Digest for Saturday, March 15, 2003

There are 16 messages totalling 635 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Us Invades Pakistan "By Mistake"
  2. THE YEARS BEST ACTUAL 2002 HEADLINES
  3. Reality Has Finally Set In.....
  4. The good and the bad
  5. Definitions
  6. WP definitions (Some profanities)
  7. Spring Break
  8. A Urologists License Plate
  9. Scientists Discover Enormously Long Sentence
  10. X-ray safety
  11. A kitty cat prayer
  12. visual jukenasty>
  13. SATURDAY ~ March 15th ~ International Bosss Day Off
  14. Johnny Paycheck Cashes In
  15. If you had more Faith you could be healed
  16. Sunday Bulletin at the Church Of Chuckles


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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 02:02:56 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Us Invades Pakistan "By Mistake"

The United States has issued an apology to Pakistan for the invasion of its sovereign
territory by American forces, which the US has put down to "the kind of simple mistake
anyone could make."

The US State Department has explained that the mistake arose over the "ever so slight
similarity" between Iraq and Pakistan.  Apparently, an enthusiastic junior clerk became
confused when his briefing documents identified the "Number One Enemy of Freedom" as an
Eastern Muslim state which had invaded a neighbouring country several years ago, was run
by a military dictator, harboured and trained Al Qaeda operatives and was in possession of
illegal weapons of mass destruction.

"This is the kind of silly misunderstanding that could happen to anyone," explained a
department spokesman.  "The clerk just jumped to the conclusion that the country must be
America's firmest ally, Pakistan, rather than its deadliest foe, Iraq.  Clearly, if he had
stopped for a moment to consider the difference between this peace-loving defender of
freedom and this war-mongering supporter of terrorism he would have sorted it out in the
twinkling of an eye."  On being asked to explain what the precise differences were, the
spokesman then remembered that he had left some bacon under the grill and had better rush
to stop it burning and even if he hadn't he was urgently needed elsewhere, immediately.

It is still unclear precisely how a junior clerk was then able to order the entire might
of the US Armed Forces to invade Pakistan.  However, it has been absolutely denied that
the "junior clerk" was actually President Bush and that he was found locked in the Oval
Office with his hands on the "nuclear launch joystick" steering the satellite guidance
system towards Islamabad.  The spokesman did concede however that confusing Baghdad and
Islamabad or Pakistan and Palestine was the kind of mistake "any leader of the free world
could make.  Or junior clerk, obviously"

Further suspicions have been aroused, however, by the discovery of a list of "Criteria of
Terrorist Countries" that Mr Bush has personally drawn up to present to the United
Nations.  The list, which Mr Bush has been using himself, would serve to act as an aide
memoire for the Security Council to assist them in identifying "Rogue States."  The list
identifies "likely terrorist regimes" as countries that are "a long way away and have
mainly brown-skinned people who speak funny and have a lot of facial hair.  But definitely
not Israel."

Mr Bush has also expressed a personal apology to Pakistan and has promised to look more
favourably on their request for help in "negotiating" with India.  "I'm certainly grateful
to the Pakistanis for identifying another country harbouring enemies of freedom.  Until
they pointed them out to me, I thought we'd got rid of those pesky Indians after Custer's
last stand."
__
 The Brains Trust

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 06:07:41 -0500
From:    Rose Vos (aka Jenneaux) <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: THE YEAR'S BEST ACTUAL 2002 HEADLINES

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Is there a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

Miners Refuse to Work After Death.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.

War Dims Hope for Peace.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

Jenneaux's Jokes
www.geocities.com/jenneaux

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 06:41:48 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Reality Has Finally Set In.....

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky  tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do  it.

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you pass gas.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing couple of car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

17. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgement.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the "Force". It has a light side and dark side
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry and get slapped on our
butts.....then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and  "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it "WAY"
too seriously.

THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS THE ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 12:58:06 +0100
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: The good and the bad  <slightly adult>

A man is examined by his doctor.
'Well', the doctor says,'I've good news and I've bad news for you.
What'll it be first?
'
'Give me the bad news first, please'.
'Oke, you'll die in about three months'.
'For heaven's sake, man What can be the good news?
'
'Tonight I'm dating my assistent', the doc replies.

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 08:22:17 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Definitions

Twenty Something  -- The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.

Fancy Restaurant  -- One that serves cold soup on purpose.

College  -- The four-year period when parents are
permitted access to the telephone.

Hors D'oeuvres  -- A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Kissing  --  A means of getting two people so close together
that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

Emergency Numbers  -- Police station, Fire Department and
Places That Deliver.





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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 05:51:36 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: WP definitions (Some profanities)

[from Michele Gennette on REHU]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners.

REINTARNATION
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

FOREPLOY
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

GIRAFFITI
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

SARCHASM
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

INOCULATTE
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

HIPATITIS
Terminal coolness.

OSTEOPORNOSIS
A degenerate disease.

KARMAGEDDON
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

GLIBIDO
All talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

INTAXICATION
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

IGNORANUS
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.




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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 08:37:57 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Spring Break   <offensive to Amish people everywhere>

        Amish Spring Break Activities for Wild Teenagers

        The annual Wet Bonnet Contest.
        Buttermilk kegger.
        Blowin' past the Dairy Queen on a really smokin' Clydesdale.
        Getting tattoo ~~~> "Born to Raise Barns"
        Cruise city streets shouting insults at people with zippers.
        Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
        Churn butter in short sleeves.

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 11:30:53 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Urologist's License Plate

       2 P C ME

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 09:54:34 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Scientists Discover Enormously Long Sentence

CONSTANT WIND, ND ( AheadOfNews.com ) -
Scientists in a top secret government laboratory here in the
northernmost extremities of the U.S. portion of the Great Plains, best
known for its cereal grains, incessant wind, and unbearable winters,
today announced, without any of the usual preliminary fanfare and
trumpeting by scientific public relations wonks, the discovery by a
highly trained and heavily bearded group of chemists, biologists,
physicists, astronomers, and writers of some of the world's most
ridiculous and occasionally gross and insulting satires, of what they
claim to be, notwithstanding counterclaims by scientists and satirists
in Poland who claim to have discovered an even bigger one, or
parodists, not well-tolerated by their more-or-less totalitarian or at
least highly authoritarian government, in China (the mainland, that is,
not Taiwan or Hong Kong or even little reed-covered islands whose names
have been temporarily misplaced) the world's longest, measured in
inches or centimeters, whichever you prefer, sentence, which, as
informed figures in certain important departments of the Federal
government have been assuring everyone, contains nothing particularly
useful or interesting that could be recorded in history books and
studied many years hence by small children or perhaps memorized by them
and recited in class to their peers and even their mothers and fathers
if they care to attend on one of those days like Helpful Grandparents
Day when all of the aged grandparental units are supposed to go to the
elementary school in the middle of the morning and look famously wise,
grizzled, and proud, especially of their clean, shiny,
hopping-up-and-down grandchildren and the fact that these very same
grandchildren grasp the basic concepts of elementary algebra even
though they are required by the state at this age merely to be able to
count to 10 and, in reading class as opposed to math class, to read
words with not very many letters in them, like the word "stop."
---
"One meets his destiny often on the road one takes to avoid it."
                   ~French Proverb

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 09:19:19 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: X-ray safety

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  The staff at the hospital where I was working decided to dress up for
Halloween.  I wore my standard X-ray technologist's uniform of a dress shirt,
tie and lab coat, but made the rest of myself up as a werewolf with a shaggy
wig, makeup, long nails and lots of hair on my face and hands.
  While I was preparing an examining room for a patient, I realized why we
technologists always take the time to explain X-ray safety.  There, I overheard
a young boy who had seen me in the corridor ask his mother, "Mommy did
that man have too much radiation?"


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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 11:16:58 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A kitty cat prayer

A Cat's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for the toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back.
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule.
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 09:51:19 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: visual juke<adult>nasty>

A young boy asked his dad, What does a pussy look like before sex? His =
dad said , something like a rose bud in the morning dew, lips tight =
together glistening .The boy said wow, and what does it look like after =
sex? His dad said well, kind of like a bull dog eating a bowl of custard!

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 17:15:17 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: SATURDAY ~ March 15th ~ International Boss's Day Off

On the anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar, emperor of Rome,
we recommend that all leaders stay home today. Beware of assassins! And, of
course, if the boss takes the day off, so can you!

STAFF CUTS
To all Staff:
As our company has to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are needed
to commit suicide.

This will substantially reduce our salary bill. Employees wishing to
participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on the roof of the offices
on alternate Fridays.

Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest
scorer will receive greatly enhanced Death In Service benefits.

This action, in view of it's voluntary nature, will not affect your Pension
rights, however, participating staff are asked to avoid landing on Company
Cars as this will cost more money than is saved, which would be counter
productive and could cause injury to nonparticipating spectators.

Non-participants are therefore asked to be vigilant and to keep glancing
skywards on these days of action.

It would also be appreciated if non-participants would give every assistance
to the cleaners in clearing up after the event. Bodies will be disposed of
in waste skips in the car park and staff are therefore asked to ensure they
keep moving on these days to avoid being inadvertently mistaken for
successful participants.

Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until
reaching the top floor, after which it will be impossible for the attending
Occupational Health and Safety representative to get into a "Catching
Position."

The Company hopes to obtain a set reduction in staff through this scheme and
it must therefore be considered one of our most worthwhile projects to date.
Should the scheme be oversubscribed, a waiting list will be introduced.

To assist the cleaners, it would be appreciated if all participants could
take with them onto the roof a large black plastic bag (available from the
stationery room). If they could climb into the bag just prior to the jump,
this will certainly ease congestion at ground level.

It is important that the projected jumps are shown on your department's
staff planning charts so that work can be redistributed to your colleagues
to cause minimum disruption to the company.

Please note: any participant choosing to jump outside normal working hours
will not be paid overtime.

Regards,
Management
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 22:54:43 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Johnny Paycheck Cashes In

The music industry was saddened recently by the passing of country troubadour Johnny
Paycheck at the age of 64. Although best known for the classic working man ballad "Take
This Job and Shove It," Paycheck gave us other, lesser-known hits:

"Take This Map and Find Me The Lost Treasure of Kaliku-Baga"

"Take This Kitty and Love It!"

"Take This Script For David Arquette's Next Vehicle and Re-tool It, We Have Some Act Three
Issues"

"Take this Gahan Wilson 'New Yorker' cartoon and Explain It To Me, Please"

"Take This Baby Ferret and Teach It To Hate"

"Take This Vicodin Bottle and Hide It, Ms. Channing is Coming"

"Take This Ring to the Mountains of Mordor"

"Take This Broken Wing and Learn to Fly Again"

"Take This Royalty Check for 'Take This Job and Shove It' and Give It To My Second Wife"

"Take This, Green Goblin, and This and This!"

"Take This Job, and Stay In It For Thirty Years With Only One Promotion To
Middle-Management, Then Retire With an Underwhelming 401K, and Finally Die at the Age of
72 Wishing You Had Done Something Worthwhile With Your Life Like Writing Sassy Country
Ballads."


        [ By Nick Nadel ]
        [ Copyright 2003 Modern Humorist, Inc. ]
_________________________________________

        Hollywood Vs. The War

From Sean Penn to Sheryl Crow, celebrities have been prominent in the anti-war movement.
How have the stars registered their opposition?

  Susan Sarandon:  Personally visited every pro-war American and tried to dissuade them
in that condescending, Earth-mother way of hers

  Goldie Hawn:  Shipped much-needed supplies of Botox to sanctions-ravaged Iraqi people

  Ozzy Osbourne:  Held candlelight head-loll for peace

  Tom Cruise:  Had self photographed smiling slightly less wide than usual

  Nia Vardalos:  Led irrepressibly nutty relatives in My Greek Fat Greek Protest

  Eminem:  Blamed Iraq standoff on mother, called for her rape and beheading

  Woody Harrelson:  Tried to somehow connect President Bush's war motives to hemp

  Catherine Zeta-Jones:  Spouted off to reporters some anti-war stuff she heard from
Michael Douglass


        [  Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 2003 23:45:22 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: If you had more Faith you could be healed

I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a
lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if
you had more faith..." issue.

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor.
The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who
has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I
was born blind, and I've been blind all my life.  I don't
mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends
who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of
those white canes?"

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Then the next time someone says that hit them over
the head with the cane," He said.  "Then tell them 'If
you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 2003 01:16:24 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Sunday Bulletin at the Church Of Chuckles  <prob. blasphemous>

A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions of an order of
monks. The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to
one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all
of their sins.

"Oh Father," said the nun. "It couldn't have been that bad."

The priest replied, "Oh it was worse than you can imagine. It was like
being stoned to death with popcorn."

         +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +  +

A group of women were talking together.  One woman said, "Our
congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."

Another said,  "That's nothing.  Sometimes our congregation
is down to six or seven."

A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so
bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says
'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."



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