Digest for Sunday, March 16, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 636 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Disarmament Clinic
  2. Plastic surgery [Adultish]
  3. Job Dismissals
  4. I Cant Believe We Made It.....
  5. The Confession
  6. Another blonde joke
  7. Woman of the 21st Century
  8. Arkansas Love Poem
  9. Statement by the First Lady
  10. Life of Riley
  11. Highly trained parrot
  12. SUNDAY ~ March 16th ~ Fertilizer Law Day


Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 02:02:37 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Disarmament Clinic

[USA]:  (Knock)
[Saddam Hussein]:  Come in.
[USA]:  Ah, Is this the right place for disarmament?
[Saddam]:  I told you once that I've disarmed.
[USA]:  No you haven't.
[Saddam]:  I've already disarmed.
[USA]:  When?
[Saddam]:  Just now.
[USA]:  No you didn't.
[Saddam]:  Yes I did.
[USA]:  You didn't
[Saddam]:  I did!
[USA]:  You didn't!
[Saddam]:  I'm telling you I did!
[USA]:  You did not!!
[Saddam]:  Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment.  Do you mean full disarmament or just a couple
of missiles?
[USA]:  Oh, full disarmament.
[Saddam]:  Ah, thank you.  Anyway, I did.
[USA]:  You most certainly did not.
[Saddam]:  Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely disarmed.
[USA]:  No you did not.
[Saddam]:  Yes I did.
[USA]:  No you didn't.
[Saddam]:  Yes I did.
[USA]:  No you didn't.
[Saddam]:  Yes I did.
[USA]:  No you didn't.
[Saddam]:  Yes I did.
[USA]:  You didn't.
[Saddam]:  Did.
[USA]:  Oh look, this isn't compliance with UN Resolution 1441.
[Saddam]:  Yes it is.
[USA]:  No it isn't.  It's just defiance.
[Saddam]:  No it isn't.
[USA]:  It is!
[Saddam]:  It is not.
[USA]:  Look, you just contradicted me.
[Saddam]:  I did not.
[USA]:  Oh you did!!
[Saddam]:  No, no, no.
[USA]:  You did just then.
[Saddam]:  Nonsense!
[USA]:  Oh, this is futile!
[Saddam]:  No it isn't.
[USA]:  I came here for a full accounting for destruction of your weapons.
[Saddam]:  No you didn't; no, you came here for compliance.
[USA]:  Compliance isn't just saying "I've disarmed."
[Saddam]:  It can be.
[USA]:  No it can't.  Compliance is revealing and destroying weapons of mass destruction
in full view of U.N. inspectors.
[Saddam]:  No it isn't.
[USA]:  Yes it is!  It's not just empty statements.
[Saddam]:  Look, if I comply with the UN, I must say I've disarmed.
[USA]:  Yes, but full disarmament isn't just saying "I've disarmed."
[Saddam]:  Yes it is!
[USA]:  No it isn't!  Disarmament is an open process.  Declarations of de-weaponizing
absent records or hard evidence of actual destruction of WMDs is useless.


[Saddam]:  No it isn't.
[USA]:  It is.
[Saddam]:  Not at all.
[USA]:  Now look.
[Saddam]:  (Rings bell) Good Morning.
[USA]:  What?
[Saddam]:  That's it.  Good morning.
[USA]:  I was just getting started.
[Saddam]:  Sorry, the inspections are done.
[USA]:  That was never disarmament!
[Saddam]:  I'm afraid it was.
[USA]:  It wasn't.


[Saddam]:  I'm sorry, but I'm not allowing inspections anymore.
[USA]:  What?!
[Saddam]:  If you want me to allow inspections, you'll have to pass another UN resolution.
[USA]:  Yes, but that was never compliance, just now.  Oh come on!
[Saddam]:  (Hums)
[USA]:  Look, this is ridiculous.
[Saddam]:  I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've passed another U.N.
[USA]:  Oh, all right.  (passes 18th resolution against Iraq)
[Saddam]:  Thank you.


[USA]:  Well?
[Saddam]:  Well what?
[USA]:  That wasn't really compliance, just now.
[Saddam]:  I told you, I'm not going to allow inspections unless you've passed a UN
[USA]:  I just did!
[Saddam]:  No you didn't.
[USA]:  I DID!
[Saddam]:  No you didn't.
by Eric Lindholm

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 06:22:12 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Plastic surgery [Adultish]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob
is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her
skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman
wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and
vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed
two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the
knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 07:55:29 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Job Dismissals

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned.
Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.  It was
a sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.


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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 08:21:45 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I Can't Believe We Made It.....

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's,
probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had
no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we
took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a
special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We
ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it but
we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.  We would
leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when
the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No
cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at
all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound,
personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there
were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was
to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls  and, although we were
told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or
rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.  Some students
weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to
repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of  parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or
broke a law was unheard of.  They actually sided with the school or
the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers, and inventors, ever. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility and we learned how to deal with it.

And you're one of them! Congratulations.

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids
before lawyers and government regulated our lives for our own good!!!

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 06:47:21 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: The Confession

A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish.  A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but
he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional,
can never be broken.  However, I got my first impressions of the
parish from the first confession I heard here.  I can only hint
vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first
chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer.  Further, he told me he had embezzled
money from his place of business and had an affair with his
boss's wife. I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that
my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a
fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honour of being
the first one to go to him in confession."
Due to the current world situation, the light at the
end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 12:24:40 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Another blonde joke

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.  Unfazed, the blonde assures
the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a
regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at
it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 09:12:40 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Woman of the 21st Century <lang&adult&off.to women>

Woman of the 21st Century wears Gucci shoes, Prada=20
bag, brings cellphone and laptop, and thinks Cooking &=20
Fucking are two cities in China.

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 13:18:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <wrwoodman@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Arkansas Love Poem

Arkansas Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 15:13:06 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Statement by the First Lady

        "Preserving America's Commercial Treasures:"
        Remarks By Mrs. Bush To Daughters Of The American Revolution

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 10, 2003  - 10:27 A.M. (EST)

THE FIRST LADY: Good afternoon.  You know, liberals like to pretend that ethnic cesspools
like New York City are where our nation's citizens go for a big heaping does of American
culture.  Well, I think I speak for Real Americans everywhere when I say I'd rather spend
a lovely afternoon amongst the endless shelves of glass and pebble figurines at the Rock
City gift shop in Chattanooga, Tennessee than being bored silly by wall after wall of
degenerate abstraction pictures at the Museum of Modern Art!  Like most conservative
homemakers, give me the sales at an outlet mall over the exhibits at the Washington Mall
any old day!

But, sadly, much of the American culture that we treasure and trade on E-Bay is being
threatened.  And the Franklin Mint can't preserve our heritage all by itself!  That is why
my husband has made veiled threats to Congress if they don't approve $30,000,000 to erect
thousands of "Preserve Our Darn Culture!!!!" billboards throughout this beautiful land
something might just happen to their children.

These wonderful two-color billboards will all be done as part of Preserve America, a new
White House initiative that will provide communities with greater support to protect and
restore our nation's cultural resources.  The Departments of Interior and Commerce and the
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation are strong partners in this initiative.  For
example, in the next five years, we hope to save hundreds of financially troubled
McDonalds from the unpatriotic swing of heartless wrecking balls.  It is so very important
that when we are long rotting in a cold, worm-infested grave that if our great-great-great
grandchildren have a hankering for greasy food served with nostalgic slowness and filth,
they can do as we did and easily locate a McDonalds from a speeding car.  It is for this
reason that all 14,549 Golden Arches in this country will be designated as Historical

Please hold your applause until I raise my right hand like this.

No, that was just a demonstration.  I don't wish to be interrupted right now.  I hate
being interrupted.  Few things get my goat like being thrown off carefully rehearsed
patter.  Anyway, where was I?

As you traveled here, you may have flown over America's patchwork landscape of corporate
farms, oil refineries and landfills.  You may have driven along a highway access road,
chock full of gas stations, fast food restaurants and pornographic bookstores with private
video booths with holes in between the booths that are used for - well, I don't need to
spell it out for you.  You may have even walked past a Shoney's with its classic statue of
a robust young man filled with the exuberance that only comes from ground beef.

Every mile of your trip was a journey through America's great heritage - a heritage our
parents and grandparents bestowed to us and each of you continue to build upon and make
just a little bit more electrifying.

America is blessed with historic architecture, landscapes and communities.  Every one
tells a story about the past and provides insight for the future.  But to prepare for the
future, we must remember our history.  It is like the President always says, "Those who
don't learn from history have the wonderful pleasure of repeating it so you don't feel
like you've missed out on stuff."

Imagine a vast, open space of green and gold dotted with trees of poplar and pine.
Imagine endless waterways and prairies full of deer and bear.  Imagine oceans of grasses
as far as the eye can see.  This was the abounding West of America more than 200 years
ago.  It was where President Thomas Jefferson and a band of explorers longed to go and
build lots of stuff on.

It was this dull wasteland that was yearning for a touch of Americana.  Can you believe,
you could travel miles and miles without seeing one cloverleaf interchange, much less a
Burger King?  Yes, our founding fathers had much work ahead of them.  But first we had to
kill all the half-naked Indian savages.

This is what Preserve America is all about.  Our nation's cultural and natural resources
are important parts of our heritage.  Preserve America will promote historic and cultural
preservation and encourage greater public appreciation of our national treasures.

One problem we have is that many people don't even know where this country's cultural
landmarks are.  For example, those of you who know where "Crazy Bob's Fireworks
Superstore" is, please raise your hands.

Dear me!  It's worse than I thought!

That is why, starting next year, you will begin seeing illuminated red, white and blue
signs along our nation's roads.  Beginning 100 miles from each cultural landmark, there
will be sign with my picture on it (I'm wearing my favorite cucumber pantsuit) and a clear
designation, for example: "Laura says it is only 100 miles to Butts County's first
Stuckey's."  So that distracted motorists don't miss these designated attractions, a sign
will also countdown each mile, until, the hundredth sign: "Laura says you are here!"

The very definition of heritage is something that is passed down from preceding
generations.  So I ask you today, what will we pass down to our children - what will their
heritage be?  Can we ever hope to top the fabulous cornucopia of colorful retail signage
that brightens a dreary stretch of asphalt like a riotous spray of wildflowers that our
forefathers have passed down for our driving pleasure?  Truly, they are not called "the
Greatest Generation" for nothing!

Every American deserves to discover and learn about our nation's heritage.  But imagine if
our grandchildren could never see the neon and showgirls of Las Vegas?  Imagine if they
could not step under the shade of the same oak tree that our forefathers had used to
string up a colored man who had inappropriately leered at one of their Caucasian

Many of our historic sites and monuments are deteriorating and need to be preserved.  Just
last weak, I took a tour of K-Mart store in Wheeling, West Virginia and I was moved to
tears by the unsightly linoleum floors.  Filthy!  Fortunately for America, I always travel
with Clorox.  So, believe me when I say, I am proud to serve as the honorary chair of Save
America's Treasures which is working to restore and protect these valuable pieces of
American commercial history.  And I am proud of the President's commitment to continue to
support Save America's Treasures with 30 million dollars this year.  Thanks to the
President, that very K-Mart today has floors you could eat off!

The President wants to continue this support and the preservation of our heritage through
Preserve America.  Today, President Bush signed an Executive Order on Preserve America to
ensure that everyone, especially our children, will continue to explore and learn from
historic treasures like our nation's first 7-11 convenience store in El Paso.

This order directs federal agencies to inventory and promote greater use of historical
sites and overrides meddlesome state, tribal, and local government zoning regulations.
Preserve America will provide more opportunities for preservation and increase tourism and
economic development.  There are so many stories of preservation at work in our

 My favorite example is close to our home at the White House.  Arlington House is the
ancestral home of Robert E. Lee.  This beautiful building overlooks Washington, DC, from
Arlington National Cemetery.  Sadly, the politically correct pirates who bowdlerize our
sacred history had the "Slavery Fun House" and all of the whips usually made available to
eager tourists as part of the hands-on educational exhibit "Watch Shiftless Negroes Sing
While Picking Cotton."  Thanks to federal funds - and wire transfers to shut Jesse
Jackson, All Sharpton and Coretta Scott King up - these fun-filled exhibits will soon
reopen to America's families who can afford the new $30 admission price.

And recently in Topeka, Kansas, the Westboro Baptist Church was lovingly restored to its
previous splendor by power-washing its cinderblocks for about eight minutes.  Construction
is almost complete on a covered walkway to link the sanctuary to the new "AIDS Cures Fags
Cultural Center," which houses the nation's largest collection of signs and sandwich
boards with scatological invective.

Our open spaces and landscapes also provide us with great opportunities for learning.
Preserve America will promote new ways to lure developers to squandered unused spaces,
such as our glut of National Parks.  We will also encourage new ideas for using barren,
worthless land to make homes for foul-smelling chemicals and leaky radioactive canisters
that are now often simply left curbside in our major cities.

I know that all of you, who are not America-hating traitors, join me in heralding this
important day as the first day of the rest of our lives -- and a day when America finally
stopped taking for granted the wonderful contributions it has made to commercial culture.

Thank you.

        [ 2001-2003 - a chickenhead productions parody ]

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 15:51:34 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Life of Riley

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time
resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe
that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a
boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best
restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

[From Lee Sissel]

Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Web Hosting - establish your business online

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 16:32:21 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Highly trained parrot

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  Browsing in a pet shop, a man sees a beautiful parrot with a red string
tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg.  He asks the store
owner about the strings.  "This is a highly trained creature," the owner
explains.  "If you pull the red string, he speaks German; if you pull the
green string, he speaks Spanish."
  "What happens if I pull both at once?" the curious man asks.
  "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeches the parrot.

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 17:26:57 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: SUNDAY ~ March 16th ~ Fertilizer Law Day <ADULT>

The first fertilizer law was passed in 1871.

This is being sent to you for we know that you are critically interested in
your lawn. This is a fertilizer club, it will not cost you a cent to join.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the first house on the top of the list
and poop on the lawn. You will not be the only one there so don't be

Then make five (5) copies of this letter, leaving out the first name on the
list and adding your own to the bottom. Send these five copies to five of
your friends who appreciate a good lawn. You will not get any money or
checks. But within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,125
people pooping on your lawn.

Your reward will come next summer when your lawn will be the greenest lawn
in the neighborhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt
236 Corn Cob Lane

Mrs. Lucy Bowels
29 Bedpan Lane

Mrs. Smel E. B. Hind
234 Dia Rea Way

Mrs. C Howie Pharts
276 Fertilizer Parkway

Mr Orval Crap
346 Enema Dr

Mr. C. Bigger Movements
U 2 Rectum Road

Mrs. Took A Leak
765 Running Loose Lane

Very Truly Yours,
Your Friendly Neighbor

P.S. If you are constipated pass this along to your neighbor. Do not break
this chain. One man didn't give a poop and he lost his entire lawn. Don't
let this happen to you!
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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