Digest for Thursday, March 13, 2003

There are 11 messages totalling 595 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Terror Alert: New Wave of Roberto Benigni Movies on US Soil "Inevitable"
  2. Serbian leader shot!
  3. Kids Letters...
  4. Dilbert Quotes Finalists.....
  5. Boat names
  6. Smart Sailor!
  7. March 13th ~ Uncle Sam Character Day
  8. Slogans for Hooters Air
  9. Proposal
  10. Get Your Anti-War On
  11. Lions


Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 02:02:43 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <RolloTomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Terror Alert: New Wave of Roberto Benigni Movies on US Soil "Inevitable"

Washington, DC - Newly appointed Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge told a Senate
Subcommittee today that a new wave of Roberto Benigni movies in the United States was

"For a long time Roberto Benigni movies were a far away problem," Ridge testified.  "They
occurred in distant European theatres, only affecting the Italians.  But now the threat of
future Benigni films on the homefront is very real."

Already a huge star in Europe, Benigni was recently allowed to release a live-action
version of the classic story "Pinocchio in the U.S, causing fear and anxiety among a
nation of already jittery American children.  Tragically, studios in the U.S. unleashed
the film nationwide without a previewing, which is customary for foreign films staring
Benigni and French actor Gérard Depardieu.

It wasn't just the terror of children that caused the official government alert.  Many
adults were frightened as well after the FBI posted an announcement and warning on their

"As an American I am outraged that Benigni could continue to release movies right here in
our backyard," said filmgoer Dave Story.  "I know the Holocaust was awful, but the people
who died in Auschwitz should consider themselves lucky that they didn't have to watch
'Life is Beautiful.' I'd personally rather be gassed."

Ironically, the 1998 film "Life is Beautiful," considered Benigni's most heinous act of
aggression against the American viewing public, earned him an Academy Award for Best
Actor.  According to several Congressional sources, that will never happen again.

Ridge answered questions posed by members the Subcommittee on the possible European
backlash over the new alert.  Ridge dismissed the entire continent and their filmmaking
skills as "irrelevant," saying we must focus on finding the sources of these films and
freeze their funds immediately.

"Sometimes we have to protect America at great cost, but as long as there are pushy
foreign distributors who don't even speak English, we will be vulnerable."

Ridge has offered to create a new coded system to gauge the threat of future U.S. released
Benigni movies -- low level threat occurs when Benigni is safely making non- subtitled
movies in Italy, a mid-level threat occurs when American studio executives meet or discuss
future projects with Benigni's agent over lunch.  In the rare case that an
English-language Benigni movie be complete with a domestic movie release date set, "we
immediately go to "DEFCON 1.  But let's pray it never comes to that."
by Tyler Reisinger
Copyright © 2002 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc.

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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 08:30:54 -0000
From:    John Habkirk <j.habkirk@TEAMWORKS.DE>
Subject: Serbian leader shot!

The Serbian government on Wednesday declared a state of emergency after
Zoran Djindjic, prime minister, was shot dead outside a government bulding
in Belgrade.

Does this mean we're at war with Germany?

(Think about it......................)


Exercise your chuckle muscles! Visit the new, relaunched Squiffys House of
Fun: www.btinternet.com/~squiffyshouseoffun

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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 05:02:22 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <phyfendrum@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Kids Letters...

... To Lucifer:

Dark Lord,
Are there popsicles in hell?

Dear Mr.Devil,
If you watch me in Sunday school tomorrow, I will be whispering
your evil name.

Mr. Beelzebub,
Please turn my little sister into a pony.

Dear Real Evil One,
I think about you all the time, even when I'm not creating
mischief in your name.

Dear Satan,
Does everybody burn in hell, or just the ones who refuse to
worship you?

Dear Evil Man,
Did you mean for the pentangle to have five sides or is that
just a mistake?

Dear Lord of the Flies,
Do you like it when people are cremated instead of being buried?

Dear Lucifer,
Are you so bad you're good?

Dear Devil Man,
Do you write for Playboy? Grannie says it's the work of the devil,
but Dad says she's senile and should be put in a home.

Dear Antichrist,
Is it OK with you if I go to church? I want to go to black masses,
but we haven't got any in Montana.

King Satan,
I think it must be very hard for you to steal all the evil souls
in the world. I'll bet there is only room in hell for the really
bad souls.

Dear Lucifer,
I hear your name means light bearer. Did you put Thomas Edison
in hell because he stole your idea?

Mighty Baal:
I try to worship a fatted calf every time I order a Happy Meal.
Is this pleasing in your sight?

Dear Mr. Scratch,
Did you make clowns, or are they just little devils all by themselves?

Dear Mr. Devil
A mean old man poisoned our dog and my dad blasphemed against God.
Does that mean you will steal his soul? Please tell me right away
because Mommy's special friend "Uncle Sawbuck" has promised to take
me to Disneyland if Daddy goes away for good.
Jack Jr.

Dear Satan,
I do not think anybody could be better a Devil, because you don't
even to bother to answer my ultra evil prayers.

Dear Old Nick:
I want to be just like my you when I get big, only without the horns.

Dear Mr. Moloch,
Of all the people who ever worked for you, I like Henry Kissinger
and the Munsters the best.

Dear Satan,
I sold my soul to you and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

Dear Lord of the Bad,
My daddy wants to know just how you pulled off that thing in Florida.

Dear Mr. Ashtaroth,
Are you down there as bored with all those New Yorker cartoons about
hell as we are? Can you do anything about it? (And how about the
Little Johnny jokes while you're at it?)

Dear Debble-Man,
Does hell have good and bad neighborhoods, just like we do on Earth?

Mister Mephisto,
Is there anything, ANYTHING, you can do about Christian rock? I am
prepared to suffer in perdition for eternity, but it somehow seems
unjust for it to have to start prematurely.

Greetings, O Master,
I paid this old lady in the candle shop $2.00 to put a curse on
my ex-boyfriend and now he's going out with Brenda... but it's
been three weeks and they're doing great and the old lady won't
give me my money back.

Dear Satan:
Please send me a nice paint set and some Hot Wheels this Christmas.
Yours Turly, Harlan Cotton

Dear Ol' Hob:
Me an' me sister, we 'eard this band King Crimson's named after
you... is you gonna collect royalties from those wankers or wot?!?

Add photos to your messages with MSN 8. Get 2 months FREE*.

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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 06:33:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Dilbert Quotes Finalists.....

>  A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.  They were
> looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type
> managers.
> Here are the finalists:
> 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
> using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next
> Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This
> was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,
> WA.)
> 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
> encounter."
> (Lykes Lines Shipping)
> 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It
> should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager,
> Electric Boat Company)
> 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
> important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
> Parcel Service)
> 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
> 6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've
> been  working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
> I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor,
> Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
> 7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
> only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged
> and she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected."
> (CIO of Dell Computers)
> 8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
> say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
> 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
> When I told my Boss, he said, "She died on purpose so that I would
> have to miss work on the busiest day of the year."  He then asked if
> we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better
> for me." (Shipping  executive, FTD Florists)
> 10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
> going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T
> Long Lines Division)
> 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
> is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
> mentioned
> above."  (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
> 12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
> concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow  would
> be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
> until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
> Greeting Cards)
> 13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
> reviewing our company's training programs and materials.  In the body
> of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical
> approach" used by one of the training manuals.  The day after I routed
> the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR (human
> relations) director's office and told that the executive vice
> president wanted me out of the building by
> lunch.  When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for
> perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company.
> Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
> fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.  The HR manager was
> fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary
> and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not
> to worry.  He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the
> entire staff came out  directing us that no words which could not be
> found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.  A
> month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created
> my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
> (Taco  Bell Corporation)

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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 06:37:35 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Boat names

BOATING magazine runs a contest for clever boat names.
Reeling in the honors have been

Sir Osis of the River,
Aqua Seltzer,
Out to Launch,
and a lawyer's boat called
Watertight Alibi.
Other winners: Meals on Reels,
The Merri Yot, and,
from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.

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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 10:15:26 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Smart Sailor!

The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched
carrier.  The entire crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said
the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the
name of every man on the ship."

"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.

"Aha," smiled the Secretary.  "What's the name of that man?"  he
asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.

"That's William Jones," replied the captain.

The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself.

"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.

"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.


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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 07:51:13 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: March 13th ~ Uncle Sam Character Day

On March 13, 1852, the "New York Lantern" first featured the Uncle Sam
character. Uncle Sam came to be a symbol of American patriotism. The
nickname of Uncle Sam was first used in the September 7, 1813, issue of the
Troy Post (New York).

Oldie ... but an appropriate goodie!!

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking
together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around

Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country, nothing can get in or out -- virtually

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 07:28:19 -1000
From:    MICKEY <m.hennigan2@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Slogans for Hooters Air


     Where Flight Attendants Double as Flotation Devices=20


     Relax -- the *Engines* Are Real=20


     When You Fly Hooters, You Fly the Very Breast!=20


     Low Fares, Convenient Scheduling and Humongous Fake Breasts=20


     (Not Necessarily in That Order)=20



     We Put the T&A in "Trans-Atlantic"=20


     Where Every Seat Is a Cockpit=20


     Scenic Mountain Views on Every Flight!=20


     We Love to Fly in Chilly Cabins -- and It Shows!=20


     Full Upright Position? Count on It!=20


     We Defy Gravity Every Day!=20


     Official Airline of the Baltimore Aureoles=20


     Don't Get Any Smart Ideas About That Bagel on Your Tray, Buddy=20


     No, They're Not Natural... but Neither Is Flying=20


     Pray for Turbulence=20


     Boeing! Boeing!=20




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Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 2003 18:59:50 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Proposal

Dear Mr. President:

  I read that you are working on giving up to $30 billion in cash and loans to
Turkey in order to use that country as a staging area for a war against Iraq.
  Given the state of the economy and the state's budget deficit, I am sure
California would be willing to consider serving as a staging area too, if we
can get the same terms as Turkey, roughly $5 billion cash and the rest in
loans and guarantees.

                                       Peace & friendship, John Burton

State Senator John Burton, in a letter to President Bush.

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, March 12, 2003+

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 00:46:27 -0500
From:    The Punk <The-Punk-With-The-Stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Get Your Anti-War On

        Newly-scheduled rallies

1101 Apt. #4 Brown St.
Boston, MA 02108
(e-mail Tim for directions)

On the 14th, we hope to have at least two dozen women at Tim's place, to spell "War
Sucks!" on his bedroom floor.  Punctuation will be increased or decreased depending on
amount of people.  Please tell your friends.  We will also have Twister, and some 2-liter
sodas if anything is on sale.

Construction Site off of Rt. 2
Abrams, WI 54101

We need to finish construction of a new Abrams community subdivision by the end of the
month...for peace.  And we need all the help we can get.  Anyone interested in peace, who
knows anything about basic house construction, plumbing or wiring (or who is willing to
learn), is urged to show up on the 15th and help build houses for peace.  We will pay nine
dollars and fifty cents per hour for good, dedicated workers who are interested in peace.

Jefferson High School
Jefferson, MD 21755

To protest the coming war, all JHS students in Mrs. Dwight's history class are going to
"forget" to do our homework over the weekend.  She can't do anything if we ALL refuse to
do our homework, so please, nobody chicken out on this.  Also, we are planning on not
sitting in our assigned seats, and being really loud in the middle of class on Monday, to
see what she does.  She'll probably flip out.

Iraqi Army Base
Balad, Iraq

Please?  We don't have any weapons of mass destruction.  Well, okay, maybe one or two, but
we don't use them!  We just like looking at them.  Seriously, please do not attack us.
"War makes God cry," etc.

        [ Copyright 2003 Modern Humorist, Inc. ]

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Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 2003 00:06:08 -0600
From:    Marsha in Texas <marsha@CCMS.NET>
Subject: Lions

Many of the world's greatest runners come from Kenya where
they have a unique training program -- it's called a lion.

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