint Patrick's Day celebration in the U.S. was held in Boston,
Massachusetts in 1737.

IRISH GENIE
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying
in the sand.  He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a
genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you
three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I
think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

 POOF!  There is a pint of stout in his hand.  He drinks it down, and starts
to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again
before I threw it if I were you."

So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout.

The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up
after you finish it."

The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two
more of these."
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 18:48:15 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Hiccups

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  Strapped into the electric chair, the serial rapist gets the hiccups just as
the warden's about to pull the switch.  "Do you have any last requests?"
the warden asks.
  "(Hic) Yeah," the guy says, "(hic) could you please do (hic) something
to scare me?"



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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 21:56:34 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes  < adult >

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
   There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure.  Assuming, of
course, that you don't count the bone cancer.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
   For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere.  Please stop asking.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
   You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations,
but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
   Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you
discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
   A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident,
but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
   You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that
you don't care that she's dead.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
   The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes
you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
   You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song,
but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to
have a good time.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
   After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it
winds up taking less than three days.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
   Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown
funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
   Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive,
Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
   The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home
legendary-blood transfusion kit.


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 2003 23:33:08 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: good news -- bad news.

After submitting to X-rays, electrocardiograms, and blood tests,
the anxious patient waited for the doctor's opinion.  "Howard,"
the physician began, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine."

"And the bad news?"

"You're going to pay for it."

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