Digest for Friday, March 14, 2003

There are 12 messages totalling 513 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Missing Teen Returns Home to Get Fresh Change of Clothes
  2. Aging Wives.....
  3. This is great!
  4. Q & A
  5. Calling the doctor
  6. The prayers of children
  7. The Origin Of St. Patricks Day (Possibly offensive to Norwegians and Minnesotans)
  8. William Penns Mother
  9. March 14th ~ Ten Most Wanted List Birthday
  10. The first chapstick
  11. White History Year Resumes
  12. Freedom fries


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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 02:02:35 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Missing Teen Returns Home to Get Fresh Change of Clothes

SALT LAKE CITY - Elizabeth Smart, the 15-year-old girl who vanished from her bedroom nine
months ago, wandered back into her house, grabbed some fresh undies and then disappeared
again without a trace.

Ed Smart and his wife Lois were under the strain of a rollarcoaster of emotion after the
joyous reunion with Elizabeth and then the subsequent re-dissappearance just hours later.
All they could say was "damn it."

"Damn it.  Damn it.  Damn it.  Did anyone see which way she went?"

According to reports, friends and neighbors were busy hanging balloons and feeding the
press corps and didn't think twice when Elizabeth wandered out the backdoor with a
gunnysack slung over her shoulder.

"I think she was heading west," neighbor Judy Tomkins said with a faraway look.  "Toward
them mountains."

During a press conference Wednesday evening, Salt Lake City Police Chief Rick Dinse
admitted the odds of finding Elizabeth alive were remote at best, and unless someone came
forward with new information, there was nothing they could do except enjoy the rest of the
delicious grilled burgers the neighbors had prepared.

"It's dark out.  We'll get started first thing in the morning.  Please pass the cole
slaw."

So far there are no suspects.
__
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 04:33:06 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Aging Wives.....

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
become upset and yell.

Expressing patience is clearly the superior option. Let me relate how I
handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became
necessary for my wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and
for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech
when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the
local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this
job
that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper.

I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take
her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I
just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that
the dishes aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as
it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy
used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.
Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps.

I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry
the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless
I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to
Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some
of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or
dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her
to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to
complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for
me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I
tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to
take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook
comments like these because I realize it's just her age talking.

In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra
rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me
and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall
asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.
No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they
get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

=========================================

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of
death is still under investigation.

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 10:06:59 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: This is great! <anti-French>

  Go to www.google.com

  Type in 'French Military Victories' and instead of clicking 'search',
click 'I'm feeling lucky'



Squiffy:O)



Exercise those chuckle muscles - and click on link to Comic Relief's Red
Nose Day -

www.btinternet.com/~squiffyshouseoffun

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 05:05:14 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Q & A   <adult>

Q: Why don't men cook at home?
A: No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

   ---------------------

Q: Why did they call her "Queen of the sewers?"
A: She had the most accessible manhole cover.

   ---------------------

Q: Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife?
A: Because every night it was the same old shit.

   ---------------------

Q: What do a Speedo and a cheap hotel have in common?
A: No ball room.

   ---------------------

Q: What do you call a guy who is afraid to use a condom?
A: A Rubber Chicken.





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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 13:24:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Calling the doctor

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

The doctor asked: "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 05:51:35 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The prayers of children

DEAR ANN LANDERS:

I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my
twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.

As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and
daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good
laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my
heart.

From San Francisco: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father,
who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real
name.

Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of
grapes."

Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in
Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly
bread."

Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of
Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."

Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You
know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . and to the republic for Richard
Stands."

Schenectady, N.Y. I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was
"Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."

Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He
suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilot,"
but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church
whenever that prayer is read.

Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday
school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the
floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who
always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the
rains came down, and the spuds came up."

Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always Walked up to
the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he
tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the
bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later
when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."

Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot
into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into
trouble.

KEEP SMILING!!!

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 04:37:49 -0800
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The Origin Of St. Patrick's Day (Possibly offensive to Norwegians and Minnesotans)

[From Michelle Gennette]

We celebrate March 17th in commemoration of St. Patrick's great and noble deed in driving the Norwegians out of Ireland.

It seems that centuries ago many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was quite scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing but potatoes.

St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands like most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly he organized the IRATRION (Irish Republican Army To Rid Ireland Of Norwegians ). Irish members of IRATRION sabotaged all power plants in hopes the fish in Norwegian refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate where their fish would keep. The fish spoiled all right but the Norwegians, as everybody knows to this day, thrive on spoiled fish.

Faced with failure, the IRATRION sneaked into the Norwegian's fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders. But, as everyone knows, this is how lutefisk was introduced to the Norwegians and they thrived on this lye-soaked smelly fish.

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop to go with their lutefisk. Poor St. Pat was at his wits end and finally, on March 17th, he blew his top and told all Norwegians to go to Hell, and it worked. All the Norwegians left Ireland and went to Minnesota.



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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 10:40:04 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: William Penn's Mother

It was the late 1600's in Philadelphia when Quakers were routinely
arrested for civil disobedience.

At the time, William Penn's mother and two of her sisters owned a
successful Quaker business, a bakery. The women increased the
price of their pies, specifically donating the money to support
the legal expenses of their Quaker friends.

Many in the town objected to paying the price increase on
political grounds, and there were extensive and public debates
about ... the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

[Thanks to Steve Kilbride]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 09:17:13 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 14th ~ Ten Most Wanted List Birthday

In 1950, FBI's legendary director J. Edgar Hoover began the Ten Most Wanted
Fugitives List as a way to get the public's help in finding the country's
most dangerous criminals. It has thus far resulted in the apprehension or
location of 429 of 458 fugitives featured on the list.

THE CRIME SCENE
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a
number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of
these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

-The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

-The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one
time.

-The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that
he didn't do anything, that he was framed.

-The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

-The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack
heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

-The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

-The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently
confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found
that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com
http://mssamantics.us

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 17:12:08 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The first chapstick

Origin of Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local
sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the
sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and
placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail,
stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 21:59:50 -0500
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: White History Year Resumes

WASHINGTON, DCóWith Black History Month over, U.S. citizens are putting aside thoughts of
Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver to resume the traditional observation of White
History Year.

White History Year, which runs annually from Jan. 1 through Dec. 31, with a 28-day break
for Black History Month in February, is dedicated to the recognition of
European-Americans' contributions to American politics and culture.

"Frederick Douglass and Martin Luther King Jr. are all well and good," said Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist at a banquet celebrating the arrival of White History Year,
"but now is the time to reflect on the accomplishments of such whites as Babe Ruth,
Alexander Graham Bell, and Presidents Washington through Bush. Let's use these next 11
months to remember the 'other' American history."

"Whites have contributed so much to this country," Frist continued. "Did you, for example,
know that a white man, Jonas Salk, discovered the cure for polio? It's true."

From now until Feb. 1, 2004, educators will eschew discussions of Rosa Parks in favor of
Andrew Carnegie, Neil Armstrong, and Tim Allen. Schools nationwide will shelve
African-American history pamphlets in favor of such Caucasiacentric materials as the
"Macmillan & Rowe American History Textbook New Revised Standard Edition" and
"Encyclopedia Britannica".

Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore.

"There's so much more white history out there than you might imagine," said Dr. James
Corman, a Princeton University history professor. "America's publishing houses,
newspapers, movie studios, magazines, and radio stations have kept remarkably thorough
records of white Americans' accomplishments."

White History Year will also be commemorated on television, with various networks airing
special programming recognizing whites' contributions to society. The History Channel will
set aside the Tuskegee Airmen documentaries that have dominated its schedule throughout
February, instead presenting programs on Chuck Yeager, the white man who broke the sound
barrier, and Paul Revere, a key white figure in the nation's fight for independence from
England. A&E's "Biography" will spotlight such white luminaries as Johnny Unitas, Mae
West, and Edward R. Murrow. Between prime-time programs, NBC will air White History Minute
segments hosted by white actress Bernadette Peters.

Americans of every color will set aside their differences to celebrate White History Year.

"I think it's good to give people a closer look at a culture they usually don't even think
about," said Gary, IN, realtor Willie Anderson, a respected member of the city's black
community. "I mean, it's right in front of you every day. It's such a huge part of your
life. You're surrounded by it from the day you're born until the day you die, so it's easy
to take for granted that you already know just about everything there is to know about
it."

Added Anderson: "Do you realize that Henry Ford, a white man, invented the 'assembly
line,' a mass-production technique that revolutionized industry around the world? They had
something about it on TV again last night."


        [ © Copyright 2003 Onion, Inc. ]

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 19:20:50 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Freedom fries

  The U.S. Congress picked on the wrong country when it replaced "French fries"
with "Freedom fries" on its menus to protest France's opposition to a possible
U.S.-led war in Iraq, according to a Belgian fry expert.   Michel Mes, who runs the
Web Site www.belgianfries.com, said that fried potatoes were invented in Belgium,
not France, and were only referred to as French fries in the United States.
  "Of course, in good food tradition, the French claim to be the inventors of our
beloved fries," he writes on the Web Site. "Anyway, we modest Belgians don't mind
the French claim, because we know that fries are God's gift to our people."
  Restaurants in the U.S. House of Representatives replaced the name "French
fries" with "Freedom fries" on Tuesday in a small ceremony widely broadcast with bemused commentaries on French television.
  The fast food staple -- known simply as chips in Britain -- is considered a national treasure in Belgium, where "pommes frites" are sold on many street corners in
shacks known as "fritures" and are generally served with mayonnaise.  Historians
are divided on its origin but agree it became a popular dish in both Belgium and
France during the 19th century.
  According to legend, American soldiers stationed in French-speaking Belgium or France during World War One brought back a taste for fries, which were
subsequently associated with Gallic culture in the United States. Mes said this
was a myth.  "In fact, the explanation is quite simple. In English, 'to french' means
(or at least meant) 'to cut into lengthwise pieces'," he explained. "So logically,
French fries is short for 'frenched and fried' potatoes."
  Such distinctions may not matter much to members of the U.S. Congress, which
has taken no such symbolic step against Belgium.   Belgium has stood up against
the United States on several occasions during the crisis over Iraq, joining France
and Germany last month in briefly blocking a request to NATO  to protect Turkey in
the event of war in Iraq.

+Source: Reuters, March 13, 2003+



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